


The lost art of keeping a secret

by Patricia1974



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actors, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Balthazar (Supernatural) Being an Asshole, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romantic Fluff, Secrets, Switching, The non-con is NOT between Dean and Cas, Top Castiel, Top Dean, but it has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-11-14 11:38:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 61,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11207316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patricia1974/pseuds/Patricia1974
Summary: Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak are two of the biggest movie stars on the planet and they’ve been secretly dating for the better part of two years. When Dean’s public girlfriend, up-and-coming indie actress Jo Harvelle, ‘breaks up’ with him to start dating Charlie Bradbury, the same time as he lands the role of a lifetime opposite Cas, that whole “secretly dating” thing? Yeah, that’s shot to hell.The kicker? There’s some leaked pictures of the two of them having sex on set, never-ending questions on the press tour for their movie, and even with all of that, it’s an accidental slip-up during a panel with fans that kills them.(Dean swears he didn’t mean to answer that girl’s question with “well when you’ve been with someone for as long as we have” but Cas is just glad he said it at all.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is now complete :).  
> I would like to say thanks to pandaLover521 for writing and providing the summary.
> 
> Credit for the editing goes to the amazing JhanaMay. She is great and a huge help. Go check out her work :)
> 
> Another huge thank you goes to the awesome tfw_cas. She tests reads the edited chapters and filters out the remaining typo's (sometimes it is good to have another set of eyes, lol). She is also great with brainstorming. Go check out her work too.
> 
> Any leftover mistakes or typo's are entirely my fault.
> 
> Also a thank you to Rose T for helping with the first two chapters.
> 
> If you like it, leave a comment :) If you don't like it, just move on.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story.

  

 

‘Oh, come on Jo, please don’t do this,’ Dean pleaded. The edge to his voice was borderline desperate. This was not happening. This was so not happening.

Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle were a dream couple, or so it seemed. The public loved them, but the truth was a little different.

Dean was a world famous actor whose face was often plastered on the cover of magazines. When he met Jo, an up-and-coming indie actress, at one of those glamorous parties he always needed to attend, they hit if off right from the start.

Jo was a petite blonde with a body to die for and big expressive eyes that could kill you if you weren’t careful. Dean couldn’t say he wasn’t interested. He’d tried to get her naked and horizontal before the night was over but nothing happened between them and nothing ever would. They had somehow become close friends instead. She was like the little sister he never wanted and soon he found in her a trustworthy confidante. He took her to red carpet events, and she accompanied him to numerous other important happenings. It was the start of wild speculations and many exaggerated rumors none of which they denied nor confirmed until one evening when Dean told a reporter that they were, in fact, dating. It was a scheme he and Jo had come up with during movie night at Dean’s mansion in Beverly Hills. Openly dating would benefit the both of them. Jo’s career had already skyrocketed after the first time she had appeared on Dean’s arm, and the road to fame and fortune was wide open for her. Being bisexual wouldn’t stand in her way anymore.

It would also put a lid on the rumors about Dean having a crush on Castiel Novak, a gorgeous, dark-haired, and extremely talented actor with eyes the color of a deep blue ocean. Dean had been captivated by them the moment they met. Those rumors were a little bit too close to the truth for his liking because it wasn’t just a crush. He and Castiel had been secretly dating  for the better part of two years but Dean desperately wanted to keep this hidden from the public. He was frankly terrified that him coming out as a bisexual would destroy his entire life, and he felt his fear was well-founded; coming out certainly hadn’t done Jo any favors.

Castiel had called it a whole load of bull, and it was clear, he was not entirely in favor of the charade. It took a lot of convincing - involving some sex that had been nothing short of mind-blowing, if Dean said so himself - to get him on board. In the end, he agreed to go along with it, but he made it clear he didn’t like it one bit.

Everything went smoothly for a while. Dean and Jo appeared in public as a happy couple but lead separate lives in private. Things were going great, and now Jo was about to blow everything right out of the water.

“I’m sorry, Dean, but I can’t do this any longer.  I don’t _want_ to. I don’t wanna hide anymore. Charlie and I love each other, you know that,” Jo said firmly.

Dean plummeted onto the massive black leather couch. His panic must’ve been showing on his face, because after a moment Jo sighed and went to sit beside him. She took his hands into hers. “I want Charlie to be at my side at social events, Dean. I want to introduce her to the world as my girlfriend. I don’t want to keep our love a secret any longer.”

Dean leapt up from the sofa, yanking his hands from hers. He started to pace the beige carpet covering his living room floor. In an attempt to control the jumbled feelings making his stomach feel like it was doing flip flops, he took a deep breath. And then another.

“Some timing you have, Jo,” he mumbled, looking through the window to avoid Jo’s hypnotizing gaze. It was already dark outside; all he could see was his own reflection in the glass. Not helping. He turned back to his friend. “You do realize that, don’t you.” It was a statement, not a question, Jo wasn’t an idiot.

Jo closed her eyes and nodded.

“Then why?” Dean had a really hard time keeping himself from shouting. “Oh wait, I forgot, you don’t want to hide anymore, so to hell with me, right?” he continued, heavy on the sarcasm, cutting her off before she could start. He exhaled loudly. “I need a drink.”

He made his way over to the mini bar and grabbed a bottle of overpriced scotch. The sound of ice cubes falling into the crystal glass was the only thing that broke the silence. The tension continued to condense in the air until finally Dean couldn’t take it anymore. “If we break up now and tomorrow you appear with Charlie in public, she’s gonna take the heat and most likely the blame for us splitting up. Do you really wanna do that to her?” He took his glass and sat himself down in the recliner.

Jo rolled her eyes. “I’m not stupid Dean. We’ll lay low for a while. When the storm of our break up has died down, and the media has something else to focus on, then we’ll come out.”

“You have it all figured out, don’t you.”

“Yes, I do.” Jo stood up. “You should try it sometime.”

‘What? Screwing over a friend?”

Jo took a deep breath. “No. Coming out. Maybe be honest with yourself for a change.”

Dean looked at her with a clear _what are you, crazy?_ expression. “No thanks. Unlike you, I’m not willing to risk my career.” He took a sip from his drink and felt it burn its way down his throat.

“Oh for crying out loud,” Jo almost but shouted. “When are you going to stop hiding behind your career and face the real problem? Because all three of us are well aware it’s not your _career_ you’re afraid of risking.”

“Then what exactly _is_ it that I’m afraid of, huh, Jo?” Dean asked, standing up and placing his drink on the coffee table. He glared at her, daring her to elaborate.

“You know that perfectly well,” Jo answered, shrugging on her jacket. “But you’ve gotten damn good at playing dumb, I’ll give you that.”

 Dean gritted his teeth. Okay, he knew what she was talking about, he knew that full well, but that didn’t mean it was her place to bring it up.

“It’s a done deal, Dean. My agent will handle the break-up and the media fallout, but that’ll be over soon enough. Hollywood’s got a short memory, especially when you’re as talented as us.” She grabbed her purse from the couch. “I’ll talk to you later.” And then she was gone.

Dean flinched when he heard the door close behind her. He dropped back into his chair, letting his head hit the soft cushion of the recliner with a tiresome sigh. It was hard to admit it, but Jo was right, about everything. He did hide behind his career. The real reason he didn’t want to come out about dating a guy - a hot guy who didn’t exactly fit the ‘gay’ label, for that matter - was his dad. John Winchester knew about his son’s sexual orientation but didn’t want to hear about it. He told Dean over and over  that it would destroy him and his career if he announced it to the world. It was drilled into him so many freaking times that Dean started to believe it. Even now, at the age of 38, he wanted to be the son John wanted him to be. He still asked ‘how high’ every time his dad told him to jump.

John was once a decent man and a good father but that fatal night when their house caught fire and his mom didn’t make it out alive changed everything. Dean had been four years old when it happened, and his brother, Sam, had only been a six-month-old baby. Their neighbor, a friendly, outspoken woman named Missouri, had taken them in until their house was rebuilt with the insurance money they received.  From that moment on though, John’s life spiraled out of control. He took refuge in great amounts of alcohol, trying to drink away his sorrow and his grief and left his dignity at the bottom of the empty liquor bottles. He fucked his way through his pain with a series of  hook ups and one night stands. It was a small miracle he didn’t lose his job at the garage because of his heavy drinking.

Missouri had been a God send, especially after his dad got the crazy idea that the house fire wasn’t an accident. He quit his job and took off in search for whoever did it, leaving  Missouri, who was still a stranger at that point, no matter how nice she was, to take care of Dean and his brother. Sometimes John was gone for months, came home for a few days, and took off again a week or so later.

When Dean and his brother were old enough - Dean had been eight - John took them with him. They lived out of the car, a ‘67 Chevrolet Impala, or stayed in sleazy motel rooms while John continued his liquor infused mission and when he exhausted his efforts looking for the supposed arsonist he would drink till he forgot his own name and presumably his dead wife’s, leaving Dean to take care of his little brother alone more nights than not. Sometimes he barely left enough money for Dean to buy food.  

Things got a little better when John started to drop the kids off at their uncle Bobby’s place, one of John’s best friends and more of a father to the children than John had ever been. He would leave them there for a few months only to come and get them to take them with him again.  He claimed that he needed to teach Dean how to be a man and Dean always aimed to please his dad. He craved his praises and dreaded his anger. When he did something wrong, he got slapped in the face for it, but when he did something right, his dad told him how proud he was. It was those moments Dean lived for, to make his father happy, to be a good little soldier and a perfect son.

Dean took another sip from his drink and noticed the glass was empty. He stood up to fix himself another one, then changed his mind and took the whole bottle instead. It would save him the trouble of peeling himself from the cozy recliner.

Out of nowhere, a particularly painful memory penetrated his mind, taking him back to when he was sixteen. His father had given up his search. Uncle Bobby had finally been able to talk some sense into John. He took the job Bobby had offered him at his salvage yard and kept his drinking under control.  Things started to look up from then on. At last, they could lead a normal life for a change.

Sam, who had always been a smart kid, got excellent grades and dreamed of becoming a lawyer. Dean was proud of him and was determined to make his younger brother’s dream come true. He didn’t care about his own grades, he didn’t have the ambition to go to college and if he wanted to put Sam through law school he needed to get a real job as soon as he graduated.

One thing though that overshadowed this almost normal life they lived had nothing to do with Sam’s dreams but everything with Dean’s sexual orientation. The first time he had been attracted to a boy instead of a girl, had freaked him out. With no one to talk to, he had to figure out himself what it meant. He soon learnt that he wasn’t gay but that bisexuality was a thing. Slowly he came to terms with it and the next time he found himself being attracted to a boy, he acted on it. Deadly afraid of what his dad might do to him when he would figure it out, he stayed quiet and remained in the closet.

His relative quiet life shattered one night when John walked in on him sucking the dick of the captain of the football team in a dark corner of the salvage yard. John was livid. Dean could still vividly remember the horrified expression on his father’s face and the storm of rage in his eyes. The beating he received, John shouting that he didn’t raise a fag, was something he would never forget. The physical wounds on his face and body healed, but the emotional scars left on his soul were something he would carry with him for the rest of his life.

The sudden rush of unshed tears blurred Dean’s vision. He tried to hold back, but soon a few lonely tears started their journey down his cheeks. He tasted their saltiness when they died on his full lips, cleansing the grim corners of his mouth. Too ashamed of who had beaten him up and why, he told Bobby and Sam that he just crossed the wrong crowd and got into a fight. Only Cas and Jo knew the real story. Besides those two, no one knew the painful truth and he wanted to keep it that way. Dean had put the whole event into the deepest darkest alcoves of his mind along with is sexuality and all the other secrets he had hidden there. Sometimes, like now, they surfaced, but he never let them out to be examined and judged. He didn’t need that in his life.

He fucked his way through the rest of his high school career leaving a trail of broken hearts behind him but he never ventured to look at another boy again.

At 18, he graduated as planned and left home. He moved to L.A. and his good looks landed him a rather important role in a famous soap opera. Soon, he had more money he could ever dream of and put his brother through law school as promised. Sam was so grateful that Dean made this happen for him that he became Dean’s personal lawyer when he graduated from Stanford.

Heavily intoxicated from the great amount of scotch he had poured down his throat, trying to numb the pain from his walk through memory lane, Dean welcomed the darkness that started to surround him leading him into a thankfully dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is a rather short chapter, I decided to give it to you now instead of the usual update on Thursday. And of course you will get another chapter on Thursday.
> 
> Enter: Castiel Novak

 

Cas carefully maneuvered his car through the heavy traffic of Beverly Hills. He made his way to where Dean’s mansion was situated in a more private part of the city, while thinking about Jo’s phone call a few minutes ago. He couldn’t believe she actually went through with her plan and broke things off with Dean.

By the sound of it, Dean hadn’t taken it very well (which Cas didn’t think was all that surprising, but that was beside the point). Cas of all people knew perfectly well that it wasn’t because he loved her so much. Sure, Dean loved Jo as a friend and as a sister, but she was far from being the big love of his life and she and Dean both knew it. No, Dean was freaking out because of her timing. It really was off.  Granted, no time was really ‘right’ for Hollywood’s  dream couple to call it quits, but this was ridiculous. It just so happened to coincide with them landing the biggest roles of their lives opposite each other in a film that was predicted to break all box office records. At least, that was the plan. They hadn’t started shooting yet, but the script was good enough for Cas, at least, to smell a potential blockbuster. He also knew  everyone important involved in making the movie, and when they wanted something to happen, they made damn sure it would happen. This film was going to be one hell of a hit. It  might even land a few Oscars.

The movie was about an FBI agent working at a secret branch of the Bureau, investigating the occult, fighting demons and ghosts, and hunting down the supernatural monsters roaming the face of the Earth, making the world a safer place to live. At a hunt gone wrong, he was saved by a fallen angel. After a few bumps in the road regarding the evolution of their budding,  and admittedly quite unusual friendship, they worked side by side solving a big case, took down a major satanic cult and almost lost their lives in the process.

A few months ago one of the producers approached them both to offer them the roles. Dean as the FBI agent and Cas as the fallen angel. They wanted the two of them in the same movie. They were both world-famous actors and this film would entice their fans into spending their money just to watch them. That alone would shatter the box office records.

That wasn’t the only reason the studio wanted them to costar in this upcoming blockbuster though. The real motive was this _thing_ between them, their undeniable chemistry. Whenever they were in the same room, the sexual tension in the air was nearly tangible. It often felt to Cas that it could short-circuit every electric device in their vicinity. The smoldering looks, the lingering touches, the whole way they acted around each other were the main cause of the gossip in the tabloids about them being a couple, and the biggest reason that the movie’s casting director wanted them so badly.

A small smile tugged at Cas’s lips. They didn’t know how close to the truth they were but Dean had successfully put a stop to those rumors by introducing Jo as his girlfriend.

Cas was excited about the role. Dean, on the other hand had been a bit reluctant taking it. He was afraid it would put the whole gossip mill into motion again. Cas went through a lot of trouble convincing him otherwise. First of all, the tabloids wouldn’t dare to speculate about anything while it was obvious to the world he was in a loving and dedicated relationship with Jo. No one would believe what they would print. And second, the relationship between the FBI agent and the angel was, however profound, purely platonic. There wouldn’t be any hot sex scenes or steamy kisses that could accidently reveal their true feelings for each other. ‘Besides,’ he had argued, ‘wouldn’t it be great to work together? We would see a lot more of each other and we don’t even have to hide it. Hell, we can even appear in public side by side without raising too many eyebrows.’ Finally, Dean had caved and signed the contract.

Taking a left turn, Cas drove past the big black iron fence that surrounded Dean’s property until he reached the gate. He put down the car window and punched in the security code. In an almost stately fashion, the gate slowly swung open. Cas made his way through it knowing the gate would automatically close behind him. Four ominous looking Doberman pinschers came into view, barking frantically. When they recognized the car, they stopped and wandered off again. There were more of them roaming the estate. Cas had told Dean a number of times to hire some guards as well, but Dean had always refused. He kind of loved his privacy.

Apart from a cleaning lady who came in three times a week to make sure his mansion was always spotless and a handy man to take care of the artistically constructed garden and the kidney shaped pool, he didn’t need or want any help in his personal life. He even did his own laundry. There was no way he would let anyone else wash his boxer briefs or the stained sheets after a night of passion, not to mention the shirts he and Cas often cleaned themselves up with when they were too lazy to go to the bathroom and just wanted to fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Cas parked his car in front of the mansion and turned off the engine. He got out and took a few deep breaths of the sweet scent of mimosas filling the night air. With his key, he let himself in through the front door and went straight down the ceramic-tiled hallway, past the big spiral staircase that led to the second floor, to the living room.

He found Dean unconscious in the recliner, snoring softly and gently hugging the nearly empty bottle of scotch. Even with his head at what had to be a painful angle and the drool slipping from the corner of his mouth, he was beautiful. The love he felt for this man was the kind that knocked the air out of his lungs, leaving him breathless.

He made his way over to the recliner and carefully took the bottle from Dean’s arms. For a moment, he thought about waking him up and taking him to the master bedroom but decided against it. It wouldn’t be such a good idea to try and take a heavily intoxicated man up the stairs. Instead he retrieved a blanket and draped it over his sleeping boyfriend. Once he made sure Dean was somewhat comfortable, he laid down on the couch. There was going to be a lot to talk about tomorrow and he wasn’t particularly looking forward to that conversation. Trying to make Dean talk about his feelings was the same as trying to make a rock sing: downright impossible.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments. They mean a lot to me and they keep me going.
> 
> A Destiel heavy chapter. No, no smut, not just yet. Enjoy :)

 

Dean became aware of three things when he woke up from his scotch-induced sleep: the pain in his neck, a splitting headache and wetness on his cheek. He groaned and tried to get up, wiping the drool away with the back of his hand. The blanket that had been draped over him, slipped from his body and fell to the ground. Dean stared at it, blinking a few times in surprise. He was barely able to keep his eyes open against the sunlight pouring through the huge living room windows. Only then did he notice the outline of a body underneath another blanket on his couch. _Cas_.

The dark-brown head of tousled hair hardly visible above the covers could only belong to his boyfriend. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, and he was about to gently wake him when a wave of nausea hit him. He raced to the guest bathroom and only just made it to the toilet in time where he almost puked his guts out. God it hurt. The sour smell made him retch again until there was nothing left in his stomach to bring up.

Relieved that the worst seemed to be over, he rested his feverish forehead against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall. A noise made him look up. Cas stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed, one eyebrow slightly raised, and an unreadable expression on his face.

“You look awful,” he said. His gravelly voice sounded rougher and a hell of a lot sexier this early in the morning.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Cas.”

Cas went to the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of aspirin. He filled a glass with water and put everything on the vanity.

“Take two of those, and please brush your teeth and take a shower. You smell like a liquor store.”

When Cas left the room, Dean closed his eyes for a moment. Cas hadn’t sounded very happy, not that Dean could blame him. He got up and did what he was told.

\-----

When Dean came back downstairs,  showered and dressed in a pair of black sweatpants and a  plain black tee, he was greeted by the mouth-watering smell of crispy burnt bacon, eggs, and freshly brewed coffee. He only realized he was actually hungry when his stomach growled.

He padded into the spacious kitchen and took in the domestic sight. Cas stood at the stove, barefoot and with his hair sticking up in eight different directions. Dean took a moment to admire the muscles of his back, clearly visible underneath the thin fabric of his blue t-shirt, then snuck up behind him. He gently slipped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and nuzzled his neck. Resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder, he deeply inhaled the lingering scent of the other man’s aftershave.

“You angry with me babe?”

Cas shook his head. “No, Dean, I’m not angry. Just…disappointed, I guess.” He turned the pieces of bacon happily sizzling in the frying pan.

“Oh.” Dean let his arms slip away and took a step back. “Okay.” He went to the coffee machine and poured himself a big mug of the black liquid. “Sorry to be such a failure,” he added in a small voice.

Cas sighed deeply and turned to catch Dean’s eyes. “Damn it, Dean. You are not a failure.”

“You sure make me feel like one,” Dean mumbled. He took two plates from the cabinet, filled one with some bacon and a few pieces of toast, and went to sit at the counter.

Cas soon joined him with his own plate.

“You are not a failure,” Cas repeated decisively, settling onto the barstool next to Dean.

Dean looked up from his food, straight into Cas’s piercing sapphire gaze. He saw his own feelings mirrored in the beautiful eyes of his boyfriend. How could he not love this gorgeous man. Being loved back was sometimes beyond his comprehension. He must have done something good to deserve this amazing guy.

Cas broke the stare first. “I just wish you didn’t flee into a bottle of liquor every time something goes wrong,” he said and took a bite from a crispy slice of bacon.

“So, you know.” Dean sighed. “That Jo broke up with me that is.”

“Yes. She called me last night.”

Dean huffed. “Some friend she is. Screwing me over like that. Excellent timing too.”

Cas tilted his head. “I agree about the timing, it is the worst, but, Dean, can we honestly say we didn’t see it coming? We knew she was seeing Charlie, it was only a matter of time…”

“Don’t, Cas. Don’t defend her.” Dean jumped up with such force he nearly knocked his barstool over. “Couldn’t she at least wait?”

“Until when, Dean? Until after the worldwide premiere and the promotion tour?”

“Yeah, well, for starters.”

“That is at least another eighteen months and I’m sorry, but even I think that is just too much of a sacrifice to ask from someone.” Cas stood up and started cleaning up the remains of their breakfast. Obviously their meal was over.

“Oh, is that what she called it? A sacrifice?”

Cas dropped the dishes into the sink with a loud crash.

“No, she did not. Those are my words, not hers.” He rinsed the plates before putting them in the dishwasher. “I should have never agreed to go along with this charade in the first place,” he mumbled.

Dean whipped around in disbelief. “What did you just say?”

“I think you heard me just fine.”

“Oh, I heard you all right, I just couldn’t believe it.”

Another deep sigh echoed through the kitchen. Cas took a step forward until he was right in Dean’s personal space.

“I went along with it for you, Dean. I love you more than I have loved anything in my life and even though you never said it back, I know that you love me too.” He stopped to take a shaky breath. “But it is quite obvious you don’t love me enough to come out of hiding.” He brushed past Dean and went to the living room where he started to put on his socks and shoes.

Dean’s breath hitched.  Cas’s words hurt more than if he had stabbed him. A wave of panic made him sick to his stomach when he saw what Cas was doing.  He wasn’t leaving, was he? He felt like he was going to throw up again.

“Cas, what are you doing?” he asked trying to suppress the quiver in his voice.

“What does it look like?”

“Babe, please don’t do this.” Dean never begged but he couldn’t help himself. At this point, he didn’t care, if it made Cas stay. “We need to work this out. You can’t just run off like this.”

Cas looked up, his brows knitted in confusion.

“I’m not running off, Dean. I have to start packing, remember? I wouldn’t even be here this morning if it weren’t for Jo. Besides, I have my agent coming over and I need to shower and get dressed. I’m late as it is already.” He stood up. “But, you are right. We need to work this out. Just not right now.” He leaned in and gave him a chaste peck on the lips.

Dean grabbed his arm before he could turn around. He stared into his boyfriend’s blue eyes for a second, then pulled him to his chest and captured his lips. He licked Cas’s bottom lip, demanding access to his mouth.

Kissing Cas was Dean’s favorite thing in the world, especially when his boyfriend tasted like a mix of bacon, eggs and a hint of coffee. It filled his senses and sent his body into overdrive like it always did.

He started to harden, and he deepened the kiss, tangling Cas’s tongue with his own. He wanted more, so much more, and on other days, it would lead to passionate love making, but not today. That became clear enough when Cas broke the kiss that left them both breathless.

“I wasn’t kidding, Dean. I really need to go,” Cas whispered his lips barely leaving Dean’s. He gently pushed him away with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s okay, I understand.” Dean managed a smile of his own. “So, ehm, I’ll see you tonight?”

Cas nodded and with another quick kiss, he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Thursday, another chapter.

With a deep sigh of relief, Dean let himself fall onto the couch. He and Cas were fine. Things were a bit tense, but they were fine. For a brief moment he had thought Cas was going to walk out on him. He wouldn’t have handled that very well. He may not be ready to announce to the world he was bisexual - and dating a guy - but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Cas with every ounce of his being. Losing Cas would destroy him for sure. Jesus, when did he turn into such a sap? He was beginning to sound like a girl.

He was jerked out of his thoughts by his cell phone playing some ‘80’s rock song.

“What the hell Dean.” The familiar voice cut him off before he could say anything.

“Well, hello to you too, Sammy. How are you this morning?”

“Fine! So, is it true?”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “Is what true?” He tried to sound like he had no idea what his little brother was talking about but who was he kidding?

“Cut the crap, Dean. Did you and Jo break up?”

“Jo sure didn’t waste any time calling you,” Dean mumbled and sighed.

“I’ll take that as a yes and no, she didn’t call me.”

 “But…but…wait, if she didn’t tell you then how…”

“Seriously, Dean? It’s all over the news. Social media practically imploded.”

“What?” Dean shouted. He jumped up. “Damn it!”

“You have no idea how many times I heard those words from my wife this morning. She’s been swamped with your Facebook and Twitter accounts. Why the hell didn’t you tell me? At least that way we could have been prepared for the shitstorm that was heading our way.”

“Because it only happened last night, Sam. Jo took me completely by surprise. She showed up here unannounced to spring the news on me. I haven’t even fully processed the whole thing myself. How did it get out there so fast?”

“According to Jess, Jo tweeted it this morning herself.”

“Oh, well, that is just great.”

“One word of advice, Dean. Stay away from social media for a while. There is a lot of support, but there is also a lot of hate towards the both of you.”

“Yeah, what else is new?” Dean was suddenly exhausted. He opened the sliding doors leading to the stone patio and walked down the steps into the sun. The rays caressing his skin and the already slightly warm stones underneath his bare feet comforted him somehow. They grounded him, kept his emotions in check.

“Look, I’ll call Crowley and have him get in touch with Jo’s agent. Let us handle this, Dean.”

‘Thanks, Sammy.”

There was a beat of silence. Dean could practically hear the cogwheels turning in Sam’s head.

“So, does Cas know?” Yep, there it was.

“Yes. Jo had at least the decency to call him.”

“Dean, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to…”

“Don’t, Sam,” Dean cut him off. “Just…don’t.”

“But, Dean…”

“I said, don’t, Sam!”

“You can’t keep letting dad control your life like this, Dean,” Sam stubbornly pushed through.

“Damn it, Sam. It isn’t just about dad this time. We start shooting next week. Cas and I don’t need this right now, not with everything else going on.”

“Fine. I hope for your sake Jo keeps quiet about Charlie for a while or this thing will get out of control real fast.”

“She promised she would.”

“She might have, but we both know how well she is at keeping a secret especially about Charlie. She is dying to make it official.”

Dean sighed, his brother was right. Jo was terrible at keeping secrets. He considered it a miracle this whole charade hadn’t blown up in his face sooner.

“So, uhm, are we still on for dinner Friday?” Sam asked.

“Of course. I’m not gonna cancel because of this. I don’t know if Jo and Charlie are still gonna show up though and you know what? I don’t give a damn.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll see you Friday then. And, Dean? I meant what I said. Let us handle this.”

“Yeah, Sammy.”

“Bye, Dean. Take care and try not to stress over this. It’s not good for your health especially not with your current lifestyle of burgers and beer.”

Dean chuckled. Sam, always the health freak. If it were up to his little brother, Dean would be living on rabbit food and exercising three hours a day. Thanks, but, no thanks. Besides, he did exercise but only because he had to. As an actor, he had to keep in shape and with all the junk food he loved so much it was a necessary evil. He wasn’t getting any younger.

He pocketed his phone and sank down on one of the lounge chairs lined up at the side of the pool. Rubbing his face a few times he ran his hands through his hair and squinted against the sunlight.

He should take Sam’s advice to stay away from social media. Jess did a great job handling that for him anyway. Sometimes he posted things himself, but most of the time he let his sister-in-law take care of it for his own sanity. Fans could be very cruel.

His lips curled into a small smile when he thought about meeting Jessica for the first time. He had let Sam do the interviews and  hiring for the job, and his brother had been instantly smitten with her. Sure enough, it went both ways and they got married a few years ago. Now with a baby on the way, Dean looked forward to becoming an uncle. It would be the closest thing to having a kid of his own.

His smile faded into a frown. Sam was everything that he wasn’t, everything their father wanted him to be: married to a gorgeous girl, a baby on the way, and a solid career.

His dad hadn’t been too happy when he decided to move to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. He’d told Dean that he would never succeed. Dean worked his butt off to prove him wrong, and when he landed his first role, he was damn proud of it.

For the first time in his life he was truly free. He thought he could do as he pleased without his father being around looming over his shoulder all the time, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Dean had developed a crush on his male co-star and saw his feelings reciprocated. They were seen in public in an often more-than-friendly embrace and that started the rumors they were a couple. He shouldn’t have been surprised when his father showed up at his doorstep once those rumors had reached his hometown.

John told him that he didn’t care what Dean did behind closed doors, but that he better get his act together in public if he didn’t want his career to be short lived. Hollywood wasn’t particularly fond of fags. Devastated, Dean broke up with his co-star and started appearing in public with numerous models and actresses. He put on a mask, and soon got the reputation of being a real lady’s man. The longest relationship he ever had was with another actress. They were together for five years before Lisa ended it. She wanted to get married and start a family. Dean didn’t. He wasn’t ready to settle down, or that was what he had told her. The truth was that it didn’t feel right. Sure, he had loved her, and the sex was good, but it wasn’t the kind of gut-wrenching, butterflies in his stomach, gasping for air type of love he was looking for.

He had never felt that…until Cas. The beautiful actor was everything Dean always dreamt about. He could still take Dean’s breath away with one look and set his nerve endings on fire with a single touch. The sex was phenomenal. Sometimes it was wild and rough, other times it was lazy and sweet, but it was always mind-numbingly good.

Dean shook himself out of his thoughts. “Jesus, Winchester, get a grip. You’re not in some kind of soap opera,” he mumbled. He dragged himself up, shrugged his clothes off and dived into the pool to cool off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading sweeties.
> 
> See you next week :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Thursday, another update.

Cas had just gotten out of the shower and was still toweling his wet hair when security called to announce his agent had arrived.

He requested that they send him up and rushed into his bedroom to get dressed. The last thing he needed was to meet Balthazar with only a towel around his waist. Considering the history between them, that would be a horrible idea.

He barely made it to the living room, dressed in simple black slacks and a crisp white button-up shirt, when the elevator doors opened and Balthazar stepped into the penthouse. As usual, he looked distinguished in his Armani suit.

“Cassie, darling, you look splendid this morning.”

Balthazar’s eyes slowly slid up and down Cas’s body, but the hungry look in them was so brief Cas thought he had imagined it. He decided it would be best to ignore it.

“You want some coffee?” he offered, escaping Balthazar’s scrutinizing look by walking to the kitchen.

“Yes, that would be wonderful,” Balthazar called from the living room. Cas always wondered if Balthazar thickened his British accent to sound more cultured. It just made him sound pompous.

For a few moments, the only sound that broke the silence in the penthouse was the rumbling of the expensive coffee machine.

Cas strolled back into the living room holding a tray with two cups of steaming hot coffee, a bowl of sugar cubes and some cream. He put everything on the coffee table and sat down in the recliner.

“So, why are you here?” he asked, putting two sugars into his coffee. “What is so important that you just had to come over here?”

“Straight to business, right Cassie?” Balthazar smirked, stirring his drink.

Cas took a deep, calming breath.

“Why are you here?” he repeated.

Balthazar sighed. “I just wanted to go over your contract for this next movie again, making sure we haven’t overlooked any important details.”

“You came over here for _that_?”

“I thought I was doing you a favor sparing you from coming to my office,” Balthazar shrugged.

Cas rolled his eyes. He should have known this wasn’t as important as Balthazar had made it out to be. Any excuse was good enough for his agent to drop by.

“We’ve gone over that thing a thousand times and my lawyer made sure it is airtight. I’m not in the mood to go over it again.” Cas stood up. “You can go now.”

“You’re throwing me out?” Balthazar’s eyes widened in mock affront. “You hurt my feelings, Cassie. I haven’t even finished my coffee yet.”

That was the end of Cas’s patience. Damn him. He could have stayed with Dean and finished what their heated kiss had started.

“Yes, that is exactly what I am doing,” he shouted. “And stop calling me Cassie. I hate it, it is annoying!”

“You didn’t hate it three years ago.”

Cas froze. “That was before you decided to jump into the sack with Mick Davies,” he bit out. He walked over to the huge arched window showing him a spectacular view of the city, and took a few deep breaths, trying to keep himself from strangling Balthazar with his bare hands.

“I can’t believe you are still not over that. It means that there is still something between us.” The hint of satisfaction in Balthazar’s voice infuriated Cas even more. He turned, his jaw clenched in anger.

“Let me set a few things straight,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m over you, make no mistake, and there is nothing between us anymore. I’m with Dean now, and hell will have to freeze over before I even think of betraying him, his love or his trust. I.Love.Him!”

Balthazar stood up with a sigh. “Sure, Cassie, you keep telling yourself that, but you and I know better. Dean is so far in the closet that it is a miracle he hasn’t found Narnia yet. And there is no indication he’s going come out anytime soon. That’s how much he loves you.”

Cas balled his fists so tight that he felt his fingernails digging painfully into his palms.

“Why can’t you just forget about him?” Balthazar went on, ignoring Cas’s anger. “I’m out. We don’t have to hide and we made a great team. Just give us another chance.”

Balthazar’s insistence on coming over, suddenly made sense. Ever since Balthazar had found out he and Dean were together, he had been trying to win Cas back. Cas had put up with all the flirtations and sexual innuendos because Balthazar was the best agent in the business. If that hadn’t been the case, he would have fired him the same night he had found him buried balls deep in Mick Davies’ ass.

“Which part of what I said did you not understand, Balthazar. I would be a fool to get back together with you, not that I want to and I would be an even bigger fool to let a great man like Dean go.”

Balthazar snorted. “A great man,” he mocked. “You mean a shallow man who is so broken even you can’t piece him back together.”

The rage and the fury that had been building up deep inside of Cas reached a boiling point and  exploded wildly, like a volcano erupting. Before he even realized what he had done, he punched Balthazar in the nose.

Balthazar, completely taken by surprise stumbled back, with his hands cupped over his nose. Blood dripped over his fingers. “You son of a bitch,” he gasped.

“You had it coming,” Cas said. “You are fired. Now get the hell out or I will call security and have you thrown out.” Calmness settled over him again and seeing Balthazar’s bloody face brought a wave of utter satisfaction.

“You will pay for this.” Balthazar stomped to the elevator, hands still covering over his nose. A trail of red dots followed him across the tiled floor.

“I would love to see you try,” Cas spat. “But I promise you, if you even think about pressing charges, I will make sure every tabloid in Beverly Hills knows what a bastard you really are and I will sue the hell out of you for sexual harassment.”

Balthazar’s watery grey eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”

“You just try me.”

The elevator doors opened and Balthazar stumbled inside. It was only after they closed again that Cas let out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. He looked down at his hand. It was starting to hurt. He hadn’t even noticed. The skin on his knuckles was ripped and a trail of blood smeared across his fingers. A smile curved his lips despite the pain. Punching Balthazar had felt better than he’d thought it would. He could take all the insults in the world, but no one was allowed to talk about Dean like that and get away with it. No one but himself and Jo knew what Dean had gone through. How his own father had beaten him bloody at the age of sixteen, followed by years of emotional abuse that was still going on today. If Dean hadn’t stopped Cas, he would have told John to stay the hell away from his son a long time ago.

In the bathroom Cas cleaned his wounded knuckles. He hissed when the cool water ran over the raw flesh. Carefully he let them drip dry and then winced at the sting of the  disinfectant ointment. Finally, he bandaged his hand, stretching his fingers a few times.

Once his wounds were taking care of, he strolled into the bedroom and started packing. The plan had been for him to go to Dean’s tonight so they could spend a few relaxing days together before flying to Vancouver Saturday evening. Shooting would start Monday and they were expected on set as early as six in the morning.

He didn’t want to wait until the evening to go to Dean though. What was the point anyway? There was nothing left for him to do. He might as well go now.

When he finished packing, he called his boyfriend to tell him he was about to leave.

“Hold on a second babe,” Dean said. “Let me call Sam to have him pick you up.”

Cas frowned in confusion. “Why? I’m sure Sam is busy, and I am perfectly capable of driving myself. I can get a driver if you are worried that someone might…”

“Cas!”

“What?”

“You haven’t heard yet, have you?”

“Heard what?”

A deep sigh sounded through the phone. “The news of the break-up is out.”

“What? Already? How?” Cas’s confusion turned into worry. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, babe, I’m fine. It’s just that…well the paparazzi are parked right outside my front gate. Crowley already sent over some bodyguards, not that those vultures can get over the fence without being electrocuted or past the dogs, but, you never know. Even with the tinted windows, they’ll recognize your car, and you still have to punch in the security code. When they see you coming in and not going back out…”

“…they will blame me for the break-up,” Cas finished, nodding his head in understanding. He rubbed his forehead.

“Yeah and then we can read in all the tabloids tomorrow - in full techno color - how we were having an affair behind Jo’s back and that that was the reason for the split.”

“Well, they wouldn’t be wrong, except the behind Jo’s back part,” Cas mumbled.

“Cas, come on man, don’t do this.”

Cas shook his head and closed his eyes for a second. Dean was right. This was not the time to start an argument.

“That still doesn’t explain why you want Sam to pick me up.”

“Speculations, Cas! It’s bad enough as it is without them speculating about who is coming to visit. They won’t think it’s weird when Sam comes over.”

“Makes sense.” Cas sighed. “All right, when do you think he is going to be here?”

“I’ll tell him to drop everything. He should be there in about a half an hour.”

“Okay. See you in about an hour then. Love you,” Cas said and ended the call without waiting for a reply. He fell onto the peach colored corner sofa. How the hell did this turn into such a mess? The answer to that was clear as day. The moment he agreed to go along with Dean and Jo’s ‘brilliant’ plan, he’d known it was going to bite them in the ass.

He was so tired of everything. It was exhausting to deny his love for Dean in public all the time when all he wanted to do was to shout if from the rooftops. How Dean could keep up the façade of the unwavering womanizer was beyond him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and staying with me through this.
> 
> Tell me what you think.
> 
> See you next week sweeties.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there is a tiny bit of smut at the end of this chapter (just a little though). Finally, it took them long enough.

 

Dean looked up from the book he was reading in the shade of a mimosa tree when he heard a car coming up his driveway. A bright smile split his face when he recognized his brother’s black Mercedes Benz. He put the book down, slipped his feet into his flip-flops, and went over to the car, his hands in the pockets of his khaki cargo shorts.

“Hey, babe,” Dean greeted Cas with a swift peck on the lips when he exited the vehicle. He briefly hugged his brother, then Sam opened the trunk and helped Cas unload the suitcases. Dean frowned when his eyes caught the bandage wrapped around his boyfriend’s hand. He looked up at Cas. He opened his mouth to ask about it but shut it again when he saw Cas faintly shaking his head as if to say ‘not now’. Dean nodded once to tell him he understood.

Sam, completely oblivious to their silent conversation, closed the trunk when the last suitcase was unloaded.

“Okay, let’s get these inside,” he said.

Between the three men, they piled all the luggage up at the bottom of the staircase in one go. Dean looked at it, raising his eyebrows.

“Jesus, Cas, do you always take this much when filming on location?”

Cas chuckled. “No, but since you hate flying - and you’ll never get on a plane to come home  when we get a few days off - I figured I’d take as much as I could. We will be there for at least three months, Dean. Don’t forget that.”

“Just because I won’t get on a plane unless it is absolutely necessary doesn’t mean you can’t fly home when given the chance,” Dean said. He wasn’t the type of man to tell his boyfriend what he could or couldn’t do or demand him to stay with him all the time.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. “And leave you alone in Vancouver?” He shook his head. ‘Uh uh, not a chance.”

“What, you don’t trust me?” Dean tried to sound resentful but couldn’t hide the twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

“Oh, I trust you. I just don’t want to leave your side,” Cas replied, his voice even deeper and more hoarse than usual. It sent shivers down Dean’s spine and made his blood rush to his dick. He tugged Cas closer, so he could feel just how hard Dean was, what he had done to him. Their eyes met and locked, reflecting the desire dashing through their veins. They were on the verge of crushing their lips together when a loud cough pulled them out of the bubble they had created. They had totally forgotten that Sam was still there.

Dean’s eyes widened for a second, then he squeezed them closed and let his forehead fall against Cas’s chest in embarrassment. He wasn’t ashamed or anything, but getting a boner was not something he wanted Sam to witness.

“Sorry Sammy, we just got carried away.” Dean turned to him with a smile, hoping his hard on wasn’t too obvious.

“That’s all right, Dean. I just, ehm, I have to go. I still have a ton of work that needs to be done. It probably would have been finished by now if it weren’t for you.” He pointed a finger at his brother. “You owe me.” He stepped outside.

“Yeah, which reminds me, how are things out there?” Dean asked as they walked to the car.

Sam sighed. “It’s a circus. You are not alone though, Jo is suffering just as much from what I have heard.”

“Like she cares. She loves the attention,” Dean snorted, barely containing his contempt. “She’s the one who sent it out there, consequences be damned.”

“That’s just Jo being impulsive,” Sam defended her weakly. “You know how she is. Besides, what difference would it have made if the news had come out a few days later?”

“I would have been better prepared for the media fall out. All of us would have been better prepared. Weren’t you the one who was angry with me just this morning? I can only imagine what a PR nightmare this really is.”

Sam nodded. He got into his car and started the engine. “Well, there is nothing we can do about it anymore except handle it the best we can. Remember what I said, Dean. Stay away from social media.” He looked at Cas and added, “Both of you.” He closed the door and put down the window. “You guys enjoy your time together, and I’ll see you Friday.”

\-----

As soon as the car disappeared from view, Dean turned to Cas. He took his wounded hand and slightly rubbed his thumb over the bandage.

“You gonna tell me now what happened?”

A faint chuckle spilled from Cas’s lips. He looked at their joined hands and took a deep breath.

“I kind of…sort of…punched Balthazar in the nose.”

Dean had expected a lot, but not that.

“You punched Balthazar in the nose?” he repeated lowly, as if he hadn’t heard Cas right.

“Yes, I did.”

“Cas, what the hell man?” He took a few seconds to process that information and couldn’t hide the glint of amusement in his eyes. Cas was always the calm one. He had the patience of a saint. Balthazar must have crossed some serious lines.

“He had it coming,” Cas said with a sigh.

Dean grinned. “He had it coming a long time ago if you ask me. But, what happened that made you think now was a good time to throw a punch?”

“The usual.” Cas shrugged. “He came on to me, tried to push me into giving him another chance like he actually believed that was ever going to happen.” He stared at their hands again.

Dean frowned. Why wouldn’t Cas look at him? Disgust settled in his stomach, trying to rip his guts out. He squinted.

“Cas, did he touch you? Did he try anything? Because I swear to God…”

“No, Dean, it was nothing like that,” Cas cut him off. “He insulted you!”

“He insulted me?” Dean’s eyes widened in surprise. “Do I even wanna know what he said?”

Cas shook his head. “Not really.”

Dean let go of their hands and crossed his arms. “Let me get this straight. Balthazar insulted me and you punched him because of that?”

“Something like that, and I’m not gonna apologize for it.”

“Oh, I don’t want you to apologize for it.” A smile started to tug at the corners of Dean’s mouth. “So, you defended my honor or something?”

“Or something,” Cas nodded.

Dean’s smile broadened. “Babe, do you know how hot that is?”

Cas mirrored his smile. “Yeah?”

“Oh yes.” Dean stepped forward and crushed his mouth to Cas’s lips. When Cas gasped in surprise, he took full advantage of it by pushing his tongue into Cas’s mouth, capturing his tongue with his own. They explored each other like it was the very first time they kissed.

Without leaving his lips, Dean pulled Cas’s shirt out of his slacks and unbuttoned it, gently rubbing his fingers over every inch of skin revealed. He pushed it from Cas’s shoulders and it carelessly fell at their feet.

Dean moved his mouth to Cas’s neck and started to suck a mark in the sensitive skin behind his ear.

They were still standing at the bottom of the steps leading to the front door. It was hardly the right place for what they were doing.

“Dean,” Cas moaned. “The bedroom…”

“I know,” Dean agreed but he couldn’t let go just yet. He loved the bitter taste of Cas’s aftershave and the faint scent it had left on his skin. He let his hands wander down Cas’s naked back and cupped his ass cheeks, pulling him against the lower half of his body. In desperate need of some friction, he pushed Cas’s legs apart with his knee and started rubbing his erection against Cas’s thigh.

“Bedroom,” Cas whispered, gently pushing him away. He took Dean’s hand and tugged him inside.

They hardly made it up the stairs to the second floor without tripping over their own feet in their hurry to reach the bedroom. When the door closed behind them, Dean slammed Cas against the wall and pinned his hands above his head. He hungrily captured his boyfriend’s lips again, like he was starving, demanding access to his mouth.

Dean’s cock was achingly hard, begging to be freed from the prison that were his pants and boxer briefs. Cas was more than happy to comply when Dean started dry humping him like a teenager.

“Dean, please, stop or I’m gonna come in my pants,” Cas panted when they broke the kiss for some much needed air.

Dean chuckled and instead of releasing him, he pinned him even harder against the wall, rubbing him more frantically.

“What are you waiting for?” he whispered, defying him. He took his earlobe between his teeth. “Come for me, Cas.”

“Deaaaaaan!” Cas whined, thrusting back against Dean. He was slowly falling apart and Dean loved every minute of it.

“It’s okay, babe, I got you. And don’t worry. We have all day. By the time I’m done with you, you will be hard as a rock again.”

Cas tipped over the edge. With a deep moan he spilled his release in his boxers.

Dean guided him through his orgasm and then fell over the edge and into the deep himself, wetting his own boxer briefs. Heavily panting, he let his forehead fall on Cas’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath.

Cas slowly opened his eyes and blinked a few times. His gaze shifted to the damp spot at the front of Dean’s cargo shorts.

“You too?”

Dean smiled sheepishly, finally releasing Cas’s wrists. “I guess we both were kind of in a hurry, huh?” He cupped Cas’s face and guided him into a slow, tender kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading. Leave a comment.
> 
> See you all next week, with more smut.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I uploaded some images. A huge thank you goes to Mugglerock for walking me through it. I couldn't have done it without her.
> 
> A longer chapter than usual. And, as promised, smut ahead.

After they cleaned themselves up and changed their clothes, they made sandwiches for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing at the pool.

As soon as the sun started its journey down to the horizon, setting the sky on fire in different shades of orange, Dean went inside to start dinner. He loved cooking and he was good at it too. It gave him a sense of peace and he could forget all about the outside world, even if it was only for a while. It was just him and Cas in their own private little world.

This domestic bliss wouldn’t last forever. It would all be over once they started shooting on Monday. Their lives would be annoyingly public again, especially now that the news of the split was spreading like wild fire. Dean would be considered to be ‘on the market’ again and he could name at least two models and an actress who would go out of their way to be seen with him in public. They would spread vicious rumors that they were dating, for the sole purpose of furthering their careers. It was only a matter of who would get to him first. They were worse than his fans.

Cutting the vegetables for his famous Bolognese sauce, Dean let his mind wander, stopping at the memory of the moment he had met Cas. He smiled softly at the recollection.

Dean had been invited to the world premiere of Cas’s second movie and he had been more than happy to accept, trying not to act too eager. He knew Cas, everyone who was important in the movie business knew him, but he had never had the pleasure of meeting him. The truth was that Dean had been highly infatuated with Cas from the moment he had seen him on the big screen. After that, he had secretly sought out every T.V show he had guest starred in. The fact that Cas was an out-of-the-closet bisexual – he had never hidden his sexual orientation – only made matters worse for Dean. It meant Dean actually had a chance with him.

The evening of the red-carpet event, Dean had been as giddy and excited as a school girl on prom night, butterflies tying his stomach in knots. It was crazy how he, a famous actor himself, was fangirling over another actor. It made no sense, not in his book anyway. It was at the after party that they were introduced. He could still almost feel the rush of adrenaline that had shot up his arm, making his heart skip a few beats, the moment their hands had touched. His breath had hitched when he looked into Cas’s mesmerizing blue eyes and if Dean hadn’t  had a crush already, he would have at that very moment.

They had fallen into easy conversation - like they were old friends - until Cas had to mingle with the other guests.

They didn’t have a chance to talk again that evening, but Dean’s eyes had sought him out unconsciously, scanning the room until they found him. More than once, Cas had looked up, right at him as if he had felt he was being watched. Their eyes had locked and they held each other’s gaze for a few seconds before they turned away, a smile blooming on their lips and pink blossoming on their cheeks.

Dean chuckled at the memory and put the cut vegetables into the heated olive oil. They sizzled while Dean stirred them. He then added some water, turned the heat down and put a lid on the pot to let them simmer.

“What are you chuckling about?” A voice startled him out of his thoughts. Dean looked over his shoulder and smiled at Cas, who was sitting at the kitchen counter.

“I’m just remembering the night we met,” Dean said while filling another pot with water for the pasta. He put it on the stove, then stirred the vegetables again. He decided to let them simmer a few minutes more before adding the meat.

“That really was a night to remember, wasn’t it,” Cas said with a sigh of contentment.

*

While watching his boyfriend cook, Cas let his own mind drift away to the past.

Unlike Dean’s career, Cas’s star had risen overnight. He went from a working actor no one knew - guest starring on different television shows - to a world-famous actor between one day and the next. It was insane how fast things had happened for him, and it was only because he was cast for the leading role in a film that had become an unforeseen success. After that, everyone wanted him, in more ways than one.

Like so many other fans, he had always admired Dean from afar. He lost count of the number of times he had jerked off with his image behind his closed eyelids. Never, in a million years had he thought that the fantasies of Dean’s full lips around his hard cock, swallowing him whole in the heat of his mouth, flicking his tongue over the head, would become a reality. As far as he knew, Dean was as straight as an arrow but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to meet him. He had put his name on the premiere guest list himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so excited as when he had heard Dean would be there.

And then he had finally met the object of his countless fantasies. The dilated pupils in the moss green irises of Dean’s eyes when they had shaken hands, had confused the hell out of him. It had told him the man in front of him was genuinely attracted to him. Either that or he was losing his mind; seeing things that were only a figment of his overactive imagination. The more they had talked and the more attention Cas had paid to Dean’s eyes – which wasn’t hard to do, he could lose himself in them – the more he had become convinced that there was a mutual attraction. Wasn’t that an interesting turn of events? He didn’t pursue it though. He was in a relationship with Balthazar, and Dean was obviously very deep in the closet.

Their eyes had locked numerous times over the course of the evening. Every time it had sent shivers down Cas’s spine, making his cock achingly hard. The sexual tension had been so high it hadn’t escaped Balthazar’s attention. Needless to say he had not been very happy about it. An argument had occurred after they got home, with a lot of screaming on both sides. Three months later, Balthazar betrayed him and he left. It was only then when it had dawned on him he had been in a very unhealthy relationship. He never told anyone about the betrayal, not even Dean.

“Earth to Cas, hey,” Dean’s voice brought him back to the present.

Cas looked up and blinked a few times. When his mind finally caught up, he saw the concern on Dean’s face.

“You really zoned out there for a minute, man. Are you okay?”

Cas managed a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yes, I’m fine, Dean.” It wasn’t a complete lie. He was fine. The bad memory just caught him by surprise.

Dean didn’t look quite convinced. The frown between his brows grew deeper while he warily studied Cas’s face. He didn’t push it though and for that Cas was grateful. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. He only wanted to lock it away deep in his subconscious and forget it ever happened.

\-----

They took their dinner to the T.V room and decided on an Indiana Jones marathon to fill the rest of their evening.

When the credits of the first film rolled, they cleaned up the remains of dinner and put the leftovers in containers.

Dean started the dishwasher and made a big bowl of popcorn to snack on during the second movie. He didn’t get far. Cas snuck behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his lips at the back of his neck.

Dean leaned into the hug with closed eyes. “Someone’s horny,” he chuckled when he felt Cas’s erection pressing against his ass cheeks.

“Are you complaining?” Cas pressed his mouth against Dean’s shoulder, taking the fabric of his t-shirt between his teeth.

“Hell no.” Dean spun around in Cas’s arms and captured his lips in a heated kiss that was all tongue and teeth. It lasted until they almost ran out of oxygen and needed to break it to get some more air into their lungs.

“Race you to the bedroom,” Cas whispered, then he turned around and started running.

“Cas,…damn it.” Dean laughed and ran after him.

They lost their t-shirts along the way and  even managed to get out of their shorts before Dean  slammed the bedroom door closed behind them.

Slightly out of breath, they looked at each other with sparkling eyes and lust blown pupils before their lips reconnected, hard and sloppy.

Dean threw Cas flat on his back on the King-size bed and straddled him. He tenderly kissed Cas’s forehead, moving to his eyelids and further down to Cas’s lips, licking at the seam of his mouth. He savored the flavor that was all Cas, it was intoxicating and heightened his senses. He moved further down, caressing every inch of Cas’s skin with his tongue, leaving a fiery trail of open mouthed kisses in his wake until he reached his boyfriend’s boxers. In one swift movement, he removed the obstacle and threw it over his shoulder, freeing Cas’s swollen erection. He licked his lips, taking a few moments to admire the hard and slightly curved cock. Precome was already pearling at the top. It was not like Dean hadn’t seen it a few hundred times before, but it could still take his breath away even now, after all this time. He was beautiful.

Dean bent down and swirled his tongue around the head, lapping up the salty evidence of Cas’s arousal while sliding his hands up and down the inside of his thighs, gently pushing them apart. He took him further in his mouth, carefully going down until he felt Cas’s cock nudging at the back of his throat, then he swallowed.

A loud and appreciative moan broke the silence of the slowly darkened bedroom. Cas’s hands grasped the strands of Dean’s hair in an almost painful grip.

“Dean…please…” It was the broken plea of a man on the edge, desperately trying to hang on.

Dean’s wet lips formed a smile around the thick cock. He started sucking a little harder, his tongue and mouth working in perfect unison. He loved taking Cas apart, piece by wonderful exciting piece until there was nothing left of the man but a withering mess, squirming and begging for release. He knew Cas’s body so well that he pulled off right before Cas orgasmed, keeping him from falling into the abyss of pleasure.

A loud and wrecked whine spilled from Cas’s lips. He sounded like a child that was denied some candy.

With a devious smirk, Dean moved up on him and captured his mouth in a deep, passionate kiss.

“On all fours, babe,” he murmured low with his lips against Cas’s before he moved away to remove his boxers and to retrieve the bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer. There was no need to use a condom, not anymore. They both got tested six months into their relationship and got clean bills of health. Since they were exclusive and trusted each other with their lives, there was no need to use protection any longer.

Dean crawled back on the bed where Cas was already waiting on his knees and elbows, his naked ass beautifully exposed.

He positioned himself behind Cas, letting his hands wander up and down Cas’s back a few times, creating goosebumps on the tanned skin. Dean pushed apart Cas’s ass cheeks and tentatively let his tongue slide over his hole, licking it like an ice cream cone. He felt Cas opening up for him and pushed his tongue past the muscles of his rim, eliciting a loud moan from the other man’s mouth.

Dean decided not to drag it out any longer. He knew from past experiences that Cas could come untouched by rimming alone and he was already close. Dean was so hard himself – it was starting to hurt – he wanted to move things along. He coated his fingers and pushed one inside. Cas was already loose and relaxed enough that he could almost immediately add another.

A loud cry of pleasure bounced off the bedroom walls, and Dean knew he had found the sweet spot buried deep inside Cas. He added a third finger.

“Damn it Dean. Fuck me, please. I’m ready.”

“Easy babe, I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“You won’t. Just…please, please, I wanna feel you.” Cas started bucking his hips, fucking Dean’s fingers. He whined when Dean removed them and gasped when Dean’s lubed cock pushed inside.

Dean bottomed out and closed his eyes. He held still, fighting the urge to thrust, digging his fingernails into the tender flesh of Cas’s hips. The heat surrounding his cock was almost too much. It took every ounce of self-control not to come instantly. Cas was still very tight even after two years.

“Move,” Cas growled, rolling his hips.

Dean complied, setting a steady rhythm. He wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist, hauling him up and setting him in his lap. The position made him slide even deeper. He changed his angle and found Cas’s prostate, hitting it with every thrust.

“Fuck! Oh God. Deaaaaaaan.”

“I know, baby, I’m right there with you,” Dean whispered tenderly with his lips against the side of Cas’s neck. He took Cas’s neglected cock in his hand and tugged it in time with thrusts that grew more frantic with every passing second.

“Dean…Fuck…I’m gonna…”

“You can let go, babe, I got you.”

With Dean’s name on his lips, Cas spilled his release all over Dean’s hand.

Dean fucked Cas through his orgasm before his own hit him like a freight train and he came buried deep inside his boyfriend. He muffled his scream of pure bliss against Cas’s shoulder, dragging his teeth over his skin.

Totally fucked out, Dean held Cas tight against his chest. They took time to catch their breath and come down from the height of pleasure. The sheen of sweat covering their bodies started to dry, making them both shiver in the cool air of the air-conditioned room.

Dean felt his softening cock slip out of Cas. With one final kiss against the back of Cas’s neck, he moved away. “We’d better go and clean ourselves up,” he said softly.

Cas whined but agreed. He followed Dean to the adjoining bathroom. “Ugh, I’m a mess,” he said, wetting a wash cloth with warm water.

Dean smirked. “I know, and you like it.” He stole a swift kiss.

“Yes, I do,” Cas concurred with a shy smile and stole the kiss right back.

After sufficiently cleaning themselves up, they changed into a fresh boxer briefs and crawled under the covers. It didn’t take them very long to fall asleep, safe and secure in each other’s arms, dreaming dreams of rainbows and unicorns and everything right with the world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the sexy times. Tell me what you think. Comments keep me going.
> 
> See you all next Thursday. Kisses.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapters turn out a bit short. It is the first fic I ever uploaded. Future fics will have longer chapters, promise.
> 
> This fic is almost fully written and I can already tell you that the boys are going to go through some pretty rough times. But, that is for later. A lot of fluff and smut first.
> 
> Enjoy.

 

The blaring of Dean’s phone brutally pulled him from a rather pleasant dream. Still not fully awake, he rolled to his side with a groan and took the device from his nightstand. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he saw it was his brother calling.

“This better be good, Sam, or I swear to God I will kick your ass,” he said not even trying to hide his irritation. “It’s fucking six thirty in the morning.”

“Morning Dean. And yes, uhm, I’m sorry to wake you but this is important.”

“It better be,” Dean mumbled, voice still rough with sleep.

“A photo of Cas leaving your place yesterday morning at eight has surfaced.”

Dean frowned. “Yes, so?” He had a very hard time getting his brain cells to function. He looked beside him at the still sleeping body of his gorgeous boyfriend. A fond smile cradled the corners of his mouth. It took a lot more than an incoming phone call to wake him up.

“Do you know how it looks Cas leaving the estate that early?” Sam said. “Speculations are running high.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He felt a headache forming behind his eyelids.

“Fill me in, Sam. What are they saying? And the full story please.”

A sigh sounded through the phone. “Okay, so, Jo tweeted the news of your break up at about four in the morning. Some reporter with a bad case of insomnia caught it that early and decided to stake out your place. He was there at five, or so he claimed. He saw Cas leaving, but never arriving which lead him to the conclusion that Cas had to be at your place already before he arrived there. The word now is that apparently Jo walked in on you and Cas doing the horizontal mambo and that that is the reason for the break up.”

If Dean’s brain wasn’t fully online yet a few moments ago, it was now.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he shouted. His headache grew worse. It was way too early for this shit. He stepped out of bed and started pacing. “So, what now?”

“I think it’s time that you, Jo, and Cas make an official statement,” Sam suggested. “We tried to avoid you guys going public but this is getting out of hand. This could very well ruin your reputation. No one likes cheaters, Dean.”

“But we weren’t cheating!” Dean shouted defensively.

“Who is cheating?” Cas asked his eyes blurry with sleep and his hair even messier than usual. Dean was sure it was illegal to look that sexy this early in the morning.

“We know that, Dean, but they don’t,” Sam brought his attention back to their conversation. “You need to address the press whether you like it or not.”

“And what exactly do you suggest we tell them?”

“How about the truth for once?”

Dean almost choked. He could not believe his brother just said that. He could feel his face heat up in different shades of red.

“Are you kidding me right now Sam? You honestly suggest that we come clean about this whole secret dating thing? Do you even know what you are saying?”

This caught Cas’s attention. He looked at Dean with big blue eyes filled with questions.

“No, Dean,” Sam sighed.

“Then what?” Dean snapped.

“It is not exactly rocket science. Jo broke up with you. You didn’t take it very well and she got worried, so she called Cas, asking to check on you. Cas - being the good friend that he is - came over in the early hours of the morning and you guys talked until he left at eight. Of course leaving out the part where you drank yourself into oblivion.”

Dean had to admit that that actually wasn’t such a bad idea, at least it was partly true.

“You think they’re gonna buy it?”

“It’s the truth, isn’t it? Or some version of it anyway.”

“Doesn’t mean they’re gonna buy it.” Dean looked at Cas who mouthed to him ‘what’s going on?’

Dean held up his hand to him while saying “Hang on Sammy, I’m gonna put you on speaker.” He pressed a button and settled back on the bed, leaning against the headboard while watching the variety of expressions that skimmed Cas’s face when Sam repeated what he had said to Dean. He finally settled on a worrisome look. “It is a good story.” He shrugged. “And it is not a complete lie.”

Dean nodded. “Okay, Sammy, you heard Cas. Get the word out there however you want because we are not gonna address the press.”

“Dean…”

“No, Sam,” Dean cut him off. “We only have a couple of days of peace and quiet left, I intend to enjoy them and that means no public appearances.”

“But Jo might…”

“Jo can do whatever the fuck she wants as long as she backs up our story. Which shouldn’t be a problem because, you know, it’s the truth. So I suggest you call her or whoever handles her affairs nowadays and make sure she gets the facts straight before she fucks up even more than she already has.” He furiously ended the phone call and let his head fall against the headboard, rubbing his face with both hands. “This is a fucking nightmare.”

“Hmmmm.” Cas moved closer, snuggling up against him. “It could be worse.” He tangled their legs together, letting his head rest on Dean’s naked torso.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, pulling him even closer, enjoying the heat of his body. He deeply inhaled the scent of Cas’s shampoo, a mixture of cinnamon and watermelon. Something warm and fuzzy slowly coiled up in his stomach.

Dean never was big on the whole cuddling thing. That word didn’t even exist in his vocabulary before he met Cas and he learnt what real love was all about. Now he enjoyed it even more than he thought was possible. He could lay here all day long, just like this, with the man he loved wrapped around him.

A soft snore told him Cas had already fallen back asleep. He felt his own eyelids grow heavy again. Just as he was drifting off to join Cas into the land of dreams, he was pulled back by another incoming phone call.

“Now what,” he groaned, snatching his cell from the nightstand. He gasped when he saw the caller ID.

“O my God!”

“I didn’t know you had a direct line to the good Lord,” Cas mumbled. He had obviously also jerked awake again.

“No, it is just,…”

Cas lifted his head to look at Dean with a frown.

“Dean, what is it?”

Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“It just got worse,” he said hoarsely, staring at his phone like it was some alien device from another planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a cliffhanger.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Leave a comment, they keep me motivated


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry...

 

“You don’t have to answer that,” Cas said when he saw who the incoming call was from. He untangled himself from Dean’s warm body and moved a few inches away.

“Babe, I have to,” Dean said, voice desperate. He felt like an animal cornered by a predator about to face a horrifying fate.

“No, Dean, you don’t.”

“He’ll just call again.”

“Then turn the damn phone off. This isn’t exactly difficult.” Dean could hear he was two seconds away from yelling and that was saying something since Cas had the patience of a saint.

“If I do that, he’ll just call the landline. You know how he is.”

Cas opened his mouth to say something when the phone suddenly fell silent. Both men looked at it, holding their breaths, waiting for it to start again but hoping against all odds for it to stay silent. It was useless. After a few seconds, sure enough, the phone started to play the ‘80’s rock song again with the same caller ID flashing on the screen.

“Cas,…”

Cas threw his hands in the air. “Fine, suit yourself,” he snapped. He got out of bed and padded to the adjoining bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Dean winced and closed his eyes. He answered the call with a feeling of dread tightening in his chest. He had a pretty good idea why his father was honoring him with a phone call.

“Hi, dad.”

“Are the rumors I’m hearing true, Dean? Did you and Jo break up?” John’s voice boomed in his ear.

“Yes, it is true.” It was no use beating around the bush. He rubbed his forehead with thumb and index finger; the headache that had been blooming earlier returned with a vengeance.

“Damn it, son. I thought you finally got your act together. How did you screw up this time?”

Dean sighed. He stood up and started pacing the space between the window and the bed. He absent-mindedly opened the curtain and let the early morning light pour inside.

“You probably chased her away, right? You always did have the bad habit of messing a good thing up. It’s just the way you are. What was it this time? Was it the same reason you and that actress - what was her name again – Lisa - broke up?” John raged. Dean could almost physically feel his anger through the phone. He started to crumble underneath his father’s wrath. Nothing had really changed. He still craved John’s approval like a thirsty person craved water. But now, instead of using his hand to slap Dean across the cheek, his father used words to hit him.

“She fell in love with someone else,” Dean blurted. He closed his eyes when he realized what he had just said. No one was supposed to know that little fact yet. But then again, who was John going to tell? The tabloids? He wouldn’t put it past him. Damn it! Why did he always feel the need to justify himself to his father?

There was a beat of silence. When John finally spoke again, his voice was low and eerily calm, so filled to the brim with disgust that ice-cold shivers ran down Dean’s spine, chilling him to the bone.

“Really, Dean. What, you weren’t man enough to keep her satisfied? I should have known that from someone who likes dick.”

Dean gasped. That hurt. That hurt so much worse than the beating he had received when he was sixteen. He bent over like he had been punched in the gut.

“You bigoted bastard.” Dean clenched his teeth trying to control the anger building inside him. He straightened and erupted. “You don’t know a damn thing. I always tried my best to please you, but whatever I did, it was never good enough for you, was it. You know what? I’m done. Stay the hell away from me and get the fuck out of my life. This conversation is over,” and he ended the call much to his own surprise. It was the first time in, well, forever, that he stood up to his dad. He should feel proud that he finally found the strength to do it, but all he really felt was sadness.

“Fucking damn it!” he yelled and threw his phone against one of the bedroom walls. It shattered, the pieces falling to the carpeted floor.

The adrenaline that was fueled by his rage gradually left his body, leaving him trembling like a leaf and sick to his stomach. He fell onto the edge of the bed, taking his head into his hands. Tears started to burn behind his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

*

Cas had taken a cold shower in a literal attempt to cool off. Why Dean still answered John’s phone calls was beyond him. Surely he knew by now that his father only called to cause trouble.

He was in the middle of drying himself off when he heard a loud noise from the bedroom. He wrapped the fluffy white towel around his waist and opened the door, the familiar scent of cinnamon and watermelon surrounding him. With wide eyes, he took in the scene in front of him: shattered pieces of a device on the floor, a small dent in the wall and Dean sitting on the bed, looking miserable.

Dean looked up at him and when Cas met his wet, bloodshot eyes, the last bit of anger left his body. He went over to his boyfriend and knelt in front of him, his hands on Dean’s thighs.

“Are you all right? What happened?”

Dean huffed a humorless laugh. “I told my dad to fuck off.”

Cas’s eyebrows shut up, almost hitting his hairline.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Cas watched him for a moment and then squinted his eyes. “Are you sorry?”

Dean looked at the remains of his phone. “No. I’m only sorry I let him get to me so bad I felt the need to smash my phone.”

They were interrupted by the faint sound of the phone ringing downstairs.

“That’s probably him again,” Dean said. He stood up and started to leave the bedroom, still wearing nothing but his boxers.

Cas’s anger flared up again .“Wait, Dean, you are not seriously considering answering that, are you?”

Dean turned to him with a frown. “No, Cas, I’m gonna unplug the damn thing and start breakfast. I’m hungry.”

Cas let out a breath of relief. He quickly got dressed in a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt and followed Dean down the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next Thursday.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm, not entirely happy with this chapter.
> 
> Smut ahead.

 

Dean was withdrawn and distant for the rest of the day. If Cas didn’t know him so well, he would have worried. But Cas _did_ know him; he knew Dean better than anybody else, except – maybe - Sam. Dean just needed some time to deal with what went down this morning.

He didn’t force Dean to talk about it. That would be as successful as trying to catch a moon beam and lock it inside a jar. There was nothing Cas could do except be there for him, be the beacon of light Dean needed to guide him through the rough sea of emotions he was currently sailing.

Cas did call Sam, but only after he discussed it with Dean. Sam deserved to know the basics before he got ambushed by John. Besides, with his phone smashed and the landline unplugged, there was no way Sam could reach his brother either.

Everything considered, the day wasn’t that bad. They spent it in comfortable laziness, laying on the couch in the T.V. room, watching movies and taking a swim in the kidney shaped pool. Some people would find it boring, but not them. For Dean and Cas, days like that were pure heaven.

They didn’t make love that night, they didn’t have to. They were perfectly content with falling asleep in each other’s arms, shielded from the big bad world outside the gates of Dean’s estate.

*

Cas woke up to the very pleasant feeling of his cock surrounded by wet heat. He arched his back, moaning as he opened his eyes and looked down. Green eyes, pupils blown wide with lust looked back mischievously through thick eyelashes.

Dean pulled off, a sly smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Morning babe.” he kissed a hot trail up Cas’s naked body until he reached his mouth, crashing their lips together in a passionate kiss.

“Make love to me, Cas,” he whispered, his full lips still caressing Cas’s mouth. “I need you. I wanna feel you.”

Cas was well aware it wasn’t about sex, not entirely. He heard the truth in Dean’s voice. It was about Dean seeking comfort and his need for confirmation that he was loved for who he was and not only for who people wanted him to be.

Cas reached up and gently cupped Dean’s face, tenderly tracing the lines of his lips with his thumb and enjoying the scratch of stubble against the inside of his hand.

Dean closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He leaned into the touch and turned his head to press a sweet kiss to Cas’s palm.

Cas let his hand slide to the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him down, reconnecting their lips. He plunged his tongue into the moist heat of Dean’s mouth, tasting him, playfully capturing his tongue.

They broke the kiss, gasping for much needed air. Dean slid off Cas’s body. “Make love to me,” he whispered again, pleading, begging almost.

Cas looked intensely into his green eyes shining with unshed tears. Dean was such a beautiful soul. Only a handful of people knew who he really was. To the outside world he was the manly bad boy - ‘trouble’ written all over him - but always smiling, polite and friendly to his fans. He had an air of confidence around him, taking no bull-shit and acting like he couldn’t care less what people thought of him, but deep down he was as insecure as the next person. He went out of his way to please the people he loved, to take care of them, even if it meant he came second. It was Cas who had taught him to be selfish once in a while, to let people take care of him for a change.

Cas retrieved the bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer. He put it on the bed within reach and gently pushed Dean on his back, pushing a pillow under his hips for better access. With coated fingers he rubbed his rim, wetting it, massaging the muscle into relaxation until he could push inside.

Taking his sweet time, Cas opened Dean up, making him ready to welcome him inside. He poured every ounce of the love he felt for this gorgeous man into his ministrations, kissing the dark spots the sun had left on the bridge of his nose and cheeks and forehead.

He looked at Dean’s neglected cock, laying heavy and beautiful on his stomach, precome beading at the top.

Cas added a third finger. He found Dean’s prostate and rubbed the sweet spot while bending down and taking the head of his boyfriend’s cock in his mouth, lapping up the salty fluids pulsing out and reducing him to a writhing mess. He felt Dean tugging at his hair, his fingernails scratching his scalp.

“ _Please, please, please,…_ ” the words left Dean’s mouth like a mantra.

Cas removed his fingers and pulled off Dean’s cock, giving himself a few moments to catch his breath. He coated his cock and gradually started to push, filling Dean until he was fully seated inside. His eyes fluttered closed while he held still, letting Dean adjust to the thickness and the length of his dick. Agonizingly slow he started to move, in and out, hitting Dean’s prostate with every thrust.

He opened his eyes, taking in the beautiful, elated expression on Dean’s face. He noticed the wetness of a tear at the corner of his left eye and bent over to kiss it away, tasting its saltiness.

Dean wrapped his legs around Cas’s waist, pulling him deeper and bucking his hips to meet his thrusts.

Cas shoved his arms underneath Dean’s back and pulled him close to his chest.

Dean clung to him like a drowning man to a buoy, desperate and afraid to let go. Cas felt the slight burn of Dean’s fingernails scratching the skin on his back.

“Cas,…fuck…I’m…I…”

Screaming Cas’s name, Dean came untouched, spurt after spurt of white coating both their stomachs.

Cas felt him contracting around his cock. Stars exploded behind his closed eyelids, lighting up the earlier semi-darkness when his orgasm hit him full force.

He moaned loudly, groaning Dean’s name, fucking them both through their joint orgasms until they were drained and too sensitive to go on.

Ever so gently, Cas laid Dean back down on the soft comforter, taking possession of his mouth in a lazy kiss. He released Dean’s lips and looked deep into his shining eyes, specks of gold lighting up in the green of his irises.

“I love you Dean,” Cas said before slipping out of Dean’s body, leaving him whining softly at the empty feeling. He fell beside him, shuffling close and finally resting his head on his boyfriend’s chest right under his chin.

Dean wrapped Cas in his arms with a sigh of utter satisfaction. They stayed like that for a while in comfortable silence, cherishing their closeness and not caring about the come that was slowly drying between their bodies.

And then, in the aftermath of their mind-blowing orgasm, and with the morning sun climbing higher up in the sky, brightening the room through a crack in the curtains, Cas heard a whisper that was so faint he thought he had imagined it.

“ _I love you too, Cas._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. See you all next Thursday.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the chapters a bit longer by smashing them together.
> 
> Some domestic bliss with friends, nothing really exciting. The calm before the storm.
> 
> To avoid all confusion, the mimosas mentioned in this chapters are the flowers, not the alcoholic drink.

 

Sam and Jess arrived for dinner at six that evening. Dean hugged his brother with one arm while flipping the burgers on the grill in the back yard with the other. He kissed Jess on the cheek, before she disappeared inside.

Sam handed Dean a new phone. “I had your number changed like you asked. All the important contacts are already listed but I might have forgotten a few, so, best to check it.”

Dean gave his brother a sincere smile. “Thanks, Sammy.” He took the phone and put it in the pocket of his shorts.

“So, Jo and Charlie are coming after all,” he said with a sigh. He didn’t really know how to feel about that so soon after their whole charade fell apart.

“It is like I said this morning, Dean. Jo wanted to call you herself but, you know, phone smashed and all that.” He warily eyed his brother and when Dean didn’t answer he went on, “It really is for the best, don’t you think? That you guys clear the air before you leave for Vancouver tomorrow?”

“Yeah, yeah, I guess so.”

They both looked up when they heard voices and giggling coming from the sliding doors that led onto the patio. Jess appeared, dressed in a bathing suit proudly showing the slight curve of her belly under which new life was growing. Cas was right behind her, a grin from ear to ear splitting his face, carrying two plates with fresh fruit and vegetables.

Dean caught his blue eyes from across the yard. Even from that distance, he could see the love in them that made him gasp for breath.

*

Cas put the plates on the patio table while Sam fussed over Jess. She carefully sank into the cool, welcoming water of the pool.

“Jesus, Sam, I’m not gonna drown,” she snapped.

“Yeah, well, just be careful.” Sam turned around and went into the house, coming back with two beers. He handed Cas one and dropped into the chair next to him on the patio. For a few minutes, they sat with companionable silence stretching out between them. They listened to the splashing sounds Jess made in the pool, taking in the delicious smell of grilled burgers gradually filling the air, chasing away the usual scent of mimosas.

“So, how is he holding up?” Sam pointed his beer bottle in Dean’s direction and then took a swig from it.

“As good as can be expected.” Cas sighed. “He was a bit distant yesterday, but, that’s Dean.”

Sam nodded.  “And, let me guess, he didn’t wanna talk about it.”

Cas squinted against the sun on its way down to the horizon, cutting through the blue sky like a knife, leaving purple and pink stripes in its wake. “No, he didn’t.” He took a sip, savoring the bitter-sweet taste of the beer. “So, ehm, I assume your dad called you?”

Sam huffed a laugh. “You could say that. Only about a hundred times. I only picked up after you called to tell me what happened.”

Cas saw he wanted to say more but their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Charlie and Jo. Soon the sound of laughter and cheerful voices floated through the back yard.

*

Dean took in the scene from where he was managing the grill. The burgers were almost ready. He wasn’t someone to hold a grudge. Sure, he had been pretty pissed at Jo, but he couldn’t stay angry with her for very long. Sam was right, it was best to clear the air between them before he left.

He chuckled when he heard Charlie’s perky laughter. The fiery red head was hired many years ago to build his website and had soon become a part of his inner circle of good friends.

Dean had felt an instant connection to her. He didn’t know why, but it was probably because of her good nature and the fact that she was easy to talk to. And because she was a lesbian, he didn’t have to worry she would hit on him.

She was the first person he had told about his crush on Cas. It had been a huge relief to get that off his chest. She had pushed him to invite Cas to his pool parties and movie nights after the news got out he had broken up with Balthazar, and had given him the courage to pursue his dream of having a relationship with him despite the fact that he was a man.

Even though he had known Charlie longer than Jo, he never told her anything about his troubled past or why he didn’t want to go public about dating Cas. As far as she knew, it was only because it would be a bad career move. She never questioned it or pushed him into telling her more than he was willing to share.

His mind drifted away from those memories and back to what he had said to Cas that morning. He meant it, of course he did, he just hadn’t meant to voice his feelings like that. Showing vulnerability wasn’t like him. Truth was, it scared him shitless.

Only one person had ever had the privilege of hearing those three little words from his mouth, and that was his mom. He had never even said them to Sam. Besides, Dean always believed actions spoke much louder than words.

He knew Cas had heard it even if it had been said in the smallest of whispers. His boyfriend stirring in his arms, pressing even closer and holding him tighter, had told him that much. Cas didn’t ask for an explanation or press him to talk about it and for that, Dean was ever so grateful.

After allowing himself to think about it for just a few seconds, which was a small miracle on its own - Dean didn’t _do_ feelings - he pushed it away, like he always did. This time, there was one tiny difference; this time he didn’t pretend it never happened.

\-----

Dinner was delicious, as it always was. Dean did know how to make a mean burger.

Things with Jo were a bit tense at first. Dean didn’t quite know how to approach her. Should he start the conversation to clear the air between them or should he wait for her to apologize first? He chose the latter. She started the whole mess.

“Guys, come on, this is ridiculous. Talk already, please?” It was Charlie who finally decided enough was enough.

Dean looked at her and saw the pleading glint in her eyes. Then he just shrugged and took another huge bite from his burger. As far as he was concerned, the ball was in Jo’s court.

The tension rose higher until it was affecting all of them. They warily eyed each other, waiting for either Jo or Dean to say something… _anything_.

All eyes finally landed on Jo, as if they silently agreed she should be the one to take the first step to reconciliation.

“I’m sorry, okay,” Jo suddenly blurted. She put her half-eaten burger on her plate and looked around the table. She eventually let her eyes rest on Dean who looked back with his eyebrows raised.

“You mean that, Jo?” There was a skeptical edge to his voice.

Jo let her shoulders sag as in defeat. “Yes, Dean, I do.” It came out in a big sigh.

Dean observed her a few seconds longer, chewing the inside of his bottom lip. Telling someone you’re sorry was easy; meaning it was a whole different story. She had sounded sincere though and there was nothing written on her face that told him otherwise. But it was Jo, you never really knew with her. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

“Okay then,” was all he said and went back to devour the rest of his burger.

“So, we’re good?”

Dean swallowed the food in his mouth. “Yes, Jo, we’re good.” He even managed a small smile.

The tension was broken. Everyone sighed in relief and everything was a whole lot more relaxed after that.

\-----

By the time dinner was finished, the sun had already disappeared behind the distant horizon, leaving the sky in shades of deep purple and dark blue.

Between all of them helping to clean up the remains of the meal, the task was done reasonably fast. Afterwards, they relaxed, either sitting on the grass or in the lounge chairs lined up at the side of the pool. It was still nice outside. The blistering heat of the day slowly faded away and made room for more bearable temperatures.

“So, everything set for you guys leaving tomorrow?” Sam asked.

“Yep, all set,” Dean answered, taking a swig from his beer. He was sitting in one of the lounge chairs with Cas positioned between his legs, mirroring the way Sam and Jess were sitting. Charlie and Jo were lazily sprawled out on the grass between the two chairs, Charlie with her head resting on Jo’s belly like it was her own personal pillow.

“I hope the media is buying the information that we are leaving on Sunday,” Cas mentioned with a sigh.

“We made sure that info was top secret and hard to come by to make it more believable. Besides, you guys don’t have to worry much about the reporters since you are taking the private jet. They don’t know where you are leaving from.”

“A private jet, huh,” Jo said with a smile. “Being filthy rich and world famous sure has its perks. I’m glad I can afford my car.”

“It is not ours, it’s Crowley’s,” Cas deadpanned. “Which reminds me that I still have to talk to him.”

Dean brushed his lips against Cas’s temple in a reassuring kiss. “You can do that when we’re in Vancouver, babe.”

Sam knitted his brows together. His frown was hardly visible in the faint glow of the fairy lights that were tangled in the bushes and the trees of the garden.

“Why would you wanna talk with Dean’s agent?”

Dean felt Cas stiffening in his arms. He squeezed him a little tighter against his chest to ground him, and to give him the courage to tell the whole story. It was better their friends heard it from him rather than reading it in some newspaper.

“Because I fired Balthazar and I want Crowley to take over.”

Four pair of eyes landed on him. Dean could almost see the question marks hanging over their heads.

“I punched him,” Cas went on after taking a deep breath.

Now he really had everyone’s attention. Jo and Charlie sat up straight, looking at him with big eyes filled with a mix of surprise and admiration.

“Wait…wait…you what?” Sam said like he hadn’t heard him correctly.

Dean pressed a kiss behind Cas’s earlobe. “Tell them.”

After taking another deep breath, Cas told them what went down in his penthouse, starting with his agent showing up under false pretenses and ending with punching him in the nose. He left out the details of the actual conversation.

Jess’s cheerful voice was the first one to break the resulting silence. “Good for you, Cas. He had it coming.”

“He sure did,” Dean concurred.

“I don’t really know the man, but he sounds like a real a-hole,” Jo said.

“He is. Best stay far away from him.” Dean steered the conversation away from Balthazar after that. He knew how uncomfortable Cas was when it came to the subject of his now ex-agent.

He didn’t really know why Cas and Balthazar had broken up other than Cas saying that it just didn’t work out. At first, Dean didn’t really question it, but the more he learned about Balthazar over the years, the more he didn’t buy the amiable parting thing. Cas’s whole demeanor changed every time he talked about his agent. Something happened. What that something was, Dean didn’t know, but it was something Cas obviously tried to forget.

\-----

It was already past twelve when the party of six called it a night.

Sam got up with a groan. “I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow at two. Be ready,” he said, bending over to hug his brother and Cas.

“We will, Sammy.”

A few more hugs and kisses and words of goodbye were exchanged before their guests strolled out of the yard. Dean and Cas didn’t bother to get up from their cozy place on the lounge chair. Their friends were more than capable of finding their own way out.

Car doors were slammed and engines roared to life. The sound of gravel crunching under tires slowly faded away until the yard was wrapped in silence that was only broken by the songs of crickets.

Dean was pleased with the way the evening went. He and Jo were on speaking terms again and the media attention had died down after Sam’s press release, at least for a little while. Dean knew the whole thing would be raked up when Jo introduced Charlie to the world. Especially since Charlie was a girl. The media would probably be clamoring to find out if Dean knew about Jo’s bisexuality when they were dating.

At that very moment though, Dean was at peace. He was truly happy. He never knew how lonely and empty his life was before Cas strolled into it and turned his whole world upside down.

A warm feeling Dean had come to recognize as love settled in his stomach. It had taken him a long, long time before he acknowledged it for what it really was. He had earned a master’s degree in burying his feelings underneath a pile of dirt, hiding them from everyone, even from himself. Cas was the only person, aside from Sam, he had allowed himself to open up to. Sure, he had been terrified to do it. He had been afraid his whole world would come tumbling down leaving him hurt and devastated. 

At first, he had been deadly afraid for the other shoe to drop. Good things never came to him without a huge price to pay, not in his experience. Nothing happened though. The other shoe didn’t drop, and the more his relationship with Cas progressed, the more confident he was it never would. This was it. This was the real deal. He had taken a chance and made a leap of faith and he never regretted it. It didn’t matter what the future held.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week, Vancouver, Arthur Ketch and some smut. See you then.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead

 

Their flight to Vancouver went off without a hitch. They did encounter some fans at the airport even though they were in a secluded part to avoid the masses. These three girls were lucky enough to meet them and take some selfies, though Dean was sure they would be all over social media in a matter of minutes.

\-----

Dean hated flying with a definite passion. He sweated bullets and his anxiety made him sick to his stomach the entire three-hour flight.

Cas’s presence next to him didn’t help much. The only things that gave him some relief were the two glasses of Scotch he gulped down.

He wanted more, hell; he wanted the whole bottle. If he could drink himself stupid to survive the trip in a flying coffin, he was all for it.

Of course, Cas, always being the responsible boyfriend, didn’t allow it. Somewhere deep down, Dean was grateful for that. But damn, he would have given almost anything to be unconscious for the trip. He breathed a big sigh of relief when he had solid ground under his feet again.

“This time, I _am_ gonna write a memo,” he said to Cas as they were exiting the plane.

Cas tilted his head with a frown. “For what?”

“To make sure never to set foot in a death trap like this again. I should have stood my ground and insisted we drive here like I had planned, but, nooooooo, I let Crowley talk me out of it, again.”

“And with reason, Dean. Driving would have been very impractical.”

Dean shook his head while watching an employee unload their suitcases, making sure they were handled with care. Some handlers were known to throw the luggage around with no respect for people’s personal belongings.

“No, it wouldn’t. It’s only a twenty-hour drive, without stops. I’ve driven a lot further in the past. It would have made a nice road trip.”

He looked around and checked his watch. Wasn’t a car supposed to meet them? He turned back to Cas. “When shooting is done, I’m driving back home. You can come with me or not, your choice, and I don’t really give a shit if you do or don’t, but I am not getting on that thing again,” he pointed to the plane. He tried to sound like he didn’t care if Cas accompanied him or not but in reality he hoped and prayed that he would.

“Of course, Dean,” Cas said evenly with a frown.

Dean saw something a lot like hurt flash in his blue eyes before they turned hard as glass, boring a hole in his skull. He instantly regretted his words. Guilt coursed through his body. He was being an asshole to a man who didn’t deserve it and for what again? Right, to hide his true feelings. To hide that he wanted Cas by his side every chance he got. He forgot for a second that he didn’t have to do that anymore, not with Cas. Old habits die hard.

“I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t mean that,” he apologized with a sigh. He ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up even more than it already did.

“So, you do ‘give a shit’,” Cas said, making these ridiculous air quotes Dean found adorable.

“Yes, I do. I would love to have you next to me on our way home when I decide to drive. Which I will, make no mistake. I just meant that…,” he shrugged, “… you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Cas narrowed his eyes. “Now why wouldn’t I want to?”

Dean stared at him. He was saved from answering that question he really didn’t have an answer to by the sound of a car engine coming closer. A black Hummer with tinted windows stopped right in front of them.

“Bout time,” Dean mumbled.

A fairly good looking guy – hey, Dean had eyes – got out.

“Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in traffic,” the man said with a British accent. He stuck out his hand to them. “I’m Arthur Ketch, your personal bodyguard and driver. Welcome to Vancouver.”

They all shook hands. Dean caught him holding Cas’s hand a bit longer than necessary while he let his eyes roam over his body with a devouring glint. A slight close-lipped smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. Dean could tell it made Cas highly uncomfortable. He had to fight the urge to wrap an arm around his boyfriend’s waist to show he was off limits.

Ketch finally released Cas’s hand and moved to load their luggage in the trunk.

Dean watched him with raised eyebrows. He had developed an instant dislike for the guy.

Ketch closed the trunk with a determined thud when all the bags were loaded. “Let’s get you gentlemen to the cabin.”

“Wait a minute,” Dean said. He took a card out of the pocket of his jacket and handed it to Ketch. “Could you drop us off at that address?”

Ketch took the card and slightly brushed his fingers. Dean swore he did that on purpose.

“Is that the garage that holds your car?”

“Yes, it is.”

“That won’t be necessary. It has already been collected and waiting for you at the cabin.”

Dean blinked in disbelief. “What?” The muscles in his face tightened. “Who gave you the authority?”

“Mister Crowley did.”

“Crowley knew damn well I wanted to get her myself,” Dean yelled.

Ketch sighed. “He thought he was doing you a favor. Can we please go now?”

Dean clenched his fists. Fuming, he got into the backseat of the car and was insanely happy when Cas slid in next to him. Cas’s hand wrapped around his wrist, his thumb gently rubbing at the pulse point in a calming manner.

‘Breathe, Dean,” he said with a low, soothing voice. “It’s done, and getting angry over it isn’t gonna change that.”

Dean’s shoulders slumped. Cas was right. Didn’t mean he liked it. The ’67 Chevrolet Impala was his pride and joy. She had been his home for the greater part of his childhood. A lot of memories were stored in that car, some good and, some not so good. His dad had given her to him for his sixteenth birthday. It was probably the only nice thing John had ever done and yes, it was before he had caught him sucking the cock of the captain of the football team.

Dean had her shipped to Vancouver when Crowley had talked him out of driving. No one was allowed to drive his baby unless it was absolutely necessary, and the thought that this dick head had been behind the wheel made him want to throw up his lunch.

He leaned back and closed his eyes. It was going to be a long three months stuck with this Ketch person following them around. Of course, they could always try to ditch him from time to time. A smile started to form at that thought. It could be fun planning it. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

*

The cabin that would be their home for the next three or more months was situated in the outskirts of the city. It had a beautiful lake and was surrounded by woods.

They didn’t have to worry about reporters or fans. It was rather secluded. Only a handful of people knew it was there.

The studio had given them a choice. If they didn’t mind staying together, which they thought shouldn’t be a problem since they were friends, they could have the cabin. It had four bedrooms, each with an adjoining bathroom and was big enough to stay out of each other’s personal space. If however they wanted a place of their own, two separate condos could be arranged.

It wasn’t a hard choice to make. Of course they opted for the cabin and they had a hard time hiding their excitement at the prospect of living together for probably more than three whole months. It would be a good test. The longest they ever stayed together was a week because of their schedules. They never seemed to match, much to their frustration.

Ketch unlocked the door and let them in. He went back to the car and started to unload their luggage.

Cas lent him a hand because it was the only decent thing to do. He wasn’t some stuck up actor who thought he was too good for things like that.

Dean rolled his eyes at him but started to help as well.

As soon as their suitcases were inside, Ketch turned to them.

“The kitchen is fully stocked. If you need anything, call me and I will bring it.” He gave Cas a card with his phone number.

Cas reached out to take it but Dean was faster and snatched it out of Ketch’s hand.

“Thank you,” he said, a fake smile on his lips.

“There is fresh homemade lasagna in the fridge and pecan pie for tonight’s dinner.”

Dean’s face immediately lit up and he took off without another word.

Cas chuckled while watching him darting to the kitchen. There was nothing a good piece of pie couldn’t fix. Dean was like a four year old who was promised a disgustingly large amount of cookies.

“I’ll be here Monday morning at five, bright and early to pick you up,” Ketch drew Cas’s attention back to him. He inched a bit closer and started to trace his index finger over the muscles of Cas’s lower arm, sending ice cold shivers rolling down his spine.

“It is a shame you didn’t opt for a separate condo, if you know what I mean,” he said with a sly wink, leaning forward.

Cas froze, his face heating up. He inhaled a sharp breath and took a step back, crossing his arms over his chest. He could not believe the audacity of this man.

Ketch suddenly glanced over Cas’s shoulder. “See you guys Monday,” he said with a smirk. His eyes locked with Cas’s for a few more seconds before he left.

“Was he bothering you, babe?” Dean asked from behind him.

Cas turned to him. He sounded casual but by the way he was stabbing his pie with his fork, he was just as frustrated as he was.

“It’s fine, Dean,” he said, trying to hide the tremble in his voice. He brushed past him into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and found the lasagna.

“Look, babe, if he is harassing you I can call Crowley to…”

“I said, it is fine, Dean,” Cas cut him off with a little more determination. “I can handle him.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Dean said, stuffing the last of the pie in his mouth.

“Then drop it.” He shot Dean a look that held a warning and put the lasagna in the oven to bake.

Dean shrugged and swallowed his food. He rinsed his plate off.

“You know what I think, Cas? I think you don’t want me to ask Crowley for someone else because you actually like Ketch’s little flirtations. It boosts your ego.”

Cas’s eyes widened. His jaw almost dropped to the floor in utter disbelief. Dean’s tight lips and the sour expression on his face told him he was jealous.

It wasn’t Dean’s jealousy that made him lose his grip on the last bit of patience he had in him though. It was the accusation in Dean’s voice. He surged forward and clenched Dean’s shirt in his fist, backing him up and slamming him hard against the kitchen counter.

“Are you serious, Dean?” he growled. Their mouths were so close their breath mingled and

Dean’s pupils dilated until they almost entirely covered the green of his eyes. “I despise that man,” he went on, his lips almost touching Dean’s. “Why do you have so little faith in my love for you?”

Dean swallowed hard. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because everyone I ever allow myself to care about leaves me sooner or later.”

“Have you ever considered the possibility that you are the one who pushes people away with your actions?” Cas looked deep into his boyfriend’s lust blown eyes that were filled with both fear and desire.

When Dean spoke again, he sounded hoarse and pleading. “Don’t leave me, Cas.” He swallowed a sob.

“Not a chance, Dean. You are stuck with me.”

“Prove it.”

Cas did just that. He slammed his mouth on Dean’s, sucking and biting his lower lip until the iron taste of blood exploded on his tongue.

*

Dean was so turned on being manhandled, he almost came in his pants. He rubbed his erection against the thigh Cas pushed between his legs.

Suddenly, a vision of Ketch’s fingers trailing over Cas’s arm and the predatory look in his eyes, swam through Dean’s mind. His anger flared up. He turned the tables on Cas, twisting until his boyfriend was the one pushed against the kitchen counter.

He buried his hands in Cas’s hair, fisting the dark brown strands in what had to be an almost painful grip and roughly pulled his head back to get better access to his neck.

“Let’s show that bastard who exactly you belong to,” he growled possessively, starting to bite and suck bruises in the tender flesh, marking him up.

“Dean, the make-up artist isn’t gonna be happy,…” Cas shivered from the rough, sweet assault on his neck.

“I don’t care about the damn make-up artist,” Dean interrupted him. “She’ll cover it up, that’s her job.” He soothed the bite marks with his tongue.

He moved his hands to Cas’s pants, unbuckling the belt and opening his jeans with swift yet slightly unsteady fingers. He pushed both his pants and boxer briefs down mid-thigh.

Cas’s erect cock bobbed free, hard and beautiful, precome glistening at the top.

Dean smiled at the sight. He grabbed him and smeared the fluid out over the head with his thumb.

He looked back up at Cas, his beautiful face flushed and his lips swollen and red. He dove back in, reconnecting their mouths in a hard, passionate kiss.

Cas bucked his hips forward, fucking into Dean’s hand. Dean swallowed his whine when he released his cock and moved his hand to Cas’s hips to turn him around.

He quickly unbuttoned his own jeans and shoved them down with his boxers, freeing his weeping cock.

“Damn it, Dean. What are you waiting for.” Cas’s voice sounded even more like ten-year-old whiskey when it was filled with such desire.

Dean sank to his knees and cupped Cas’s ass cheeks, pulling them apart. He tenderly let his tongue slide over his hole in one long stripe before pushing it past the muscles of his rim, spearing him. He felt Cas shivering underneath his hands while he pushed his tongue in and out, playful and teasing.

A whine spilled from Cas mouth when Dean stopped the ministrations of his hole.

“Hang on babe,” Dean shushed him, rubbing a hand up and down Cas’s back. “I need some lube.” He looked around.

“It is still in the bags, use olive oil.” Cas nodded his head to the bottle sitting on the counter.

Dean felt his eyebrows shoot up.

“Babe,…”

“Dean, I swear to God and every deity out there that I’m gonna explode if you don’t get a move on,” Cas growled.

“Okay, okay.” Dean took the bottle and poured a great amount of the greasy fluid over his fingers, spilling some of it on both his and Cas’s clothes. Carefully he pushed a finger inside Cas, surprised at how smooth the digit slid in.

\-----

A lot of olive oil and three fingers later, Dean had reduced Cas to a squirming mess, creating the most beautiful noises from his mouth by rubbing his prostate every so often. Finally he replaced his fingers with his greased-up cock. In one smooth motion, he slid home, holding his breath and concentrating on not coming instantly.

“You always feel so good around me,” Dean groaned, relishing the feel of Cas’s hot, wet heat surrounding him. He draped himself over his boyfriend. “You are mine,” he whispered in his ear with loving possession before straightening back up and setting a steady rhythm.

The almost obscene sounds of flesh slapping against flesh and the joined moans of pleasure were the only things heard in the cabin until Dean changed his angle and Cas cried out.

“Yes, yes, Dean, right,…right there.”

Dean picked up the pace, making sure to hit Cas’s sweet spot with every thrust until he was begging.

“You gonna come for me babe?”

“Yes, Dean,…oh God,… _please_.”

Dean reached around and took Cas’s cock, slick with precome. He started tugging it in time with his thrusts.

Cas screamed Dean’s name while he spilled his release warm over Dean’s hand and the kitchen cupboards underneath the marble counter.

Dean felt Cas clench around his cock. It was enough to send him over the edge as well. He came with a loud long groan, riding them through their orgasms until there was nothing left to spill.

Dean collapsed on Cas’s back, pressing his lips against his neck just underneath the hairline wet with sweat.

“You are amazing, babe,” he murmured totally blissed out.

“You are not bad yourself, Dean,” Cas panted in response. He turned his head in a somewhat awkward angle and Dean captured his lips in a slow, post orgasm kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. See you next Thursday.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's dropping by...

 

The days on set were long and exhausting. Sometimes they filmed until the early hours of the morning and they barely had enough energy left to brush their teeth, slip into their pajamas and collapse onto the bed when they got home.

But it was also a whole lot of fun. Pranks were played and jokes were made, which always resulted in a whole lot of laughter on both ends. Dean couldn’t remember the last time the cast and crew of a movie had become so close. He would miss them all when it was over.

Ketch still had that predatory look in his eyes every time he looked at Cas. It made Dean want to strangle the guy with his bare hands, especially because he knew it made Cas feel very uncomfortable. The times he wanted to call Crowley to have him replaced were too much to count on the fingers of one hand. At least they managed to avoid him most of the time.

A week into shooting, Dean had announced he and Cas would drive to the set themselves. Needless to say Crowley hadn’t been very happy, but Dean had stood his ground.

On their few days off, they stayed in bed, having lazy sex, and making up for the times they were too tired to even think about it. Or they took the Impala and just started driving without telling their bodyguard like they were supposed to. They didn’t want him around for obvious reasons.

Sometimes an excited fan spotted them at a diner, relaxing and enjoying a good burger. Dean and Cas let the fan take their picture, but always asked them to wait until they were gone before posting it on the internet to avoid the place swarming with reporters and other excited fans. Usually it wasn’t a problem. The fan in question considered themselves lucky enough to have their picture taken with them.

\-----

They had a few days off at Halloween and a whole week at Thanksgiving. A lot of the cast and crew members didn’t live in the area, and went home to spend the holiday with their family.

Since Dean hated flying, they invited their friends and family over to the cabin.

Charlie and Jo were the first to arrive two days prior Thanksgiving, followed by Sam and a very pregnant Jess the next day.

Cas’s siblings, the only family he had left, were also invited. His younger sister, Anna, showed up excusing their older brother Gabriel. He had to cancel last minute due to an emergency. Dean wouldn’t be surprised if that so-called ‘emergency’ involved a few hot women in the guy’s bed. He didn’t buy the story that it had something to do with his very successful bakery in New York, one bit. Cas agreed with that.

Just like everyone else in their close circle of family and friends, Gabe and Anna knew about Cas and Dean dating each other.

\-----

They sat in the huge living room, playing a game of ‘truth or dare’ like a bunch of high school kids. Multiple beer bottles, sodas  and bowls of snacks were spread out on the glass coffee table. Their cheerful laughter was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell blaring through the cabin.

“You expecting someone Dean?” Charlie asked, popping a peanut in her mouth.

“No, not exactly,” Dean said with a line between his brows. He pushed himself up from where he was sitting on the floor between Cas’s legs. Wondering who this surprise visitor could possibly be, he darted to the front door.

His eyes went big when he found Bobby standing on his doorstep. For a moment he was at a loss for words. Then he broke into a wide grin.

“Could you idjits stay any more secluded? ” Bobby said gruffly, brows bumped together in a scowl, but Dean could see the glint of love and amusement in his eyes. “I drove for goddamn hours finding this place. Not to mention that stupid rental and all that modern shit they put in cars these days.”

Dean still hadn’t found his voice again. He was just standing there, staring at Bobby like he was a ghost, while grinning like an idiot.

“What’s the matter, boy, lost your tongue?”

Dean swore he heard a quiver in his voice. He shook his head and pulled the older man into a hug, trying his best to push back the sting of tears forming in his eyes. He considered Bobby like an uncle.

“Why didn’t you call me for directions when you were lost, Bobby,” Dean finally said.

“And ruin the surprise?” Bobby’s eyebrows shot up. “Besides, I brought a guest.”

“Oh?” Dean was surprised. He blinked a few times and then winked. “I didn’t know you were dating.”

“I’m not exactly a date, son.” The familiar voice made Dean’s blood run cold. John stepped out of the shadows and into the porch light.

Dean froze. All the muscles in his face tightened. He took a step back, trying to control the emotions bubbling up inside of him. Fear, anger, hurt, they were all battling to be Dean’s priority. Anger won. He clenched his jaw and turned to Bobby, shooting him an accusatory look.

“What is he doing here?” he asked through gritted teeth. He could not believe that this man, who he trusted with his life, betrayed him by bringing his _dad_ , of all people.

“Now you listen to me, boy,” Bobby said in a tone of voice that wouldn’t tolerate any contradictions. “It is high time you two idjits talk it out like the adults that you are. Sam,…”

“Sam?” Dean cut him off. “Sam is in on this?” He didn’t wait for an answer. The expression of guilt on Bobby’s face told him enough.

He turned around and stormed off, feet hammering the wooden floor. He should have known his brother cooked the whole thing up. Sam, always the mediator.

“Sam, kitchen, now! he boomed while crossing the living room with big steps.

He heard his brother jump up and mumble some excuse to the others and then follow him.

In the big kitchen, Dean turned to Sam as soon as he heard the door shut.

“What the hell, Sam,” he yelled, voice low, laced with anger.

“Dean, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I have every right to be upset. Bringing dad here? What the hell were you thinking?” He took a breath; he needed to breathe. He wasn’t just angry, he was absolutely livid and it consumed him. It tore him apart at the very seams.

“He wanted to apologize to you in person.”

Dean huffed a humorless, sarcastic laugh. “Right, right, and so you came up with the brilliant idea of inviting him here without even telling me or asking me about it?”

Sam looked down and away. “If I asked you first you would’ve said no.”

“Damn straight I would have.” Dean took a step closer, pointing a finger at his brother. “You just ruined Thanksgiving.”

“Dean…” Sam sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Will you listen to me for a second?”

Dean leaned against the counter, arms folded and his ankles crossed. “Go ahead. “He would let his brother speak, but he highly doubted whatever he said would justify his father being here.

A glitter of surprise flashed in Sam’s eyes. “So, I talked to dad on the phone several times during the past few months and, Dean, he really is sorry for the things he said to you.”

Dean narrowed his eyes at his brother. “Did he tell you what he said?”

Sam shook his head. “No, but it doesn’t take a genius to know it wasn’t pretty.”

“Ha!” Dean pushed himself from the counter. He paced the kitchen, his hands going through his spiked hair. “It was downright ugly, Sam. For the first time in my life I stood up to that man and it was goddamn terrifying. And now you want me to mend fences with him?”

“Standing up to him doesn’t mean you can’t be civil, Dean. It doesn’t mean you have to cut him out of your life.”

Closing his eyes, Dean shook his head.  He heaved a deep sigh. The initial anger slowly seeped from his body leaving him exhausted and empty. If he didn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving for his friends, he needed to talk to John. It was either that or throw the man out and that was something Dean would never do. They were in the middle of nowhere on the eve of a family holiday. Dean wouldn’t be surprised if that was one of the reasons Sam let John show up.

“Fine. Tell him to come to the kitchen,” he finally succumbed, not because he wanted to, but because he owed it to his friends to have a relaxed Thanksgiving meal without an awkward tension hanging in the air.

Dean sat himself down at the large kitchen table, waiting for his father. He put his elbows on the surface and rubbed his face a few times before sliding his hands up over his head and ending at the back of his neck where he laced his fingers together. He leaned back in the chair and looked up at the ceiling.

The chaos of emotions raging inside of him, tightened his stomach in knots. The confrontation with his dad was not his choice, and he didn’t know if he was ready to face John without crumbling into dust.

He took a few deep breaths to relax, but he couldn’t seem to get enough air in his lungs.

The noise of someone entering the kitchen made him look up. He tried to school a deadpan expression when he saw his father.

John gestured at the chair opposite him as if asking permission to sit down.

Dean answered with a simple nod. He warily eyed his father while he pulled back the chair. The scraping noise of the legs on the wooden floorboards made Dean cringe. It sounded way too loud in his ears.

A few moments of tense silence settled between them.

John was the first one to break it. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry for what I said on the phone. I was just…I was angry that I had to hear about the split via the news.”

Dean blinked, trying to maintain his deadpan expression, but he couldn’t help some emotions showing through.

“And instead of calling me to ask how I was doing, how I was handling it and be supportive for once in your life, you called me to yell at me and put all the blame on me,” Dean said, choked with anger and struggling to keep from shouting.

John closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” He sighed and put his hands on the table, his palms facing upwards. “It is all I can do. If I could go back in time and take back those words, I would.”

“What about all those other times you yelled at me for no reason, dad?  Or all the times you showed up at my doorstep, telling me how I put you to shame by accepting a role you didn’t agree with. What about the time you beat me bloody 22 years ago. Are you sorry for that too?” Dean’s voice grew louder by the minute. Tears of rage and fury were burning behind his eyes. He refused to let them fall. He wouldn’t give his father the satisfaction of seeing them.

“I will always regret that beating, Dean.” Johns voice was soft. “It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I’m not very proud of it.” He shook his head, his eyes fixed on his hands. “I can only apologize for everything.” He looked up, straight into Deans eyes.

 Dean saw his father meant what he said. He was truly sorry, but that didn’t mean he could just forget or forgive him. He pushed his chair back and stood up.

“Too little too late, don’t you think, dad?” he said.

“What else can I do but apologize, Dean? Like I said, if there was a way to go back in time and do it all over again, I would.”

“You can start by letting me live my own life without judging me, by respecting my choices even when you don’t agree with them, and by just being a father. If you can do that, then maybe there still is a chance for us and maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the line I will be able to forgive you.” Dean took a shaky breath. “But I can already tell you here and now that I won’t forget.”

John nodded and when he looked at Dean again, Dean could see he was grateful for the second chance he was given.

\-----

Dean and Cas had decided on two separate bedrooms when they moved in but only to keep up appearances. The cleaning lady came by twice a week and Ketch often did the grocery shopping. Dean still didn’t trust him. He wouldn’t put it past him to snoop around.

Of course, Dean never used his room. He only kept his clothes and some of his personal belongings there. It was all just for show.

When the sleeping arrangements were discussed, he was glad he didn’t have to hastily set up a room with the illusion it was slept in. He told Bobby and his father they could have his room and he would bunk with Cas. He made sure to point out he didn’t mind sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He and his father might have taken the first steps on the long road to reconciliation, but the man probably wasn’t ready to hear his son was officially dating a guy, let alone sleeping with him in the same bed.

“Where is Anna gonna sleep then?” John asked with his eyebrows knitted together in a frown.

“I take the pull-out couch,” Anna answered with an equal frown, like it was obvious.

John looked at Dean. “That isn’t very logical.”

Dean had a hard time not looking too horrified. He had hoped his father wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Apparently John had.

“Why can’t Anna sleep with her brother and you take the pull-out couch? That way no one has to sleep on the floor.”

Dean was afraid this would happen. He wracked his brain, trying to come up with a good answer, but he was saved by Anna. “There is no way I’m gonna sleep with my brother. He snores and he always steals the covers. No thank you.”

Dean quickly glanced over at Cas who rolled his eyes but kept his mouth shut.

John thought about Anna’s words, then he shrugged and nodded. “Makes sense.” He placed his hands on his thighs and pushed himself up from the couch. “I’m gonna turn in.” He looked Dean in the eyes. “Thank you, son, for having me here.”

“Sure, dad,” Dean said. He watched him leave the room after he said his goodnights.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when he was gone. The tension that had hung in the air slowly faded to normal proportions.

Dean shooed everyone from the couch so he could pull it out and turn it into Anna’s bed with Cas’s help.

Charlie and Jo cleaned up the empty soda glasses, beer bottles and snack bowls before going to their room.

A little after midnight, the last noises of showers and occasional cheerful laughter faded into nothingness. Soon the cabin was drenched in silence.

Dean’s last thoughts before he drifted off curled around Cas, were of his dad and their talk. Maybe, just maybe this was the beginning of the healing of old wounds. One could only hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Thursday. Leave a comment, they keep me going.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments guys :)

 

Cas didn’t know exactly what woke him up. He was sure it wasn’t a dream or a nightmare.

He looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. The red illuminated numbers told him it was 2.28 in the morning. Was it really only that early?

He closed his eyes again, trying to get some more sleep, while sliding backwards. He scooted closer to Dean, who was still tangled around him, his right arm heavily slung around his waist. In his sleep, Dean tightened his grip and pulled Cas flush against his chest.

Cas’s mouth curled into a faint smile, but no matter how comfortable he was, sleep still refused to pay him a visit. He finally rolled over, facing the man he was fortunate to call his boyfriend. The light of the full moon pouring through a crack in the curtains, carelessly fell on Dean’s face and almost gave his features an ethereal glow.

Cas savored Dean’s beautiful, innocent look for a few moments. The freckles splattered across the bridge of his nose, the long lashes casting shadows on his cheeks, the full lips of his slightly open mouth. Cas gently traced them with his finger.

Dean moaned softly but the touch was too light to wake him up.

The sigh that spilled from Cas’s lips was heavy and sad. Years and years of psychological abuse at the hands of the man he called his father had filled Dean’s heart with fear, self-hatred and a lack of self-worth.

The more Cas came to know Dean after that first meeting all those years ago, the more he had realized that he was broken. Yet, he had allowed himself to fall in love because he was able to see Dean’s true self through all the shattered pieces that clouded his truly generous soul. He had managed to tear down the defense walls Dean had built around himself and there he had found a man who genuinely cared for the people he called his friends and who was capable of passionately loving someone. Despite of what he let other people believe, Dean was also very romantic.

The room slowly darkened, casting Dean’s face in shadows. It was probably getting cloudy outside, preventing the moonlight from pouring in.

Deciding he wasn’t going to fall asleep, he got out of bed. He threw on his thick grey robe over his boxers and put his slippers on. He shivered. Jesus, it was cold.

As silently as he could, he went down the stairs, snuck past his sleeping sister and padded to the kitchen. He was startled when he found it brightly lit. Bobby sat at the table, his hands around a mug as if he was trying to warm them.

Bobby looked up and met his eyes. Cas acknowledged him with a small nod.

Cas took his favorite mug from the kitchen cabinet, poured some milk and put it in the microwave for a minute and a half. He thrummed his fingers on the marble counter while he waited, looking at the seconds as they counted down.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Bobby’s gruff voice suddenly broke the silence.

The microwave beeped. Cas waited a few more seconds before taking the mug out. He stirred the drink and tested if it was warm enough. He then put a spoonful of honey in it and stirred again. Finally, he turned around. He pulled a chair back and sat down at the table across from Bobby.

“Yes,” he answered Bobby’s earlier question. He took a careful sip and almost burned his upper lip.

“So, you and Dean. You together?”

Cas was glad he hadn’t taken another sip because he probably would have choked on it. His eyes widened and he stared at Bobby, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He quickly looked down again. The milk in his mug looked very interesting all of a sudden.

“I…ehm…don’t…”

“Don’t play dumb with me boy,” Bobby interrupted him. “I may be old but my eyes are still good. You think I didn’t notice?”

Cas was at a loss for words. He had never met the man before last evening, but Dean always spoke very fondly of him. He had told Cas, Bobby had been more of a father to him and Sam than John had ever been. Yes, he was a little rough around the edges, but he had a heart of gold.

Cas decided he could trust Dean’s judgement and looked up again, straight into Bobby’s scrutinizing gaze. “Would it bother you?”

“Hell no,” Bobby said. Cas could see the truth in his eyes. “I want that boy to be happy and if you make him happy, you’re good enough in my books.” He pushed his chair back and stood up, finishing whatever was in his mug. If the faint smell was anything to go by, it was probably some kind of booze.

Cas listened while he rinsed the mug and put it in the sink. A hand on his shoulder startled him and he looked up. “You treat him right now,” Bobby said. “And don’t take any bullshit from him.”

“I will, and I won’t. Thank you,” Cas nodded.

Bobby mumbled something Cas couldn’t quite make out and left the kitchen.

Left with only the soft ticking of the clock to accompany him, Cas let his mind drift. If Bobby had noticed, did that mean John had noticed too? He sighed. He thought not, but he couldn’t be sure.

Cas had been horrified when John entered the living room earlier. It had been Jessica, bless her kind soul, who had saved the awkward situation by introducing Bobby and John, and then making light conversation.

After attempting to be as polite as he could and shaking both man’s hands, he’d excused himself. He had escaped to the bathroom where he tried to control the anger whirling inside of him, swearing under his breath and silently cursing Sam for doing this. It was obvious from Dean’s actions that Sam had come up with the plan of inviting their father.  Sam was a good man. He always tried to do the right thing, but damn it, he could have warned them.

Coming out of the bathroom with what he hoped was a blank expression, showing no emotions whatsoever, he’d seen Sam was back in the living room. John and Dean were in the kitchen working things out, or at least that’s what he hoped.

Dean and his father seemed to have made their peace by the time they came back out. Dean had introduced John and Bobby again properly but, other than when Anna had saved the day by saying she would rather sleep on the pull-out couch than with her brother, he had avoided Cas’s eyes for the rest of the evening.

Cas huffed a soft laugh. Dear Anna. He was glad she had come. She and Gabriel were the only family he had left. Their mom had died in a horrible car accident caused by a drunk driver, leaving their dad devastated.

It was a painful memory that still brought tears to Cas’s eyes. His beautiful mom, lying there, still, in that big hospital bed, paler than the sheets covering her and surrounded by beeping machines. He had taken her hand, cold, like ice and he had begged her to please wake up.

He didn’t know how long he sat there with his sister and brother, listening to the endless beeps and the breathing machine putting air into his mom’s lungs, before their dad told them it was time to go. They said their last goodbyes because they had known it was the last time they would see her alive. She died that night.

A single tear rolled down Cas’s cheek. He brushed it away with the back of his hand and shrugged off the memory. He abruptly stood up with the mug, downing  the last of his lukewarm milk, and went over to the sink.

His father had never been the same again, and yet he did the best he could for his three children. It was when they all had graduated from college and were living independently, that he had given up. He lost the will to live and followed their mother to whatever came after this life.

Cas rinsed off the mug and put it down, then pushed back the curtain covering the window above the sink. With the darkness outside and the brightly lit kitchen behind him, he only saw his own reflection staring back and…was that what he thought it was? A smile suddenly curved his lips. He let the curtain fall back and went to the back door. He unlocked it and stepped onto the porch, shivering when the cold night air hit him. The motion sensors made the lights in the back-yard flash on, bathing the surroundings in a dim orange glow.

His smile grew wider. It was snowing. Peaceful and quiet thousands of snowflakes came whirling down, patiently weaving a thin carpet on the frozen ground. At this rate, everything would be covered with a thick blanket of snow in a few hours.

Despite the freezing cold, Cas enjoyed the beauty of it a few moments longer. Suddenly a prickling sensation at the back of his neck made all the hairs on his arms stand up. A shiver ran down his spine, and this time it wasn’t from the cold. Movement out of the corner of his eye made him turn his head. He carefully stepped down the stairs to investigate. The thin layer of snow made a crunching sound underneath the soles of his slippers. His breath was shallow and his whole body was tense as he tried to listen for anything out of the ordinary. There was nothing.

Cas sighed. It must have been his imagination. He let out a breath of relief and then a soft laugh at his own paranoia. He was so caught up in everything that he didn’t hear someone sneaking up behind him.

*

Cas’s startled cry pierced the silent night when Dean wrapped his arms around his waist. He spun around and his fist hit Dean across the cheek.

“Jesus Christ, Cas. What the hell?” Dean yelled stumbling back and falling on his ass in the snow. He looked up at Cas, who stood there, frozen in place. His perplexed expression soon turned into one of worry and regret.

“Oh my God, Dean, I’m so, so sorry.” Cas ran over and crouched down in front of him. “Are you all right?”

Dean shot him what he hoped was a death glare. “What do you think?” He rubbed the painful spot where Cas’s fist had hit him. Jesus, Cas’s right hook was a force to be reckoned with. He was starting to understand what Balthazar must have felt like when Cas punched him in the nose.

Dean allowed Cas take him by the arm to help him to his feet. Even in the dim light of the garden, he could see the regret flashing in Cas’s eyes.

“I really am sorry, Dean,” he said, his gruff voice full of horror.

“Yeah, well, I need to put some ice on this,” Dean mumbled, still pretty pissed. He turned around and went back inside with Cas on his heels.

In the kitchen Dean found a pack of frozen peas in the freezer and decided it would do as an icepack. He pressed it against his eye socket and dropped onto a chair. He looked at Cas, who had taken a seat next to him, his blue eyes still full of remorse.

“What were you doing out there?” Dean asked. He winced. Damn it, it hurt. At least the ice numbed the pain a bit and would hopefully stop it from swelling.

“I…uh…I thought I heard something suspicious. So when you grabbed me I just reacted.” Cas bowed his head. “I’m sorry.”

Dean waved his hand. “It’s okay. It is not like you knew what you were doing. I get it. Your senses were on high alert. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

Dean took the frozen peas off his eye for a second to give Cas a bitchface that would probably make all of Sam’s bitchfaces green with envy. “Thank you very much for agreeing with me that easily. Next time I will carry a bell to announce my presence.” He pressed the half-thawed  pack back to his eye socket. A small stream of water ran down his arm and tiny droplets dripped from his elbow to his thigh.

Cas jumped up to get a towel. He took the pack from Dean and threw it in the sink before gently wiping the water from Dean’s arm. He inched closer to take a better look at the eye and the tender flesh around it. “It is going to bruise.”

Dean rolled his eyes and damn it, he shouldn’t have done that. It stung and throbbed at the same time. “No shit, genius.”

“Dean, I’m…”

“I swear to God, Cas, if you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m gonna scream,” Dean snapped. “Just, leave it, okay?”

Cas squinted at him. “Fine,” he snapped back, followed by a softer, “I’m going back to bed.” He turned and left, not once looking over his shoulder to see if Dean was following.

Dean sighed. He was probably too hard on Cas. But damn it, the guy did hit him. Not intentionally of course. Cas would never do that, he was willing to bet his life on it. Still, he took a blow. It hurt and that made him cranky.

Dean pushed back the chair and stood up. He checked the back door to make sure it was locked before leaving the kitchen, turning out the lights as he went.

In their bedroom, Dean found Cas already deep under the covers. He was laying with his back to Dean’s side of the bed, obviously pouting.

A faint smile formed on Dean’s lips. Cas left a light on so he didn’t have to stumble through the semi-darkness. He shrugged off the robe and crawled under the covers. After turning out the beside lamp, he slid close to Cas and slung an arm around his waist, pulling him close to his chest. He pressed his lips against the back of Cas’s neck. “It’s okay, babe. I’m not angry, just a bit cranky.”

Cas turned around. Their mouths were so close together their breath mingled.

Dean reached out and ran one finger over Cas’s cheek. He loved the scratch of Cas’s stubble underneath the tip of the digit.

“What are you going to tell the others about how you got that black eye?” Cas asked. “Will you tell them I hit you?”

A pang of sympathy struck Dean in the heart at the worried tone in Cas’s voice. He gently continued to trace over his jawline. “It was an accident, babe. They’ll understand.”

Cas shrugged. Even in the twilight of the room, Dean could see the doubt in his eyes. “Can’t you just tell them you ran into a door?”

The movement of Dean’s finger running tenderly over Cas’s face froze. He looked at him as if he had just lost his mind or something. “Seriously, Cas?” Dean huffed out a laugh. “That is the oldest cliché in the book to justify a black eye.”

Cas’s lips thinned. “Doesn’t mean it can’t be true. I honest to God ran into a door when I was in college.”

“You really don’t want them to know you hit me, do you?” The journey of his finger ended on Cas’s chin. He tapped it a few times before pulling away.

“I just don’t want them to get the wrong idea.”

Dean didn’t understand. Why would their friends get the wrong idea? The realization of what Cas meant hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t their friends he was worried about, it was John. Suddenly saying he ran into a door didn’t sound like such a bad idea anymore.

“Oh, Cas,” Dean breathed out. He inched closer and captured his lips in a reassuring kiss. “Don’t worry about it. I will think of something.”

Cas nodded. “Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Dean kissed him again. “Go to sleep.”

Cas turned on his other side, playing the little spoon. Dean was more than happy to curl around him, holding him through the rest of the night until the grim light of dawn came peeking in through a crack in the curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week. Remember, leave a comment, they keep me going :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for smut, and smut, and fluff. Enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Thanksgiving went way better than Cas had expected with John present. He didn’t know what exactly Dean and his father had talked about – Cas was sure Dean would tell him when everyone left – but they were on speaking terms again. Not that they really talked to each other anyway. What idle conversation they did have, always had a polite edge to it, like talking to a stranger and keeping things civil.

Cas had a hard time keeping his nerves at bay. One inappropriate comment or snarky remark from John and the whole family holiday would have been shot to hell. Add that to the fact he and Dean had to dance around each other like they were friends instead of lovers, and you had a pretty explosive situation. Not that they haven’t had any experience with that – they pretended all the time in front of the media – but keeping their love hidden from John was a whole different ballgame. They couldn’t touch each other, couldn’t even so much as _look_ at each other under John’s watchful eye, and it was slowly killing Cas inside. Dean’s knee pressing against his under the table at dinner, was the only touch they indulged in. It wasn’t much, but it was something. It grounded Cas.

Of course Dean’s black eye didn’t go unnoticed. How could it? The dark purple bruise looked bad. Wide eyes and surprised gasps were the two most common reactions when their friends saw him and asked what the hell happened.

Cas couldn’t help his face heating up in every shade of red when Dean explained how he woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss, didn’t bother to turn on the light, and ran into the bathroom door because he couldn’t see where the fuck he was going. It sounded plausible except for the small fact their room was never completely dark at night. But, hey, their friends didn’t know that, right?

Cas noticed a small flicker of disbelief in Dean’s green eyes when their friends bought the story without question. A smug smile appeared on Dean’s lips. He glanced at Cas from across the room and their eyes locked for a few seconds. Cas quickly broke the stare. If his eyes mirrored what he saw in Dean’s, they would be in big trouble if John happened to catch it. Lucky for them, he didn’t notice, but damn it, they had to be more careful.

So, yeah, Thanksgiving didn’t turn into a complete disaster. He and Dean had made a dinner that received a lot of compliments and afterwards everyone helped clean up.

Cas was immensely glad when they could retire to their room. He and Dean silently went through the routine of brushing their teeth and changing into their pajama pants and t-shirts. As soon as they crawled under the covers, Cas found himself on top of Dean before his brain caught up with what his body was doing. He braced each side of Dean’s head and hungrily attacked his lips.

The reaction was immediate. Dean opened his mouth and greedily welcomed Cas’s tongue inside. He kissed Cas back like he was starving for it.

“God, I needed this,” Cas panted when he broke the kiss to get some air. He stared into Dean’s eyes. Even in the dim light of the room he could see they were blown wide with lust and desire.

“So did I,” Dean said, voice gruff and his breathing fast. He placed his hand at the back of Cas’s neck and pulled him in for another heated kiss.

Cas started to harden in his pants. He dragged his clothed cock over Dean’s and noticed the guy was as hard as he was.

Dean snapped his hips up, urging Cas to keep going. They found a steady rhythm, reveling in the sweet, delicious friction.

Their movements became more erratic with every passing second, and they traded sloppy kisses to muffle the moans slipping from their lips. They weren’t exactly silent lovers.

Cas watched Dean as he drove them closer and closer to the edge. In awe, he took in every emotion that slid over his beautiful face. He knew the exact moment Dean let go and he crashed his mouth to Dean’s lips to swallow his cry when he made the jump into the deep. A few thrusts later, Cas dove right after him. Warm liquid pooled in his pants. He muted his own cry of ecstasy against Dean’s shoulder. The muscles in his arms turned to rubber and Cas let himself fall onto Dean’s chest.

They laid in silence for a while, trying to catch their breaths. Dean’s heartbeat thrumming against Cas’s ribs and his hands roaming over Cas’s back, almost lulled Cas to sleep.

“As much as I like this, babe, you’re getting pretty heavy here,” Dean whispered.

“Mmmmmm.” Cas pressed a soft kiss against the side of Dean’s neck before rolling off  him. With a silent thump, he let himself fall on his back on the mattress. The scent of sex hung heavy in the room. “We need to open a window,’ he mumbled.

Dean looked at him like he was crazy. “It is freezing outside.”

“Yeah, well, it smells like sex in here Dean.” Cas got up from the bed with a groan and padded to the bathroom to clean himself up. The wetness in his pants was uncomfortable.

Dean followed him. “It doesn’t bother me and it is not like someone is gonna come busting in here.” He shrugged off his pajama pants and threw them in the hamper on top of Cas’s. Cas raised his eyebrows when Dean also pulled off his t-shirt. He hesitated a few seconds and then did the same. His t-shirt was damp with sweat, anyway.

A chuckle from Dean made him look up. “What?” His eyes slid up and down Dean’s naked body while he unconsciously wetted his lips.

“Dry humping, Cas? Really?”

Cas shrugged and turned his attention back to his washcloth. He rinsed it off and wrung it out. “I don’t hear you complaining.”

“Oh, I’m not complaining, babe. I was just thinking we did things backwards.”

Cas tilted his head and regarded him with narrow eyes. What on earth was he talking about? He must have somehow missed half the conversation.

“Traditionally people are naked having sex and get dressed afterwards,” Dean explained. “We just had sex with our clothes on and got naked afterwards.” He dropped the towel he dried himself off with on the floor, and stepped forward to wrap his arms around Cas’s waist. He tugged him closer until their naked bodies met.

“Who ever said we are a traditional couple, Dean?”

“You’re right, we’re not.” Dean rolled his hips, pressing their limp cocks together. He looked at Cas through his long lashes. “You up for round two?”

Cas raised an eyebrow. He knew Dean was merely teasing. With how loud they were, it wasn’t a good idea to engage in any more sexual activities with all the guests, and especially John, sleeping over. The dry humping had already been pushing it.

“Save your strength for when our guests are gone, Dean. You’ll need it,” Cas said, voice dangerously low. The tone was meant to spark Dean’s curiosity and held a warning.

“Yeah?”

Cas inched closer until their lips almost touched. “Oh yes. Because you see,” he kissed the corner of Dean’s mouth, “I am going to take you apart,” he moved further up, his lips ghosting over Dean’s jawline, “piece by wonderful piece until you _beg_ me for release.” He took Dean’s earlobe between his teeth and tugged him flush against his body, rocking his hips. “And I’m not sure yet if I’ll give it to you.”

He backed away to look into Dean’s eyes. The desire hiding there was obvious. He glanced down and noticed Dean was already half hard again. A smug smile graced Cas’s mouth. Good, Dean shouldn’t have teased him with the offer of something he couldn’t give.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Cas said as if he hadn’t just aroused his boyfriend speechless. He turned and walked into the bedroom, leaving Dean in the bathroom, audibly gasping for breath.

*

Dean sighed a breath of relief when John and Bobby left on Friday after breakfast. Tip-toeing around Cas and watching his words so he wouldn’t say something stupid that could accidentally reveal his true feelings in front of his dad, had left Dean drained. He was exhausted.

There had been a moment, during dinner, when his knee brushed Cas’s under the table, that he just wanted to blurt it out and be done with it. Finally he decided to keep his mouth shut. His friends would get caught in the crossfire and their holiday would be ruined. They didn’t deserve that. Besides, this was something he needed to discuss with his father without anyone else present.

Charlie, Jo, and Anna went home on Saturday. Sam and Jess stayed until Sunday. It wasn’t until the taillights of his brother’s rental disappeared from view that Cas dragged Dean to the bedroom and made good on what he had promised. Apart from the dry humping, they hadn’t had sex in almost a week and boy was Dean starving for it.

An hour, a goddam hour, or maybe it was even more, Dean lost track of time, Cas teased him. He sucked his cock and licked his hole until Dean was on the brink, only to be denied.

Dean swore the blood rushing through his veins had been replaced by liquid fire. Jolts of electricity sparked his nerve endings at every touch of Cas’s hot mouth and tongue. He trembled like he was cold but his body was burning hot. A sheen of sweat covered his oversensitive skin. He couldn’t think, let alone form a coherent sentence while riding the waves of pleasure. Dean was gone, shattered, taken apart like Cas had promised and he was so desperate to come.

They’d played this teasing game before, but it had never been so intense. It was sweet torture that left Dean squirming, begging, pleading, and honest to God _crying_ real tears when Cas backed off once again as he was about to orgasm. The bastard even avoided his prostate while opening him up. He bucked his hips, fucking Cas’s fingers, trying to change the angle and failing miserably because Cas knew what he was doing.

 _“Please, Cas, please, please,…pleaaaassseeeee, I just, I can’t,…”_ Dean was at the end of his rope. He couldn’t take anymore. He was sure he would die if he was denied release one more time.

Dean welcomed the initial burn of Cas’s cock pushing inside and filling him up, slowly sliding home. Cas held still and then started moving, almost immediately changing the angle and finally, _finally_ , hitting the bundle of nerves that gave Dean so much pleasure. A moan formed at the back of his throat and rolled from his lips. His orgasm hit him by surprise. Stars went supernova behind his eyes and he almost blacked out. He’d never screamed Cas’s name so loud when he came, and he would deny he had until the day he died.

Spurt after spurt of white pulsed out of his cock, pooling warm on his belly. Dean didn’t think he had ever come so hard, and it was nothing short of amazing.

Cas was right behind him, freezing and then stuttering a few times while Dean’s name escaped around a loud moan. He fell heavily onto Dean’s chest and Dean wrapped his arms around him, still panting and trying to catch his breath.

They slowly spiraled down from their joint height, heartrates returning to normal. They reveled in the afterglow of their orgasms.

Dean didn’t want to get up; he didn’t even want to move. The mind-blowing sex had been so fucking fantastic it almost seemed like a dream. The semen squashed between their naked bodies, almost gluing them together, was the evidence it was sweet reality. The stickiness eventually became uncomfortable though.

“Come on, babe, up, up, up,” Dean said, softly patting Cas’s ass a few times.

Cas groaned a complaint but obeyed. He rolled off Dean, pushed himself up on an elbow and captured Dean’s lips in a slow but passionate kiss. “I love you,” he whispered when he released Dean’s mouth. He smiled and got out of bed.

Dean sighed and closed his eyes. Why couldn’t he say it back? He did, once, back in the summer, but he never repeated it. Yet those three little words tugged at his heartstrings, desperately trying to break free. He did love Cas but he was terrified it would destroy everything when he said it out loud. With another sigh, he pushed the words back down, putting them behind lock and key, and followed Cas to the adjoining bathroom. He winced when some of Cas’s come leaked out of his hole and ran down his legs.

Under the spray of the shower, they washed each other’s hair and soaped each other’s bodies,  while trading sweet kisses. The whole thing could have been called erotic and yet there was nothing sexual about it.

Dressed in comfortable sweats, Dean opened the window to air out the bedroom that smelled like sex and sweating bodies. He then ran downstairs to join Cas in the kitchen where they made sandwiches for lunch.

The silence stretching between them was comfortable at first, until something in the air shifted. It was subtle, yet Dean sensed it right away. Cas tensed up beside him. It was like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.

Dean cast a glance sideways. Cas looked like he was deeply focused on cutting the tomato in thin slices.

“You okay, babe?” Dean asked, turning back to the sandwiches he was making. He put some chicken on the  mayo covered slices of bread.

Cas cleared his throat. “I ehm,…” His shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry.” He wouldn’t look Dean in the eyes.

Dean frowned. He was at a loss. What the hell was he talking about? Cas was obviously ashamed of something.

“About what, Cas?” Dean didn’t know if he wanted to hear the answer. Dread slowly tightened his stomach into knots taking away his appetite.  Cas hadn’t betrayed him, right? He couldn’t have. They hadn’t been out of each other’s sights since they got to the cabin. Except maybe that time… No! No, no, no, he was not going there. Cas would never do that. Dean couldn’t believe the thought even crossed his mind.

“About what, Cas?” Dean repeated with a bit more force when Cas didn’t answer. He turned to gently take his arm.

Cas looked up. His blue eyes were shining with tears. “I haven’t been totally honest with you.”

Dean was definitely at a loss. He had clearly missed something somewhere. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Cas, can you stop being so cryptic and tell me what is going on? Come on, help me out here, man. Talk to me.”

Cas shook his head. “The night of the world premiere, the night we met, Balthazar decided he didn’t like the way I looked at you or how I reacted to you.” He swallowed audibly and put some tomato slices on top of his sandwich.

Carefully, like he was approaching a wild animal, Dean took a step towards Cas. There was something seriously wrong. He always suspected there was a lot more to the story about Cas’s break-up with Balthazar than what he’d been told. Cas never talked about it before and Dean knew this was just the tip of the iceberg. A sick feeling washed over him. Did Cas blame him for the break up? Was he to blame?

“Cas, baby, look at me,” Dean said softly. He tried to capture Cas’s gaze and stared into his eyes when he succeeded. “Tell me what happened.”

Cas stared back at Dean. “It was really nothing. We just got into a huge argument, that’s all.” He looked away again. It strengthened Dean’s fear that Cas did blame him.

“Just, tell me, Cas, please. Was that argument the reason you guys broke up later?”

“No. It was the beginning of the end. The breaking point was when I found Balthazar fucking Mick Davies in our bed.”

Dean clenched his fists. “He betrayed you?” He was surprised at how angry his voice sounded.

“Yes. And if it only had been that one time, I might have been able to stay with him, you know.” He shrugged. “People make mistakes. None of us is flawless. But it turned out they had been screwing behind my back for quite some time. I left that night.”

“You told me you parted friends,” Dean mumbled. “Why did you lie to me about that, Cas? You didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth?”

Cas tilted his head. A thin line appeared between his brows. “I didn’t lie to you, Dean. We did part friends. Balthazar and I talked it out. He apologized in a million different ways and I forgave him, but I wasn’t stupid enough to give him a second chance. I kept him on as my agent as a token of good faith, and I thought we could remain friends.” He huffed out a laugh. It was humorless with a sad edge to it. “You know how that went. I was so naïve.”

“You always see the best in people, Cas. You always give them the benefit of the doubt. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Yes, well, it can’t hurt to be more cynical from time to time.”

Silence fell for a few minutes, each of them lost in their own whirlwind of thoughts. Dean processed what Cas had just told him. He knew what it was like to be betrayed by the person you trusted; by the one you thought loved you. He could relate to the pain Cas must have felt when he walked in on Balthazar and Mick, and he admired him for forgiving so fast. Dean didn’t think he could do that. He reached out and took Cas’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“You said that argument was the beginning of the end, an argument about me.” He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry I screwed up a perfectly good relationship…”

“What?” Cas’s head snapped up. “No, Dean, please, don’t think that. It was not your fault and I certainly don’t blame you.” He sighed deeply. “It was after I left that I realized I never really loved Balthazar so it wasn’t really a perfectly good relationship anyway. He was already screwing Mick before we met, so you were not the reason he did it. I don’t even know why I got involved with him in the first place.”

Dean let out a silent breath of relief. It was good to know Cas didn’t blame him and why he had never told him about this before. He was livid though. If he ever got his hands on Balthazar, they would never find his body. How on earth could anyone betray and hurt a man like Cas?

He looked down at their woven hands. “How did you guys get together?” He instantly regretted the question. It was really none of his business. It was a chapter from Cas’s past he desperately wanted to close and move on from. He was surprised Cas answered.

“There was a certain attraction and one night we had drunken sex. Next I knew I was practically living with him. I’m glad I didn’t sell the penthouse so I had something to go back to.” He looked back up at Dean with soft, blue eyes. “I never knew what love was until I met you.”

Dean couldn’t contain his smile. He felt the blood rush to his face, turning his cheeks pink. “You big sap,” he mumbled fondly, surging forward to capture Cas’s lips. The kiss was chaste and sweet. “You’re over it now, right?”

Cas squinted. “Of course I am, Dean.” He looked down again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

“You told me now, that’s what counts,” Dean said, nodding his head though he did wish Cas told him before. Right, and this conversation was getting into dangerous territory, the territory of love confessions and mushy chick flick moments. He had to turn it around. “Now, how about we eat these sandwiches and watch a movie? Sound good?”

Cas nodded. “Sounds great.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Thursday.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...

 

Shooting ended the first week of December, right on schedule. Cas and Dean both got wasted at the wrap up party. It was the one time they were glad Ketch was there to drive them home. It was his last task as their bodyguard. His job ended on Sunday.

After reviewing the raw footage from the last few days, the two main actors and some of the guest stars were asked to stay another week. Some scenes needed to be reshot and the studio wanted to talk about a sequel.

Staying longer was something that was to be expected. They didn’t mind one bit. Things would be far more relaxed. For one thing, they didn’t have to be on set at six in the morning every day.

Early on Monday, they were pulled out of their sleep by the blaring of Cas’s phone.

Dean groaned and pulled a pillow over his head. Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to call Cas at this ungodly hour?

“Yes, yes, this is Castiel Novak,” he heard Cas say. His voice was muffled by the pillow. He was just about to drift off again when Cas said: “Oh God, is she okay?”

Dean’s eyes snapped open. That got his attention. He threw off the pillow and scrambled upwards. Cas looked at him, his blue eyes filled with concern and worry.

“Yes, I’ll be there as soon as possible. Thank you.” Cas ended the call. He sat frozen in place, like he needed some time to fully process the news he’d just received.

Dean reached out and gently touched Cas’s arm. “Babe? What’s going on?” His words seemed to pull Cas out of his state of shock.

“I’m…ehm…Anna…she crashed her car.” Cas frowned like he couldn’t believe it; like he was caught in some nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

Dean inhaled a sharp breath. “Shit. Is she..”

“She’s all right. Some cuts and bruises and a slight concussion. She’s in the hospital.”

All of a sudden Cas went into panic mode, as if saying it out loud made it all real. He jumped from the bed. “I need to go to her. I have to…”

“Hey, hey, hey, calm down.” Dean hopped from the bed and went over to Cas. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. “It’s okay, she’s all right,” he whispered.

Dean closed his eyes and rubbed small circles on Cas’s naked back in a soothing, comforting gesture. This news probably brought back a lot of bad memories for Cas since his mom died in a car crash.

He felt Cas slowly relaxing while taking deep breaths. He moved a few inches away and cradled his face. “You go take a shower and get dressed. I’ll call Crowley to have the jet ready and make you some breakfast, okay?”

Cas nodded. “Thank you, Dean.” His voice was hoarse with a tinge of fear hidden behind it.

Dean smiled as reassuringly as he could. He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Cas’s lips. “It’s okay, babe. Go take that shower now.”

Dean threw on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. He placed a call to Crowley while walking downstairs.

“I don’t understand why he is in such a hurry. You just told me his sister was fine, nothing life threatening,” Crowley complained.

“Yeah, well, Cas needs to see that for himself and Anna needs him right now. Make it happen, Crowley. You are his agent now too, remember.” He held his cell phone between his ear and his shoulder while starting the coffee machine.

“Funny you should mention that. As his agent – and yours – I urge you to convince him to stay and I’ll make sure both of you can get out of there on Thursday.”

Dean closed his eyes, trying hard to maintain his patience. Convincing Crowley to use the jet for personal reasons was never easy.

“Not good enough Crowley,” Dean said in the calmest voice he could muster. “I’m not setting a foot on that plane if I can help it. I thought I told you I would drive back to L.A.” He opened the fridge and took out the eggs and put them on the kitchen counter.

“And I told you that’s a stupid idea.”

Dean gritted his teeth. He almost slammed the frying pan on the stove in frustration. “Damn it, Crowley. Will you just do it?”

There was a beat of silence. Dean thought for a second he had lost the connection and feared the worst. He really, really should learn not to yell at Crowley. The best way to get something from him was to handle him with kid gloves.

“Fine!” Crowley snapped. His voice was so loud and came so sudden Dean almost jumped. “I’ll have a car pick him up in forty minutes.” The line went dead.

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes. “Asshole,” he muttered, but he was glad Crowley gave in. He wondered what the price tag was for calling in this favor. He pushed the thought away. He wasn’t going to worry about that. His priority was Cas.

Cas wandered into the kitchen looking miserable. A pang of sympathy hit Dean in the heart. He could only imagine what Cas must be going through. Even though the hospital had reassured him Anna was all right, Cas wouldn’t relax until he saw her for himself.

“There will be a car here picking you up in about,…” Dean looked at the kitchen clock, “…thirty minutes.” He filled Cas’s mug with the freshly brewed coffee and put it in front of him.

Cas’s eyes went big.  “I… I haven’t packed yet.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Dean put some scrambled eggs and toast on a plate. “Just take what you need and I’ll bring the rest.”

“Thank you.” Cas turned his attention to the food. He mindlessly stabbed his eggs with his fork and pushed them back and forth on his plate.

“I wish I could go with you,” Dean said with a sigh of regret.

“I know. Are you still planning on driving back to L.A.?”

“Yeah. It won’t be much fun without you there beside me, but yeah.”

Cas averted his eyes. “I’m sorry I have to leave.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Dean reached over the kitchen counter and laid his hands over Cas’s. “I get it. If it were Sam, I would want to be with him too.” He removed his hand and stood up. “Finish your food. I’ll pack your things.”

When Dean came back downstairs with Cas’s duffel bag he was glad to see Cas had finished half of the food on his plate. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

They slowly walked to the front door and said their goodbyes in the hall. Dean cupped Cas’s face and captured his lips in a bittersweet kiss. He closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together. “You call me as soon as you’ve seen Anna, okay?” he said with a wavering voice.

“Of course, Dean. I promise.” Cas leaned in and put his mouth over Dean’s. His tongue desperately demanded access, which Dean granted more than willingly. There was no real heat behind it, but it had an intimacy about it only they knew. It was just them, two lovers saying goodbye, not willing to part but forced to by circumstances.

The ringing of the doorbell pulled them apart. Dean took Cas’s hand and interlaced their fingers. “It’s gonna be okay,” he said before opening the door.

He walked Cas down the steps to the waiting Hummer Crowley had sent. “If everything goes as planned, I’ll leave on Thursday and see you on Friday.” He opened the passenger door and Cas got in.

“And I will call you, probably somewhere in the afternoon and I will text you on my way to the hospital.”

Dean nodded. He closed the door and took a step back to let the car drive away safely. He was still staring after it long after it disappeared.

A shiver ran through his body. It was freezing cold and yet it was not the chill of the early morning that rattled his bones. There was something heavy hanging in the air, something he could not quite put his finger on. It darkened his mood. Something was off.

He looked over the peaceful mired landscape. The sunbeams caught by the snow crystals, made them sparkle like diamonds embedded in a blanket of snow. The brightness made Dean squint. It was beautiful, like something you would find on a Christmas card, and yet, it could not lift his mood. Why did he feel so…bereft? Liked Cas had just abandoned him.

He tried to shrug it off and went back inside. Maybe what he was feeling was normal. He and Cas had spent more than three months living and working together. Sure, they had their arguments and the occasional lover’s spat, but they never went to bed angry.

Dean shouldn’t be so selfish. Anna was hurt and needed her brother. He would do the exact same thing for Sam. Cas wasn’t really abandoning him. He would see him again on Friday. He felt slightly better thinking about it, but he could not shut up that little voice in the back of his mind, screaming something bad was going to happen.

\-----

“Did you and Cas have sex in the Impala?” Sam’ voice was deafening through the phone line. Dean blinked in surprise. He hadn’t even had the chance to say ‘hi’.

“Are you seriously kidding me right now, Sam?” Dean really didn’t need this on top of everything else. He was in the middle of packing his and Cas’s suitcases. Crowley had asked him to move to the condo with downstairs security. No, scratch that, Crowley had _ordered_ him to do so. His agent had told him it didn’t feel right to have him staying alone at the cabin. Dean snorted. Like he couldn’t take care of himself, but he had agreed without putting up much of a fight. He owed Crowley one and if this was the only price he had to pay for lending Cas the jet, he gladly paid it. No big deal.

“Answer the question, Dean.” Sam was still waiting for an answer and boy, he did not sound happy.

“Not before you tell me what the hell is going on,” Dean barked.

“I take that as a yes.”

“Whatever.” Dean sniffed a t-shirt. If something smelled clean enough, he folded it. If not, he threw it on the pile of laundry he would put in another bag.

A sigh sounded on the other end of the line. “Dean…you might wanna sit down for this.”

Dean frowned. He kept his phone stuck between his shoulder and his ear so he could continue what he was doing without wasting any goddamn time. “Go ahead, Sam, I’m sitting down,” he said with a sarcastic tone. So what if he lied? It’s not like his brother could see him. He took the socks out of the drawer and threw them in the suitcase.

“There’s a picture in today’s tabloids of two people having sex in the backseat of an Impala that looks exactly like yours. They’re claiming it’s you and Cas.”

Dean froze. He dropped the boxer briefs in his hand into the bag. Okay, now he needed to sit down. He slowly dropped to the edge of the bed. _Fuck_.

“Of course, we’ll deny it’s you, but before I do I wanna know if I’m lying or not. So, again, did you and Cas have sex in your car?”

Dean took the phone in his other hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, we did,” he finally admitted. His voice was nothing more than a whisper. It was no use to lying to his brother. What good would that do?

“What the hell, Dean?”

“Hey!” Dean jumped up and started pacing. “What Cas and I do in private is our business. It was on the set and it was dark. How the hell did that reporter get in anyway? Don’t they have a life? For fucks sake.”

“Ehm…it kinda _is_ their life, Dean.”

“Yeah, yeah,  yeah.” Stupid vultures. Why can’t they just leave him and Cas the fuck alone? Right. Like that was ever gonna happen.

“Besides, it wasn’t a reporter.”

Dean stopped dead in his tracks. “What?”

“Okay, get this. I called around and found out they – and by _‘they’_ I mean the biggest tabloid in Hollywood – got the picture in the mail with a note saying they would get the full story if they could provide the sender full anonymity. You and I both know that even tabloids check their stories before they print anything, especially something as big as that photo. They couldn’t reveal their source, but it was an insider, someone who had access to the set. That person, they wouldn’t even tell me if it was a man or a woman, got a lot of money for the story and the promise it was 100% true.”

Dean closed his eyes and let his forehead fall against the wall in front of him with a _‘thump’_. He banged it a few times. “Fuck.”

“Yeah. I tried to tell the tabloid their source was lying, but they didn’t buy it. The best I could do was spread some doubt. There are a few things playing in your favor though.”

Dean heaved a big sigh. He turned around and went back to the bed. “What’s that?”

“It’s a blurry picture. It’s clear it is an Impala and you can make out two people in it, but it’s not clear enough to identify either of you.”

“So, it could be fabricated?”

“Yes, and that’s exactly what we are going to tell the press. It was quiet the past few months, but social media exploded again today.”

“Thanks, Sammy. Again.”

“No problem, Dean. So, is Cas there?”

Dean told his brother the short version about Cas leaving for L.A., then they ended the call.

Dean barely had time to breathe when his phone rang again with the same ‘80’s rock song. He glanced at the flashing screen and a bundle of nerves instantly settled in his gut. It was his dad.

With a big sigh, he let himself fall backwards on the bed. How the hell was this his life? Bracing himself for yet another typical John Winchester style fight, he answered the call.

“Hi son. How are you doing?”

Dean’s mouth fell open. This was a dream. This _must_ be a dream. He slowly sat  up again.

“I’m…I’m good, dad.” He frowned. Who was this and what had he done to his father? This could not possibly be his dad. He sure sounded like him, though.

“Glad to hear that,” John said. “I can only imagine what you must be going through with that picture in the tabloids.”

Dean closed his eyes. “You saw that, huh?”

“Yeah, I did. I guess it’s fabricated?” Dean heard the pleading tone in his dad’s voice. He was asking for reassurance; to be told none of it was true. So, Dean gave him exactly what he wanted.

“Yeah, it’s fabricated,” he said and slightly winced at the lie.

“I thought so.” The sigh of relief was so big Dean could almost physically feel it through the phone. Deep inside a tinge of anger started to make its way to the surface. He was tempted to ask his dad, what would happen if it was true, if it wasn’t a lie. He clenched his jaw to prevent himself from asking. They had just started over again. Their relationship was way too fragile to lay that on him now. Dean was not ready yet to have that conversation. This was something he had to approach with care instead of confronting his father head on with ‘what ifs’.

The rest of their short conversation was awkward and stilted. But, at least his father didn’t yell at him. That counted for something. His dad tried and for that, Dean was thankful. He wondered how long that would last when he admitted he was dating Cas.

\-----

All packed and ready to go with the bags sitting at the front door, Dean nursed a cup of steaming coffee. He glanced around the cabin with a faint smile. He and Cas had made some wonderful memories here. Living together for so long had been a great test of their relationship. They got through it without having the urge to bash each other’s skulls in or driving each other insane. It was safe to say they passed the test with flying colors.

Dean carefully stored the memories away as if they were precious gifts. He was going to miss this cabin, but, most of all, he was going to miss having Cas around all the time. Dean had never been big with words. Spending time with his family, his friends, his _lover_ , was his way of saying he loved them with everything he had.

The sound of an incoming text message pulled him out of his thoughts. It was from Cas, saying he had landed safely and was now on his way to the hospital. Dean’s smile grew wider. He softly chuckled. God, he missed Cas.

\-----

At the condo, Dean didn’t bother to unpack. He was only going to be there for three and a half days.

He was insanely relieved when Cas called to tell him his sister was all right. Cas sounded a hell of a lot better than he did when he had left.

“They are going to keep her here until tomorrow, but she is all right.”

“That’s good, Cas. I’m glad to hear she’s doing okay.”

There was a beat of silence.

“I’m…I’m sorry I overreacted, Dean.”

Although Cas couldn’t see him, Dean dismissively waved his arm. “Hey, don’t be. I would have reacted the exact same way if it was my brother. I get it. You needed to see her and she needed you to be there.”

They talked for little over an hour and said their goodbyes with the promise to call again tomorrow.

\-----

Dean couldn’t fall asleep that night. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. He felt it in his bones. It creeped across every inch of his skin. He tried to push it away but the feeling wouldn’t be ignored. It was teasingly floating at the edge of his subconscious, just out of reach. It drove him insane.

He punched his pillow a few times and finally gave up. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. It showed twenty after three in the morning. With a sigh, he turned on his back and stared at the ceiling in the semi darkness of his room. Maybe it was because he wasn’t used to sleeping alone anymore.

He had just closed his eyes, listening to the faint sound of the traffic outside and hoping it would lull him to sleep, when his phone went off.

Dean grabbed it with a frown. The line between his brows grew even deeper when he saw the incoming call was from Cas. He immediately sat upright. A warm, yet foreboding feeling slowly welled up from the depths of his soul. He answered the call.

“Cas?”

“Dean,…I’m…I’m sorry.” The voice at the other end sounded weak and hoarse and hardly recognizable, but it was Cas. Dread washed over Dean. It coursed through his veins, raising all kinds of red flags in his head. In all the years he had known Cas, he had never, ever sounded this way.

“Cas, what’s wrong? Baby, talk to me.”

“I’m…sorry…Dean.” A broken sob. “I’m so…so…sorry.” The last word was just a whisper. Then the line went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry.
> 
> See you next week (try not to kill me in the mean time)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might trigger something for some people. Check the notes at the end for spoilers.

 

“Cas, CAS,” Dean yelled at the dead line. _Damn it._ With trembling fingers he called back. It went straight to voicemail. Dean nearly threw his phone against the wall in frustration. He jumped out of bed.

“Shit, shit, shit…SHIT.” He was on the verge of a panic attack. This was very bad. He could barely breathe with the tight knot of dread in his chest.

“Okay, okay, calm down.” This was not the time to go into full panic mode. “Think, goddamnit, THINK.”

His hands were shaking so hard he could barely dial the phone. “Pick up, pick up, oh God, please pick up,” Dean whispered the prayer, frantically pacing the living room floor. It went to voicemail. “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, SAM, ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.” He dialed again. It was only when he gasped for air that he realized he hadn’t been breathing.

Instant relief washed over him when he heard Sam’s sleepy voice. “This better be good Dean because…”

“Sammy! Sam, oh thank God.”

 “Dean, what’s wrong?” The tone in Sam’s voice turned from irritated to worried. Dean heard him suppress a yawn.

“It’s Cas. Sam…I need you to go to the penthouse, right now.” His voice wavered.

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know!” Dean yelled, helplessly. “But something happened.” He took another deep breath. “Sammy, he sounded so broken.” He suppressed a sob. “And I’m stuck here while something is obviously very, very wrong there. I need you to go check on him. Please, Sam.”

Dean heard rustling sounds in the background and a faint female voice asking what was going on. There was a short exchange with words he couldn’t make out. Then Sam’s voice came back through the phone.

“I’m on my way, Dean.”

“Thanks, Sammy. Please call me as soon as you know anything, okay?”

Knowing someone was on his way to check on Cas helped. He felt so fucking helpless. He wanted to punch something. It took every ounce of self-control not to demolish the condo. He clenched his fists, feeling his fingernails painfully dig in his palms to restrain himself from trashing something. He needed to go. If he started driving now he would be… no, driving would take too long. He needed a plane. _Fuck_. He cursed his fear of flying. Even though he said he would never set foot on Crowley’s flying coffin again, he would for Cas. For him he would face his worst fears dead on.

Taking a few deep breaths, trying to suppress the nerves that made his stomach turn upside down, he called his agent.

*

Cas was curled up in a corner of his peach leather couch, staring into the black nothingness of his penthouse. The only light came from the city lights that poured in through the big arched window.

A blanket covered his abused, naked body. Everything hurt. He had done something despicable. He had betrayed the love and the trust of a man who cared more about him than he cared about his own life.

Cas let his forehead fall onto his knees. The sting of tears burned behind his eyes.

He didn’t mean to; Lord knows he didn’t mean to. Everything in him had screamed ‘no’. He’d cried and begged and _pleaded_ with the man who had knocked him unconscious and tied him to the headboard, fully naked. But the man had shushed him and told him he was going to  prove that Cas didn’t really love Dean.

Cas’s body shuddered with awful sobs at the memory of what had just happened. He had fought against his restrains. The ugly purple and red bruises that were starting to show on his wrists were evidence of that.

The guy had opened him up. He had sucked his dick and Cas had gotten hard, he had gotten _hard_ for the love of Christ. He didn’t want to; he never wanted to but his traitorous body clearly didn’t listen to what his mind told it.

Without being fully ready and only using spit as lube, the guy had pushed his cock inside. It had burned and hurt like hell. A feral scream had sounded through the room and it had taken a second for Cas to realize it had come from his own mouth.

Pain had turned into pleasure when his prostate was hit over and over again and Cas had hated himself for it. When the guy also started to tug his dick with his skillful hand in rhythm with his thrusts, forcing an orgasm out of him, Cas had shattered with overwhelming guilt.

The man had spilled his release deep inside him. It was only later that it had dawned on Cas the bastard didn’t even use a condom.

After cleaning himself up and getting dressed, the man had chuckled and told him he always suspected Cas didn’t love Dean after all. If he did, he wouldn’t have betrayed him like this. He had untied him and left.

Somewhere, in the back of Cas’s head, a little voice screamed, telling him the guy was full of shit. Somehow it didn’t reach Cas’s conscious mind. He had betrayed Dean’s love in the most horrendous way possible.

Without fully realizing what he was doing, he had called Dean and apologized. It was the only thing he could do at that point. It wouldn’t be any use. Dean would never forgive him.

Cas didn’t hear the ping of the elevator announcing a visitor. He didn’t hear the footsteps hurrying over to him. It was only when he saw legs in his field of vision that he knew someone was there.

“No. No more,” he whimpered. He curled up to a ball even more, pushing himself in the cushions of the couch, wanting to disappear.

“Hey, hey, Cas, it’s okay, it’s me,” a familiar voice said softly.

Cas looked up. He blinked away the mist of tears that blurred his vision and saw Sam crouching in front of him.

“Sam?” Cas was confused.

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me. What happened?”

Cas shook his head. “Nothing. Go away.” The last thing he needed was Dean’s brother. He was ashamed enough as it was. Sam was going to hate him as much as Dean would for what he had done, and he couldn’t blame them.

Sam didn’t want to go. His face was a mask of worry but that would soon enough turn to contempt and anger when he figured it all out.

“Go away, Sam,” He didn’t need Sam’s judgement. He pulled the blanket tighter around him. “I’m…I’m fine, just go.” He started sobbing again. He couldn’t help himself. He flinched away when Sam put a hand on his arm.

“Okay, okay, it’s okay,” Sam said, holding his hands up in a placating manner. “Buddy, please talk to me. Dean is worried sick about you.”

That got Cas’s attention. He shook his head. “He’s going to hate me. You’re going to hate me,” he whispered hoarsely. He couldn’t look Sam in the eyes.

“Whatever happened, I doubt Dean would hate you for it. I don’t even think he can hate you, Cas.”

The chuckle that left Cas’s mouth was bitter and sarcastic. “Trust me, he can and he will.”

Sam rubbed his forehead. “Cas, just,…okay, what do you need? You need anything?”

“I need you to go.”

“No. Besides that, because, I’m sorry, buddy, but I’m not leaving you like this.”

It was obvious Sam wasn’t going anywhere.

Aside from the guilt and the spilled tears, Cas was numb inside. But something else was boiling underneath the surface, something that looked a lot like anger. Suddenly, it exploded.

“If you have to know, Sam, I was attacked. Here, in my fucking apartment.”

“Who? Who attacked you?”

“Arthur Ketch!”

“Wait, what? Your bodyguard from Vancouver? How did he get passed security?”

“I don’t fucking know, Sam! All I know is that he suddenly showed up here with some lame excuse. I turned my back, for one second, ONE SECOND, and he attacked me. Next I knew I was naked, tied down on the bed and he forced himself on me and…and I got hard, Sam and…and…and I fucking orgasmed!” He was out of breath from his tirade and needed to gasp for air. His chest hurt with every shallow breath he took. The horrified expression on Sam’s face was more than he could take. He looked down and away.

“He _raped_ you?”

Cas nodded. “And it was all my fault.”

“No,” Sam said. He reached out and Cas flinched again at his touch. “It was not your fault Cas. Don’t you ever think that.”

“But I orgasmed…I…I was weak…” He could not believe how broken and devastated his voice sounded. When did he turn into such a whiny bitch, feeling sorry for himself for something he was responsible for?

“Damn it, Cas, no,” Sam said adamantly. “Look at me.”

Tentatively, Cas looked up, bracing himself for what he might see on Sam’s face. It surprised him that the look in his hazel eyes wasn’t anger or pity, but empathy and horror. There was determination when he spoke. “The human body can get aroused even if the mind doesn’t want to, Cas. I know what you’re thinking. I understand, but you getting hard or you coming is not a sign you don’t love Dean. Please, don’t blame yourself because none of this was your fault.”

Sam’s words registered – they basically said the same thing as that little voice in the back of his head – but he couldn’t believe it. And even if he did believe it, he felt dirty and tainted. He was broken. How could Dean still love him? He was a whiny, weak mess. It was better for Dean to stay away from him. The man deserved better than him. He gasped for air when he remembered something.

“Anna,” he said. He started to move. “I need to get Anna…”

“Wow, hold on, Cas.” Sam put his hand on his shoulder to stop him. “What about Anna?”

“I need to pick her up from the hospital.” Cas frantically glanced around, looking for a clock. He had totally lost track of time. His relief was immediate when he saw it was only five in the morning. He sagged back in the couch.

“I’ll take care of it, Cas. Don’t worry about that, okay?”

Cas blinked and then nodded in defeat. He was tired of fighting. It was easier to just give in.

*

Dean hung up the phone. The jet was still in L.A.  Crowley had arranged something else for him, but only after Dean had threatened to book the first commercial flight out of Vancouver even it meant he had to fly economy. He couldn’t care less if it drew serious media attention or if he was harassed by hysterical fans. Cas was in trouble and nothing short of a meteor crashing into the earth would prevent him from getting to him.

Crowley had chartered a plane for him. “And remember, you owe me your soul for this,” his agent had said. Dean didn’t give a damn, as long as he got to Cas as soon as possible.

He had never taken a quicker shower in his life. He thanked all the Gods in existence the suitcases were still packed and ready.

The car that Crowley had arranged to take him to the airport, picked him up half an hour later. Still no word from Sam. Dean was so fucking worried. What the hell had happened? Cas had sounded so…so…he couldn’t even find the right words to describe it.

Cas was always so strong. He was Dean’s rock, his cornerstone, always standing strong and never backing away from anything. Dean knew Cas would defend him with his dying breath. A sad voice from deep inside said that even rocks could crumble, no matter how strong they were.

Dean was done waiting. He was about to call Sam himself when his phone rang.

“About fucking time,” he shouted into the phone. “Talk to me.”

“Dean. It’s…it’s bad.”

Dean’s world started crumbling. The tone in Sam’s voice didn’t predict anything good. Oh God, he wasn’t dead, was he? Please, please don’t let him be dead.

“Sammy, please don’t tell me…”

“No. No, Dean, he’s alive, it’s just…you need to come down here as soon as possible.”

“What the fuck do you think I’m doing?” Dean yelled, frustrated but also immensely relieved Cas was, at least, alive. “I’m on my way to the airport. Now tell me what the fuck happened.”

Silence fell…and lingered. Dean looked at his phone with a frown, thinking he lost the connection.

“Cas was raped, Dean.” Sam’s voice was barely a whisper and for one tense moment, Dean was sure he hadn’t heard him right. But he had and his world that had started to crumble now crashed around him into a million pieces. An unknown anger flared up in him. Never in his life had he felt so much rage. It scared him.

“WHAT?” He held his breath, controlling his fury as good as he possibly could. He clenched his jaw. “Who?” he asked through gritted teeth. “Did he tell you?”

“It was Arthur Ketch.”

If someone had slapped Dean in the face, he couldn’t have been more surprised. Yes, Ketch was a bastard, but this? What the hell? Another wave of rage washed over him.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM.”

“Dean, calm down.”

“DON’T TELL ME TO FUCKING CALM DOWN, SAM, GOD DAMNIT.” Okay, deep breaths, in and out, deep breaths. Slightly calmer but still fucking angry he said: “He reported it, right? Tell me he reported it or is going to.”

“I’m working on that, Dean. He’s in pretty bad shape.”

Suddenly exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions, Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “Of course he is, Sam. I can only imagine.” He sighed deeply. “Try to get him to the hospital. They’ll need to exam him.” He sounded so hoarse he hardly recognized his own voice. A sob left his lips.

“I’m at the tarmac now. I’ll call you as soon as I land.”

“Okay. And Dean?”

“Yeah, Sammy?”

“Try to hold it together, okay? It doesn’t help Cas if you fall apart.”

“I will, Sam, don’t worry. I’ll see you in a few hours. Take care of him.”

*

Sam was right, he needed to go to the hospital. Cas didn’t want to. All he wanted was to bury the horrible experience somewhere in his subconscious and forget about it, pretend it never happened. Luckily, he had enough common sense left to realize that wouldn’t do any good. Sam told him it was a sign that he was strong.

Pressing charges was the right thing to do. If he didn’t, Ketch would do to someone else what he had done to him. It would be on his conscious and Cas didn’t think he could live with that.

He slowly dressed himself in black jeans and a black sweater. Sam told him not to shower and not to touch anything unless it was necessary. The penthouse was now basically a crime scene.

Sam called the hospital to ask for the utmost discretion. The last thing they needed was this turning into a media circus. The press would eat this up if it came out.

The doctors were kind and considerate, and explained to him they wouldn’t do anything he didn’t agree to.

Cas’s relief was immense it was a female doctor who performed the exam. He didn’t think he could have gone through with it if it had been a man.

The exam room was peaceful and quiet. It was set to create a serene environment for the victims who were often in a state of shock, victims like Cas. The adjoining waiting area was decorated in a cozy, domestic manner.

Cas was so fucking ashamed. He was a man and he was raped. No matter how nice the people who took care of him were to his face, they would probably laugh behind his back for his weakness. If  only he was stronger, this would never have happened. He wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

After the embarrassing exam, they told him he could shower. He thought it would make him feel better, but it didn’t. There wasn’t enough water in the world to wash away his shame, his guilt, and the stains left on his very soul.

When he came out of the shower, Sam was waiting for him with two women in police uniforms. They were introduced to him as Jody Mills and Donna Hanscum. Sam told Cas he knew them. They were good people, and he assured him they would handle his case with the utmost discretion and care.

Cas had to tell them exactly what happened, so he had to relive his whole ordeal. He tried to detach himself as best as he could. It left him empty and exhausted.

Female voices sounded from outside the room. Cas recognized one as his sister’s. A second later, Anna barged into the room with Jessica on her heels. She froze the moment she saw him. Her red hair was a mess and the expression on her pale face was a mixture of sorrow and empathy. Cas saw her lips form his name, but no sound came. A single tear slipped down her cheek. Next he knew, she held him in her arms and he broke down again. Silent tears wetted his face and Anna’s shirt. He was surprised he still had tears left to spill. It was like all he had done the last few hours was cry.

The ringing of a cell phone broke them apart. It was Sam’s. He took it out and went outside.

“Mr. Novak, will you give us access to your home?” Jody asked softly.

Anna looked at her curiously. “Why?”

“To gather evidence. A stronger case can be built against your brother’s attacker if he can be placed in his home,” Donna explained.

Cas nodded. The sooner they got that bastard off the streets and behind bars, the better he would sleep. If he could sleep, that is, which he doubted, no matter how exhausted he was.

Sam came back in. “Dean is on his way, he’s…”

“No!” Cas violently shook his head.  A coil of rope wrapped around his chest and squeezed all the air out of his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. A wave of panic hit him so hard he stumbled backwards.

Anna grabbed him by the arm and Jody took his other arm. They gently sat him on the couch lined up at the light blue wall. He gasped for breath. Dean could not see him, not like this.

“Please, Sam.” A broken whisper. “Please, I don’t…I _can’t_ ”

“Cas, Dean is…”

“Sam!” Anna shouted. “Please, for the sake of my brother…”

“Honey, she’s right,” Jessica intervened calmly from where she sat on the opposite couch. She lightly rubbed her belly.

Sam gave in. He nodded in understanding and left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yes, Cas got raped.
> 
> I'm so sorry. I will make it better, promise.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas is hurting. But Dean is hurting too...

 

Dean was relieved when the car was already waiting on the tarmac when he exited the plane in Los Angeles.

While the suitcases were loaded from the plane to the trunk of the black Hummer, he called Sam, who told him they were at the hospital.

Dean told the driver to drop him off at the entrance, then park the car and wait until he heard back from him.

He almost tumbled out of the car and barged through the double glass doors. In the main hall, he frantically looked around. Where the hell was he supposed to go? He was about to get his phone out of his pocket when he saw a familiar mop of long brown hair.

“Sammy!” He ran over to his brother. “Where is he?”

“Wow, hold on, Dean.” Sam blocked his way.

“What the hell, Sam? Come on, where is he?”

“Will you please just calm down.”

“What?” Dean snapped. He wanted to get to Cas, hold him in his arms and tell him it would be okay, that they would get through this.

“He,…he doesn’t wanna see you.”

It was like someone poured a bucket of ice water over Dean. He gasped for air. Surely he didn’t hear his brother right.

“Wha…what?”

“He’s pretty shaken up. He went through a lot, Dean, and he’s a mess. He doesn’t want you to see him like that.”

“Like hell he doesn’t,” Dean mumbled and brushed passed his brother. If Sam wouldn’t take him to Cas, he would find him himself.

“Damn it, Dean.” Sam went after him. He grabbed him by the arm and stopped him.

Dean roughly yanked his arm out of his brother’s grip. What was wrong with people? Ten wild horses couldn’t keep him away from Cas.

“Listen to me,” Sam said, voice adamant. “You love him, right? Then please respect his wishes. He just…” Sam ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “He just needs some time right now. Give him that.”

Dean swallowed audibly. He pushed down the tears burning behind his eyes. Defeated, he fell onto the nearest chair, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He rubbed his face a few times and straightened back up. A punch to his gut would have probably hurt a lot less. He was freaking out over Cas and Cas didn’t even want to see him. How was he supposed to deal with that?

Sam plopped next to him. They both got lost in their thoughts in the silence that lingered between them. The surrounding air was heavy with grief and sadness; it was nearly tangible.

Dean gazed around the main hall without really seeing anything. It buzzed with activity. People came and went with suitcases, some with a smile on their faces that radiated the hope in their hearts and others looking lost and utterly devastated.

At the other end of the hall, one of the elevator doors slid open and let a bunch of people out. Dean’s breath hitched when he saw Cas, with Anna at his side and Donna, Jody and a very pregnant Jess trailing behind them. He slowly stood up – it was like pushing through water – and his gaze never left Cas. He was wearing a baseball cap in order not to be recognized. His head was slightly bowed down, eyes fixed on the floor.

As if he knew he was being watched, Cas suddenly stopped and looked up, straight at him. This shouldn’t really surprise Dean. One always knew when the other was in his orbit. They sensed each other before they even saw one another.

Their eyes met and locked. Even from that distance Dean could see Cas’s face was a twisted mask of devastation and hurt. His heart broke. He could almost physically feel it shattering. He took a step forward, but was immediately stopped by Sam. That same moment, Cas broke the stare. He looked down and away, ashamed.

A few words were exchanged between the group of five. Then Cas and Anna proceeded out while the two officers and Jessica came over to them.

Dean’s eyes followed Cas and his sister as they went through the glass doors until they disappeared from view. Next he knew, a pair of arms wrapped around him and a soft female voice whispered, “It’s okay, Dean. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Thanks, Jess.”

“Guys, we better get moving. Dean is starting to draw attention,” Jody said.

“Damn it,” Dean mumbled. “Come on, let’s go.” He hadn’t taken his status as a world famous actor into consideration when he burst into the hospital. It couldn’t have been further from his mind. All that mattered was to get to Cas as soon as humanly possible and damned the rest. Now he realized how careless he had been, and not only for him, but for Cas as well. He should thank all his lucky stars he wasn’t recognized, or not really. The people he caught looking at him with questions in their eyes weren’t sure it was him. He hoped Cas wasn’t seen. The very last thing they needed right now was speculation on why they were in the hospital.

Shielding Dean from view as best as they could manage, Dean led them to the Hummer. He was informed that Cas would stay with Anna on doctors’ advice. Right now, Cas needed someone to take care of him. It should have been him, Dean thought bitterly. He should be the one to take care of him, if only Cas would let him.

They unloaded Cas’s bags. Sam promised he would take them to Anna’s. First he would go with Jody and Donna to the penthouse.

Dean wanted to go with him, but Sam thought that wasn’t such a good idea. “Go home, Dean,” he said. “Look at you, you’re exhausted. Let me handle this. Jess and I will check on Cas later today when we drop off the bags and I promise I will talk to him. I’ll try to get him to call you, but please don’t be mad or surprised when he doesn’t.”

“Sam’s right,” Jessica cut in. “Cas needs space now. His life is in chaos, he needs to put it back in order as best as he can and that takes time.”

With a big sigh, Dean nodded. He was too tired to argue. He got in the backseat of the car and thanked Jody and Donna for being there. He knew they would be discreet about the whole thing. With a last goodbye to his brother and sister-in-law, he told the driver to take him home.

\-----

The ride to his estate went by in a blur. He didn’t even realize he was home until he stood in his living room, looking around. It was like he came out of a dream.

He made his way to the kitchen before doing anything else. He knew he had a bottle of scotch stashed there somewhere. It didn’t take him long to find it. He unscrewed the top and took a huge gulp straight from the bottle.

Defeat washed over him again. He sagged down with his back against the counter until his ass hit the cold tiles of the floor. It was then he completely broke down and allowed the tears to come, here, in the safety of his home where there was no one to witness it and no one to judge.

\-----

“Dean. Hey, Dean, come on, wake up.” A familiar voice slowly seeped through his subconscious and brought him back to the land of the living. Little by little his body woke up. His brain took longer to come back online. It took him some effort to peel his eyes open.

Through the mist swirling in front of his eyes, he recognized Charlie. He squinted. What the hell was she doing here? He tried to ask, but it was like he had swallowed a roll of sand paper. He couldn’t produce a sound no matter how hard he tried. The roof of his mouth was dry and sticky and he couldn’t identify the foul taste on his tongue, not that he wanted to.

“Oh, Dean, you’re a mess,” Charlie said. She helped him sit up. Yeah, well, he felt like a mess, no surprise there.

Jo crouched beside him handing him a glass of water and two aspirins. “Here, take these. You’re gonna need it.”

Dean tried to speak and went into a coughing fit. He took the pills and swallowed them. The cool water was a blessing for his sore throat and his dry mouth.

“What are you doing here?” he managed to ask. He still sounded very hoarse. A well-known throb started banging against the walls of his skull.

“Sam called us, told us to check on you and yes, we know everything that happened,” Charlie said.

“And we decided, as the good friends that we are, to come stay here with you. Cas has Anna to take care of him but we figured you also needed someone to take care of you,” Jo completed Charlie’s explanation.

“Sam should learn how to mind his own business. I can take care of myself.” Dean stood up with a groan. He swayed on his feet. God he felt awful.

“Yeah, we can see that.” Jo rolled her eyes. “You should be thankful to have a great brother like Sam.

Dean regretted his words. Jo was right. Sam was a great brother. He had been there for them. Suddenly, the events of a few hours ago came back and hit him in the gut like a freight train. He leapt over to the sink and started puking out the remaining alcohol in his stomach in a series of coughs and retches. Damn it, why did it always hurt so much? His eyes filled with tears and his nose was running. He turned on the water and let it run the sour mess in the sink down the drain. He took the paper towel Jo handed to him with a ‘thanks’ and blew his nose.

“You done?” Jo asked, eyebrows raised but with a worried look.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean said weakly.

“Good. Go take a shower and change. Then come back downstairs so we can talk.”

Dean snorted. He almost laughed, almost. “There’s nothing to talk about,” he said, brushing beside her to go upstairs and take that shower.

“You wanna bet?” he heard Jo call after him. He ignored her. But it was true. What was there to talk about? Everything was said and done. Cas didn’t want to see him, didn’t even want to talk to him. He drank himself into oblivion and passed out on his kitchen floor. That’s it, that’s all.

In the bathroom, he slowly undressed. When he caught his reflection in the mirror above the vanity he admitted he looked as awful as he felt. There were dark circles under his red rimmed and blood shot eyes. They stood out against his pale face. Even his freckles were more prominent than ever.

He turned the shower as hot as his body could bear and then turned the temperature up a notch. He wanted to feel the water searing his skin; he wanted to feel physical pain in order to override the emotional pain that threatened to rip him apart. He almost enjoyed the burning water beating down on him and then he realized he was being stupid. Who was he to feel sorry for himself? Cas was so much worse off. He could not even begin to imagine how Cas felt with what he went through. He only wished Cas would just talk to him, let him be there for him.

He took the body wash and nearly broke down in tears when he saw it was Cas’s. He soaped himself with it regardless. Maybe Sam and Jess were right. Maybe Cas just needed some time. It was normal, wasn’t it? Wasn’t there a saying? Something about time healing all wounds, some shit like that? But if that was true, why didn’t it make him feel better?

A fog of steam followed him when he left the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. He dressed in sweats and a long-sleeved shirt and absent-mindedly wondered how long he had been passed out since it was already dark. He didn’t exactly know what time it was when he decided it was a good idea to lose himself in a bottle of booze, but he did know it was still light when he drank himself senseless.

With a heavy sigh and an equally heavy heart, he went downstairs. “Time to face the music,” he mumbled. He knew the two women waiting for him were going to try to make him talk.

Charlie had made him a sandwich. “You need to eat something, Dean,” she said when he refused to take the plate, telling her he wasn’t hungry. His growling stomach disagreed.

Dean rolled his eyes. Yeah, well, maybe he _was_ hungry, he just didn’t have an appetite. He had absolutely no interest in food and wasn’t that the first. He reluctantly took a bite and had to admit it didn’t taste half as bad.

“So,” Jo started.

Dean shot her a guarded look. He stopped chewing for a second.

“So, it’s probably dumb of me to ask how you’re feeling,” Jo went on.

Dean shook his head and swallowed. “How do you figure, Jo?” he said, a sarcastic tone to his voice. He took another bite and gave her a challenging glance.

Jo sighed.

“Look, we get it, Dean,” Charlie cut in. “There’s not much we can say in a situation like this. Cas is hurting, you are hurting. It just,…it takes time, you know?”

Dean put his half-eaten sandwich on his plate and placed it on the coffee table. He had enough.

“You have any idea how many times I heard that today?” He unscrewed a bottle of water and gulped down half of it.

Led Zeppelin started playing from somewhere in the kitchen. Dean had been so preoccupied with his life falling apart, he totally forgot about his iPhone. He jumped up and ran in the direction the song was coming from.

“I put it on the counter,” Jo shouted after him.

Dean wiped the screen to answer the call with a quick glance at the caller ID. A pang of disappointment struck him in the heart. He had so hoped it was Cas. Oh, who was he kidding?

“Hi Sammy.”

“Dean! Finally. I tried to call you several times and when you didn’t pick up…”

“You sent Jo and Charlie to check on me. I know, they’re here,” Dean sighed.

“Eh, not exactly. I wanted to come over myself, but they offered. I’m glad they did. Dean, it is a nightmare.”

Dean closed his eyes. “Tell me something new,” he said while he slowly walked back to the living room.

“Okay, so, they arrested Ketch. Crowley is in a state, offered to kill him himself and bury the body once he knew what happened.”

“I bet he didn’t offer that out of the goodness of his heart,” Dean said sarcastically. He let himself fall onto the recliner.

“No, of course not. He probably couldn’t care less if he hadn’t hired the bastard. If that comes out, it’s a stain to his reputation.”

“This can’t come out, Sam.” He looked at Charlie and Jo who got up and made their way to the kitchen.

“I know, Dean. We are doing everything in our power to keep this from the media.”

Dean curled himself up in the soft cushions of the recliner. “How is Cas?” His voice wasn’t much more but a whisper, laced with pain.

“Pretty much the same. Eaten away with guilt. But if it makes you feel better, he did say he loves you.”

“He sure has a funny way of showing it,” Dean mumbled, words rolling out of his mouth before he even realized.

“Dean!”

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that.” And he really didn’t. But he was just so fucking angry. Not with Cas, but with the whole situation; with Ketch who was responsible, with the world, with life itself. A quivering sob left his lips.

“He thinks you hate him,” Sam went on.

Dean rubbed his eyes. “I could never hate him.” How could Cas even think that?

“I told him that, Dean, and so did Anna and Jess. Deep down, I think he knows that too. He has a lot to deal with right now. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since it happened. He just needs…”

“…time.” Dean turned his eyes upward. He was so damn tired of hearing people say that. “What the hell happened anyway, Sam?”

“I’m sorry, Dean, I can’t tell you that.”

“Sammy, come on,” Dean whined, frustration obvious.

“It’s not my story to tell, Dean. You know what you need to know. Cas was raped.”

“Yes but,…” He cut himself off with a sigh. “Never mind.” Sam wasn’t going to talk, he knew his brother that much. Something about lawyer confidentiality or some shit like that. Even though Sam hadn’t been there as Cas’s lawyer, he wasn’t the type of person to kiss and tell. Besides, Sam was right. It was not up to him to tell the details of the assault.

The silence that lingered over the phone became uncomfortable. It stirred something unpleasant in Dean’s gut. A cold fist clenched around his chest and squeezed. It made him hard to breathe, like there wasn’t enough air in the room.

“Sam? What aren’t you telling me?” Dean asked wary with dread tying his stomach in complicated knots.

“Okay, so, ehm, don’t read too much into this, Dean, but Anna and Cas left for New York.”

Dean blinked and froze. All the muscles in his body tensed up.

“What?” His ears must be deceiving him, there was no other explanation for what he just heard. “They just hopped on a plane and left?” Oh, the press was going to have a field day with that one on top of everything else. But that was not what bothered him. What bothered him was that Cas left the state less than 24 hours after the rape without telling him. This was fucking unbelievable.

“No, I chartered a plane for them,” Sam said evenly.

“Fucking hell, Sam?” Dean jumped up. He aggressively ran a hand through his hair. “Why? Why did you do that?”

“Will you calm down, Dean and let me explain.”

Dean took a deep breath and released it slowly. It took a lot of effort but he managed. He clenched his jaw. “Explain away,” he said, waving his arm in a dramatic gesture but he doubted that whatever excuse his brother came up with would be good enough.

A sigh sounded through the phone. “Anna has a business trip in a few days. Cas can’t be left alone. She wanted to cancel, but he didn’t wanna hear of it. They decided Cas is gonna stay with Gabe.”

“And you let him? You couldn’t talk him out of it? Oh no, that’s right, you just chartered a plane for them.”

“Will you stop raging and being so selfish.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up and painted wrinkles on his forehead. “Selfish? I’m being selfish?”

“Yes, Dean, you are. Look, I know you’re hurting, I get that. But you need to think about Cas now and what’s best for him. That is being with his family. Also, a change of scenery. I talked to Gabe. He knows a psychiatrist, the best in the state. She’s a personal friend of his and specializes in counseling rape victims. We were able to get Cas to agree to see her, which is a good thing. He’s getting help, Dean. Be glad and give him that. He just needs…”

“I swear to God, Sammy, if you say ‘time’ I’m gonna smash something.”

“Well, then smash away because it’s true.”

Dean shook his head. He was so frigging tired of being so helpless. “I know, Sam.” His voice cracked. “Will you do me a favor?”

“Anything, Dean.”

“Let Cas know,… let him know that, when he’s ready, he can call me anytime, day or night.”

“I will,” Sam promised. “Listen, I have to go. Are you gonna be okay?”

Dean huffed a bleak laugh. “As okay as I can be under the circumstances. Charlie and Jo are here with me, so, you don’t have to worry I’m gonna do something stupid.”

The call ended. Dean fell into the recliner, and curled into a fetal position. For his own sanity, he just had to accept that things were what they were instead of being angry and fighting them. It was a waste of energy and time. He just had to be patient where Cas was concerned. Sam was right. He had to think about Cas right now and do what was best for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry to put you guys through this. It will get better, promise, starting next chapter. There's some fluff to look forward to.  
> Thanks for staying with me so far.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank a few people.
> 
> JhanaMay, my awesome beta who also helped me with some legal stuff. I got it all wrong, lol. Glad to have you sweetie.  
> And  
> Ahaviel who helped me with what rape victims go through and how they deal with things.
> 
> Chek out their works. They are both amazing writers. (I wanna be them when I grow up, lol)
> 
> Thank you, my lovely readers for staying with me through all of this. As a reward, here's some fluff, you deserve it.

 

Cas stared at the huge Christmas tree in Gabe’s three-story city house. The blinking white LED lights, carefully woven through the branches of the silver fir, reflected in his eyes. Gabe made him help decorate it, and he had to admit, they’d done a great job. The tree looked beautiful.

It had only been ten days since that horrendous night, but Cas had already come a long way thanks to the intensive counseling of Pamela Barnes. She’d come by every day since he arrived and they had talked for hours on end.

The first few days had been horrible. They had to work through a huge amount of pain, and Cas had cried more than he had cried in his entire life, not that he would admit that to anyone. That was between him and Pamela, and he knew it would stay there.

Steady but gradually, Pamela had helped him. Intellectually, Cas knew he wasn’t responsible for the assault, but he needed to acknowledge the truth of what had happened before he could fully accept that he was not to blame. It was the first and most important step on the road to recovery. He still had a long way to go, though.

Pamela taught both Cas and Gabe what to do in case of flashbacks and upsetting memories. Cas learned to pay attention to his body’s danger signals and how to soothe himself in case Gabe wasn’t around.

Cas strolled over to the window and looked at the snow-covered park that peacefully bathed in the light of a full moon. With a sigh, he let his forehead fall against the cool glass, eyes closed. He missed Dean. He missed him so much it almost caused physical pain.

A hand clasped his shoulder gently, and startled him out of his thoughts.

“Call him. It hurts me to see you pining like this Cassie.”

Cas turned to face his brother. Gabe always seemed to know what was going through his head.

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what? He doesn’t hate you, and he sure doesn’t blame you.”

“I know.” Cas shrugged. He looked down at the plush brown carpet beneath his bare feet. “But Dean has abandonment issues, and I didn’t help by pushing him away.”

“The more reason to reach out to him, don’t you think?”

A big sigh left Cas’s chapped lips. “Maybe.” He brushed past his brother and made his way to the kitchen. He had a sudden craving for hot chocolate.

Gabe didn’t follow, and Cas was glad he wasn’t pushing the issue. He needed to decide for himself.

He poured  milk in his favorite mug, and warmed it up in the microwave. When it was done, he broke a few pieces of dark chocolate into the warm liquid and stirred. He put it in the microwave again.

His heart screamed out for Dean. He longed for the man he loved, but he was scared of what he might see in those green eyes. If it was pity, he didn’t think he could deal with it.

The mechanical ping of the microwave sounded loud in the silent kitchen, piercing his thoughts of Dean. He took the mug out and carried it with him to the living room.

Soft, relaxing music played. Gabe must have put a CD in. He settled on the couch with a blanket draped over his legs. Carefully sipping his hot chocolate, his mind drifted back to Dean. He was ready to see him again, but he was afraid. Aside from Anna and Gabe, and a few days ago, Pamela, he couldn’t handle anyone touching him.

He didn’t know how he would react to Dean. As much as Cas longed for Dean to hold him, he wasn’t sure if he would let him. Why was this so hard? He loved Dean. That hadn’t changed. That would never change. As corny as it sounded, Dean was the love of his life. Two weeks ago, everything was fine and the future was bright. Then Ketch came and blew it all to smithereens. He destroyed it with one despicable act.

“No,” Cas mumbled. He could not give that bastard that much power.

“What was that?” Gabe fell into the couch next to him.

Cas looked up and shook his head. “It’s just that…I want to see Dean, but…I don’t know if…”

“Are you afraid he’s gonna expect you to share your bed with him if you invite him over?”

Heat rose to Cas’s cheeks. “Something like that,” he admitted softly. That was one of his concerns. He didn’t think he was ready for that just yet.

Gabe sighed. He reached over to the coffee table with a grunt, and took Cas’s phone. “You see this?” he asked, holding up the device. “That’s your phone. You call Dean-o and tell him to get his gorgeous ass over here. And don’t worry about anything else. I will explain to him the do’s and the don’ts and that he has to sleep in the guest bedroom. He won’t care, little bro. I promise you that he will be on a plane before you even have the chance to hang up.”

“It is one in the morning, Gabe.”

“So? It is three hours earlier in L.A.”

Cas put his mug on the little table between the two couches. Hesitantly, he took his phone from Gabe. With trembling fingers, he scrolled through his contacts. A small smile formed on his lips. Dean had put his number in Cas’s phone and listed it as ‘the luckiest man on the planet’. He looked up at Gabe, who gave him an encouraging nod. Cas took a deep breath and pressed the call button while his heart raged against his ribs.

*

Dean found himself existing, but not fully living. He managed to get through the days without an excessive amount of booze. Charlie and Jo made sure of that. They were both an annoyance and a blessing at the same time.

He felt so many emotions it was hard to keep track. Sometimes they were so overwhelming he thought he would drown in them. It was either sink or swim, and so he swam, but it was fucking exhausting to swim upstream. He finally gave up, and decided it was better to go with the flow and to just let it be.

He had laughed hard – without much humor to it – when Charlie told him to write everything down, to pour out all his feelings on paper. Yeah, right, like he would do that. He wasn’t some school girl with a broken heart. What the hell?

Charlie had planted a seed, though. She knew what she was doing. One evening, he found himself sitting on his desk with pen and paper and he started to write. Once he started, there was no holding back. The floodgates were open, and everything came pouring out. He trusted all his anger and his worry and his pain to the white sheet of lined paper in front of him.

He didn’t realize he had cried until he saw the salty water of his tears smudging the ink. He didn’t care; he couldn’t, not anymore.

Hours later, when he was done, he felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He read through it. The grammar was horrible and his handwriting was hardly recognizable, but that wasn’t the point. He had allowed it all to come out and fuck if it was readable or not. He wasn’t going to show it to anyone, anyway.

He thought it was a good idea to ritually burn it, and almost set fire to his kitchen in the process. The smoke alarms blared through the house.

Jo and Charlie, who had already gone to their room, came running downstairs.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jo yelled, coughing from the thick black cloud of smoke slowly spreading through the living area. She opened the big sliding doors.

“It’s okay. It’s fine, just an accident,” Dean explained.

Charlie brushed past him to look in the sink.

“I see you took my advice after all,” she said with a smirk, pointing to the ashes.

Dean glared at her for a full three seconds. “I swear, if you tell this to anyone I will hunt you down.” He looked at Jo. “And I mean both of you.” If Sam found out about this he would never hear the end of it.

“My lips are sealed,” Charlie said with a gesture to her mouth like she was turning a key.

Jo rolled her eyes. “Let’s clean up this mess and go back to bed.” She suppressed a yawn.

Dean let the girls handle it and went outside. He closed his eyes and deeply inhaled the cool night air. It wasn’t really cold – it never was here in Los Angeles, even at night.

His mind drifted to Cas. His boyfriend was never far from his thoughts. He wondered how he was. According to Sam, he was doing better. With Cas’s permission, Gabe gave regular updates. At least Cas had allowed that much.

His phone vibrated in the pocket of his sweats and played Led Zeppelin at the same time. Dean took it out with a frown. His breath hitched and he thought his eyes deceived him when he saw four words flashing on his screen. Four words he had put there himself: ‘My blue-eyed angel’.

\-----

Dean didn’t think he had ever packed his bags faster in his life. He had called Sam to do everything humanly possible to charter a plane – no matter the cost – that could leave within the hour. He didn’t want to call Crowley for another favor, he owed him enough as it was already, and you could be damn sure his agent would cash in someday.

Dean was still riding the high of Cas’s phone call despite being stuck in ‘a flying coffin’ a little over an hour later. Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. His eyes were closed and his knuckles were turning white from the tight grip on the armrests. He forced himself to replay the phone call in his head, to keep his mind off…well…other things, like being trapped in the air with no way out should this thing go down. No, nope, not going there. Slow inhale, hold, slow exhale, repeat.

Cas had asked him to come to New York. He had sounded…pretty normal actually; calm and collected although Dean had detected a hint of nervousness. They hadn’t had the chance to say much more. Gabe had taken over the phone, telling Dean in annoying detail what to do, what not to do, and what to expect. Even though Cas had asked him to come over, he wasn’t magically cured. Not by a long shot. Dean had rolled his eyes. He wasn’t an idiot.

No touching, and Dean would sleep in the guest bedroom. Basically, let Cas set the pace. Okay, Dean could live with that. He understood. All that mattered was that he was going to be with the man he loved, and he had to trust their love was strong enough to get them through this. Dean was pretty confident it was.

The plane landed around ten thirty New York time. The car Gabe sent was already waiting for him. Half an hour later, he was dropped off at Gabe’s residence. Nerves twisted around in his stomach again when he climbed the concrete steps to the front door. He was deadly afraid and extremely happy at the same time. How was that even possible? The ordeal Cas went through might have changed him, but, deep down, at the very core, Cas would still be the same person he knew and loved. He had to believe that.

The door swung open almost dramatically. Gabe always had a sense of flair; Dean never expected anything else. It made him smile. Some things never changed.

“Dean! Glad you could make it,” Gabriel greeted him enthusiastically and Dean saw that, yes, Gabe meant it. He stepped aside to let Dean in and closed the door. “You can leave your suitcase at the bottom of the stairs. Castiel will show you the guest room later.”

Dean put his travelling bag down, and looked up when he saw movement in the doorway a little down the hall. He gasped at the sight of Cas, dressed in black sweat pants. The familiar t-shirt that once tightly hugged his chest, now hung loose around his body, accentuating his considerable weight loss. Dark circles rested under his big blue eyes, a sign he wasn’t sleeping well. And yet, there was a glint in them; they shone with the water of tears, happy tears as far as Dean could tell.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean felt the corners of his mouth shoot up. He clenched his fists at his sides, fighting the urge to run to Cas, and wrap him in his arms, never to let go again.

“Hi, Cas.”

Cas stared back with a smile of his own. It was faint, hardly visible, but it was there.

Gabe pulled them out of their reverie. “All right, kiddo’s, I have to go. Don’t wait up for me, I probably won’t come home tonight.” He looked from Dean to Cas and back. “Behave,” he said, pointing a finger between both of them. Before he walked out, he leaned to Dean, and whispered “If you hurt him, I will kill you. Got it?”

Dean nodded. “Got it. Don’t worry.”

“Just so we are clear,” Gabe said and went out the door.

\-----

Dean had never been to Gabe’s house before. He had to admit, the man had taste when it came to interior decorating. The living area was one big open space, with only a huge, room length cemented arc separating the dining and living room from the kitchen.

Dean found himself sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of scrambled eggs. He was hungry, but his stomach was knitted so tight together he could hardly eat anything. The silent tension hanging in the air between him and Cas didn’t help much either. He was glad when Cas broke it by saying. “I’m glad you’re here, Dean.”

Dean looked up, slowly chewing on a piece of toast. “I’m glad to be here, Cas,” he said after swallowing. And there was that faint smile again. It wasn’t as much on Cas’s lips as it was in the crinkles around his eyes.

They stared at each other the way only they could. Decades of conversation were spoken in those few seconds.

Cas looked away first. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said, rubbing an imaginary spot on the table surface.

Dean had to fight the urge to reach out and take Cas’s hand. “It’s okay, Cas, you don’t…”

“Dean, please, let me do this.” He looked up again, pleading. “I need to do this.”

Dean nodded. _Let Cas set the pace, whatever he needs_. Gabe’s words echoed through his head.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away,” Cas went on after taking a shivering breath. “I know I hurt you, and I am sorry for that. I’m…can you forgive me?”

“Of course, I do, Cas.” The emotions in Dean’s throat constricted his voice. Why did Cas feel the need to ask for forgiveness? It suddenly hit him. Cas needed to _hear_ him say it instead of just _assuming_ it. And even though Dean felt there was no need for Cas to apologize, he clearly needed to. Again, he had to fight the overwhelming urge to jump up and hold Cas in his arms.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas sounded relieved. Dean was glad he could give him that. He turned his attention back to his food. His eyes fell on Cas’s hand, slowly moving over the table towards his. He held his breath when one finger hesitantly brushed over his knuckles. One finger became two and then Cas’s whole hand covered his, took it, and squeezed.

Dean’s eyes shot up and he released his breath. Cas visibly relaxed and the smile he gave him now wasn’t faint, but radiant. The tension in the air vanished and everything felt lighter. Their eyes locked and held again. Dean clearly saw his love mirrored in Cas’s ocean blue eyes and he knew, in that instant, they were going to be okay.

*

It had taken Cas every ounce of courage he had to touch Dean, deadly afraid it might trigger something. The relief that it didn’t made him insanely happy.

He was glad Dean had given him the time and the space to get over the initial shock. The time they had spent apart had been good for them; he could see that now, and he knew Dean did too.

After breakfast, Cas showed Dean the guest room. He stood in the doorway while Dean put his suitcase in the walk-in closet. “I’ll unpack later,” he said with a toothy smile.

“How long are you staying?” The question was burning on his lips. He hoped it didn’t come out wrong. He just…he needed to know how much time they had together.

“As long as you’ll have me, Cas,” Dean answered softly and took away all his worries. He walked over and came to a stop in front of Cas without crowding into his personal space. “Look, I want you to know, I won’t initiate anything. Not because I don’t want to, but because this is about you and what you’re comfortable with. So, if you want to kiss me, kiss me. If you want to hug me, hug me. Don’t hold back thinking I don’t want to.”

Cas narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. “Even if it takes me forever?”

Dean nodded in earnest. “Even if it takes you forever.”

A grin split Cas’s face in half. He wondered if Dean had any idea how much that meant to him. “I don’t think it will take that long;”

Dean’s face lit up, and for the first time since that horrible night, Cas was confident they were going to get through this. He might not be ready to go past hand holding, but they had taken the first important step on their way back to each other.

\-----

They didn’t go out that day; they didn’t want to. Being in each other’s company, quietly enjoying a turkey sandwich for lunch and just relaxing, was more than enough.

The Christmas tree with its playful blinking lights, guarding a few colorfully wrapped presents. The fire raging in the fireplace, radiating a comfortable warmth. The soft music playing in the background. It all breathed a domestic feeling. Cas wrapped himself in it.

“This is nice.”

“Yes, it is,” Dean agreed. He took a bite from his sandwich.

“I’m going to sell the penthouse, Dean.” Cas looked down at the plate in his lap and took calming breaths. He knew talking about the penthouse where everything happened, was one of his triggers. Dean, however, needed to know; he needed to know everything. One step at a time though, and talking about putting his home up for sale was a good place to start. He slowly let his gaze slide up to Dean’s face. He was met with a pair of soft green eyes. “I can’t go there anymore.”

“It’s okay, Cas. I understand.” Dean put his empty plate on the coffee table. “You need to do what you feel is best for you.”

Cas nodded. He looked from Dean’s face back to the plate still sitting in his lap. He was glad Dean didn’t push him or ask questions he didn’t have an answer to, or not yet anyway.

Talking about it was easier than he thought it would be. It didn’t really trigger anything like he was afraid it would. It gave him the courage to go on. The sooner Dean knew everything, the sooner they could move on from this and leave it all behind, in the past where it belonged.

“The DA offered Ketch a deal.” He flinched slightly at the name, but it wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Pamela had encouraged him to say the name out loud. At first, he couldn’t do it. But Pamela had guided him through it, and gradually he was able to say it without sailing to the edge of a panic attack.

He looked back up at Dean to measure his reaction. There was nothing but understanding written on his face. No judgment, no disbelief.

“The evidence they gathered against him was so overwhelming there was no way out for him,” Cas went on. “I’m glad a deal was made. I don’t want this to go to trial, Dean. It would turn into a media circus.” He stood up with a sigh and took their plates to the kitchen.

Dean quietly followed him.

“I meant what I said before, Cas. You need to do what you feel is best for you and whatever that is, I will back you up, always.”

Cas nodded without turning around. He turned on the water to rinse the bread crumbs from the plates and put them in the dishwater. He knew Dean would always have his back, no matter what. But it was nice to hear him say it out loud.

“Three years in prison with a chance of parole after one year,” Cas elaborated. “It’s not much. He deserves a hell of a lot more.” He went over to the fridge and took out a couple of beers. He opened them and handed one to Dean, then brushed past him and went back to the living room where he fell into the couch. “The thought that he might be out in a year makes me sick to my stomach.” He put his beer bottle down and went with his hands over his face.

“Cas.” Dean gently laid his free hand on Cas’s arm. “Yes, Ketch will probably get out in a year, but, remember, he will be registered as a sex offender and one wrong move will land him back behind bars.” He swallowed. “Does that make it right? No, it doesn’t. No punishment is harsh enough for what he did to you. I wanna kill him, Cas, God help me, I do. He took something from you that night. But, look at you. You are so strong. You have already come a very long way in only ten days’ time.”

“Thanks to my therapist.”

“She guided you through it, but it was you who had to do it. Don’t sell yourself short here.”

Cas looked up at him. Again, he did not see pity in those beautiful green eyes, but understanding and love, a whole lot of love. Dean didn’t speak the words, but his actions said more than enough. He was there for him, took care of him. It’s what he did; it’s who he was. Cas considered himself lucky, as so many time before, to have this amazing man in his life. He reached out and pressed his palm against Dean’s cheek, enjoying the prickling of his stubble underneath his hand. With his thumb, he brushed those glistening full lips. One hesitant second, he wanted to lean in and kiss him. He didn’t.

Cas let his hand slide to Dean’s shoulder, over his clothed chest to his thigh and finally moved his hand away. “How about a movie to keep my mind from all of his?”

Dean smiled. “I’m all for it.”

“Great. You pick out a movie; I’ll make the popcorn.” He jumped up and disappeared to the kitchen asking himself why the hell he didn’t kiss Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Thursday with some more fluff and a bit of angst.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and slight angst ahead.

 

Just like his bed at home, this one felt too big, too empty, too _cold_. Dean missed Cas’s warm body wrapped around his. He missed the lips pressed against the back of his neck in a sweet morning kiss; he missed Cas’s sleepy face and his unruly bed hair as the first things he saw after waking up.

Dean chased sleep and just when he had almost caught it, a scream pierced the silence of the house. His eyes snapped open, and he jumped up. A bit disoriented, he looked around the room lit only by the light of a street lamp seeping through the curtains. Another scream sounded, and Dean bolted in the direction the sound came from. It could only be Cas, and he was probably caught in a nightmare.

His instincts were right. In the dim light from the hall, he could see Cas was shaking in his bed. Broken pleas of ‘no’ and ‘don’t’ left his mouth while his head thrashed on the pillow.

Dean darted in. He stood beside the bed and, as gently as he could, he tried to wake Cas up.

With a final scream, Cas snapped out of it. He sat up, breathing heavily, eyes wide with terror and shining with tears. He seemed to look right through Dean, and Dean sensed he was on the verge of a panic attack. Softly, he grabbed Cas’s upper arms. “It’s okay, it was just a dream, it wasn’t real. You hear me, Cas? Look at me, baby, come on.”

Cas blinked, still breathing like he just ran a marathon. He looked up at Dean like he was just seeing him.

“That’s it, Cas. I’m right here. You’re safe,” Dean continued in a soothing voice. “Now breathe with me.” He guided Cas through it. With every deep inhale and slow exhale, Cas relaxed until he was fully calm again.

Dean reluctantly released his arms. He wanted to keep touching Cas, feeling him, _holding_ him. He pushed down the urge. “You need anything? Water? Something to eat?”

Cas averted his eyes and looked at his hands in his lap. “I, ehm, I always make some chamomile tea with a spoonful of honey when I’ve had a bad dream. It helps me to stay calm and fall back to sleep.” He looked up. “But you don’t have to…”

“Cas, I want to. Where do I find the tea?”

“In the cupboard above the sink.”

“Okay.” Dean stood up. “I’ll be right back.” He jogged out of the room.

In the kitchen he filled a mug with water and put it in the microwave. He found the tea where Cas had told him, along with the honey.

Dean was glad he had been able to avert a major panic attack. Gabe had told him about the nightmares and how to handle it.

The microwave beeping interrupted his thoughts. He took the mug out and stirred, then put it back in again for a few more seconds to make sure the water was hot enough.

A sound behind him made him turn around. Cas walked into the kitchen with bare feet, looking disheveled and, despite everything, adorable.

“Hey.” Dean gave him a smile. “You didn’t have to come down.”

Cas sank down at the table. “I know, but…” He sighed deeply. “Dean, we need to talk.”

Dean swallowed. A bundle of nerves settled in his stomach. Cas wasn’t going to push him away again, was he? Please, God, no. He was grateful for the beeping of the microwave so he could turn his attention back to making the tea.

He took the mug out. Steam rose from it, and Dean placed a teabag in the water. Together with the honey and a spoon, he placed it on the table in front of Cas. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what was to come, he leaned against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed. “What is it?”

Cas took the honey and quietly stirred some through the tea. “I need to tell you what happened,” he whispered. There was shame and a hint of guilt in the words.

Dean’s heart ached. This had to be hard for Cas, but he needed to let him talk about it.

In a rush of softly spoken words and broken sobs, Dean got the whole story. He had to swallow several times around a lump in his throat. Tears slipped from his eyes and wetted his cheeks at the injustice that had been done to Cas. The initial anger he had felt when he first heard about the rape flared up again like a fire fueled with oil.

“Pamela helped me work through the feelings of guilt and I know now it was not my fault, but, still, I’m damaged, Dean.”

“What?” Dean furiously shook his head. “No, Cas, don’t ever think that.”

“I’m tainted,” Cas whispered, eyes cast down on the floor.

Dean pushed himself away from the counter. “Cas, don’t.” He went over to Cas and crouched down in front of him. He wasn’t going to let Cas do this. He wasn’t going to let him spiral into those negative feelings again, not after all the hard work to get through them.

He put his hands on Cas’s thighs. “Look at me.”

Cas hesitantly met his eyes, two dark pools of navy blue, glistening with unshed tears.

“You are _not_ damaged and you are _not_ tainted, and even if you were, I love you, damn it.” The words were out before he even realized it.

Cas’s eyes widened for a second. Then he frowned and tilted his head in confusion.

Once Dean got over his initial surprise at what he had just blurted out, a smile formed on his lips. “You know that words spoken unconsciously hold more truth than the ones spoken when thinking about it first, right?” he said sheepishly. With his hands still on Cas’s thighs, he pushed himself up with a groan. His legs were starting to hurt from crouching. He stretched to loosen up the muscles.

Cas stood up as well. “Yes, I do know that,” and before Dean knew what was happening, Cas pulled him into a hug, making another huge step in the right direction.

\-----

They did some Christmas shopping the next day and grabbed lunch along the way. After dropping off the wrapped presents at the house, they went to the park and got engaged in a snowball fight. They didn’t go back inside until it started snowing again.

In their room, they changed into comfortable sweats and went downstairs. They pushed the coffee table to the side, put a duvet on the thick carpet, and retrieved some cushions and blankets. Dean made two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, and they bunked in front of the T.V. and fireplace.

With their backs against the couch, they watched Christmas movies on DVD. Gabe dropped by, telling them he was going to stay with Kali – his newest girlfriend – but would be back before Christmas.

“You can always invite your brother and his wife over,” he told Dean.

“Thanks, but I doubt Jess is gonna want to travel this late in the pregnancy. I’ll ask them though.”

“Okay. You kids have fun,” Gabe said, and out the door he went.

Cas let his head fall back against the couch and chuckled. “He’ll never change.”

“Do you even want him to change, Cas?” Dean asked, amusement clear in his voice.

“No, I guess not. I like my brother just the way he is.” He rolled his head to the side to look at Dean. Their noses almost brushed. His face was so close, Dean could feel the warmth of his breath caressing his face. Blue eyes flicked to his mouth. He came closer and captured his bottom lip, gently, tenderly.

It was a chaste kiss, closed-mouthed, yet intimate. There was a love behind it that transcended everything about love Dean ever thought he knew. It was almost too much to take.

With his mouth still against his, Cas started to shake with sobs. He let his head fall against Dean’s shoulder and wetted his shirt with tears.

“Hey, it’s okay, baby. I got you,” Dean said, rocking Cas gently in his arms. “I completely understand if you’re not ready…”

“No.” Cas pulled his head back to look at him.

“Cas, what…” The rest of his sentence was swallowed by Cas who crashed his mouth to his lips. This time, the kiss was more passionate and desperate. They needed this. They needed it like they needed air; like they needed water in order to survive.

It wasn’t about sex, not by a long shot. It was about them being together and just… _being_. If heavy make out sessions was all he got for the rest of his life, Dean would totally be okay with that. He didn’t need sex to know Cas loved him or to show Cas he loved him just as much. Physical intimacy didn’t mean anything to him anymore without that four-letter word.

*

Cas had crossed another hurdle in the ‘being comfortable with Dean again’ department. It was a huge deal for him.

Talking about the assault had been very hard for him, especially the part where he had to tell Dean that, despite the horrible experience, he had orgasmed.

Dean had been very understanding about the whole thing. Cas hadn’t expected anything else from him. It was just the way Dean was. It was in his nature to take care of people, especially the ones he truly loved.

Cas fell asleep with his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. A light stroke over his cheek woke him. He looked up at soft green eyes. The flames in the fireplace cast dancing shadows on Dean’s gorgeous face. “As much as I like this, Cas, you are laying in an awkward angle here. You better go to bed if you don’t want to have some serious pain in your neck tomorrow,” he whispered.

Cas shuffled down until he was lying flat on the duvet and turned to his side. He didn’t want to leave this comforting cocoon. It was nice and warm here underneath the pile of blankets. “Hmmm gonna stay right here,” he mumbled.

“Okay, then.” Velvety lip pressed to his temple in a tender kiss. “Goodnight, babe.” Dean stood up and walked away.

Cas snapped his eyes open. “Where’re you going?”

Dean stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around with a slight frown. “I’m going to bed, Cas.” He sounded as confused as he looked.

“Please, stay.”

“Ehm…”

“Dean, please.” Cas was determined. “I want you here with me. I need you to hold me, just to hold me.”  

Dean took a deep breath and slowly released it. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am. Come here.”

The corners of Dean’s mouth moved up in a smile. He walked back and laid down beside Cas.

Cas turned to his other side and slid backwards until he felt Dean’s chest pressed against his back.

Dean hesitantly slung an arm around his waist. Cas took his hand and tangled their fingers together. This felt good. This felt _right_. “Now get some sleep.”

There was a chuckle and a kiss at the back of his neck. “Night, Cas.”

\-----

Cas opened his eyes and was surprised it was already morning. The grey light of dawn announced another cold winter’s day with the promise of snow in the air. It was the first time in two weeks that he had slept so good without nightmares haunting him.

The fire had died down, leaving only some smoldering cinders waiting to be poked up again. Faint sounds of cars rushing by penetrated the house and almost lulled him back to sleep again until he felt something hard pressing against his ass cheeks. Immediately the muscles in his body tensed. A flashback came crashing down on him. He recognized all the signs of an upcoming panic attack.

He closed his eyes and practiced the self-soothing techniques Pamela had taught him until he fully realized he was safe. It was just Dean holding him and sporting some serious morning wood. Cas couldn’t hold it against him. He was the one who had asked Dean to stay.

Slowly he relaxed again and then noticed, to his surprise, he was started to grow hard in his boxers. It was the first time this had happened since the assault. It didn’t mean he was ready to have sex yet, just that he was still able to get aroused and, as strange as it sounded, he was relieved about it. He made a mental note to talk to Pamela about it at his next session.

Behind him, Dean stirred. Then he scrambled back and the warmth of his body was gone.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so, so sorry.”

Cas turned towards him and sat up. The horrified expression on Dean’s face mixed with a hint of guilt in his wide eyes, and Cas felt sorry for him.

“Dean, it’s okay,” he tried to reassure him. He reached out his hand. “Come back here.”

Dean clenched his fists at his sides. He still looked shaken up and…ashamed, like he had an erection on purpose.

Cas realized there was only one way to show him he didn’t care. He got up so Dean could see the bulge in his own pants.

Dean inhaled a sharp breath. His eyes widened even more. “Cas, I’m…I’m…”

“This doesn’t mean I want to have sex, Dean. Just that everything is functioning properly down there and it’s another sign I’m healing from the emotional wounds Ketch inflicted on me.” Cas was glad he didn’t even flinch at saying the name of his attacker anymore.

A hesitant smile formed on Dean’s mouth. He visibly relaxed and wiped away his shocked expression.

Cas mirrored his smile. “Now get back here.”

Dean took a few steps forward and cupped his face. “I love you so much.”

The sincerity in his eyes almost made Cas choke up with tears. They shared a sweet morning kiss, and then Cas made a bold move. He pressed their erections together and gently bucked his hips.

Dean moaned in his mouth, and Cas deepened the kiss. It didn’t trigger anything and it dawned on him he wanted this; he _needed_ this.

Their movements became more erratic, rubbing, creating friction through the fabric of their pants. It felt good. It felt so fucking good.

The warmth of an orgasm started to build up in Cas’s stomach. There was no turning back now, no stopping this. He tipped over the edge with a cry, spilling his release in his sweat pants.

Dean was right behind him, whining his name between two intakes of breath and holding him tight through it all.

Cas stiffened in Dean’s arms. His orgasm was a major trigger. Suddenly he was back at his penthouse, fighting against his restraints.

 _“I always knew you didn’t really love Dean. If you did, I wouldn’t have been able to make you come like you did.”_ _Ketch said with a sly smile and an awful smirk._

_Overwhelming guilt washed over Cas. Dean was going to hate him, he was never going to want to see him again. Ketch was right, if he truly loved Dean, he wouldn’t have orgasmed._

_He heard water running in the bathroom and was horrified when he felt something leaking from his hole. That bastard didn’t even wear a condom. He started sobbing._

_“Don’t be a whiny little bitch now, admit that you loved it. You are mine now.” Ketch freed him and he hardly noticed it until he was long gone._

_He needed to call Dean. He needed to apologize to him for what he’d done. It wouldn’t do any good, Dean would never forgive him, but, he had to apologize at the least._

“I’m…sorry…Dean. I’m so…so…sorry.”

“Cas, snap out of it, come on.”

Wait, that wasn’t right, Dean didn’t say that. Something was wrong.

“Look at me. Cas, look at me.”

How could he look at him through the phone?

“It’s not real, baby, it’s a bad memory, it’s not real. Look around you. Just, look around, you’re safe.” He sounded loving and calm and so much closer than he could through the phone.

Breathing heavy and with tears streaming over his cheeks, Cas looked around. The surroundings changed; the sounds from the penthouse that night faded away and were replaced by other sounds. There was a fireplace and a flat screen T.V above it.

Cas carefully shifted his gaze around. He wasn’t in his penthouse. He was at Gabe’s. He was safe. He looked up at familiar green eyes, filled with worry.

“That’s it, Cas. Now breathe with me, okay? Just like you were taught, just like we did last time.”

Once Cas calmed down again, Dean sagged to the duvet with him, holding him, comforting him.

They sat there for a while, Dean’s arms safely around him. Dean’s chin rested on the top of Cas’s head, and he told him over and over he would never let anything bad happen to him again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next week with more fluff


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff guys.

 

They didn’t leave their improvised campsite in front of the fire unless they needed to fix something to eat, take a shower, or change clothes.

After their unexpected dry humping session and the major panic attack that had followed, nothing else sexual happened. The road to recovery was still long, and Cas wasn’t there yet. Dean knew it was a slow process, but he also knew they would come out of this ordeal a lot stronger in the end.

As suspected, Jess didn’t want to fly this late in the pregnancy. This would be Dean’s first Christmas in years without his brother. It didn’t bother him, not really. He had Cas by his side and that was enough.

John graced him with a phone call, and again Dean was floored at the effort the man made in being a father like Dean had requested. He did hint around to find out Dean’s whereabouts though. Dean was blatant about it. He was with Cas in New York, they were staying at Gabe’s and yes, they were going to spend the holidays here.

“That was a pretty brave thing to do, Dean. Telling your dad you’re here with me.” Cas played with the remote in his hands. He had paused the DVD when Dean’s phone rang. “What if he suspects something?”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t give a flying fuck what he thinks or suspects anymore.” He threw his phone to the side and crawled on hands and knees to Cas. He surged forward and kissed the surprise from his face. “I love you and if he can’t live with that, that’s his problem, not mine.” And with that, Dean made another huge leap forward into self-acceptance and his love for Cas.

\-----

Christmas Eve was spent in peace and quiet with soft carols and cheesy Christmas movies. They exchanged a few presents, things they wanted to give each other in private without anyone else around.

Dean got Cas matching bracelets with an infinity sign and their names engraved inside.

In return, Cas gave Dean his birth stone shaped into a heart hanging on a white gold chain. Dean loved it.

After spending another night on the duvet on the floor, they broke up camp. They started preparing Christmas dinner after breakfast.

As promised, Gabe came home and helped them. He told them he had only invited one guest, besides Anna, and that was Kali. He hoped they didn’t mind.

“Of course not, Gabe. I would love to meet her.” Cas glanced at Dean with a smirk and then turned back to his brother. “So, are you getting serious?”

Dean hid his snort of laughter with a cough.

“Ho there now, little bro. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just because I invited her over for Christmas dinner doesn’t mean you can start planning a wedding.”

“Okay. Fair enough,” Cas deadpanned and Dean was glad he dropped the subject so easily. He was not in the mood to witness bantering about marriage between the two brothers.

Anna arrived in the afternoon and the four of them got some time to talk about Cas’s situation and how he was doing before Kali arrived.

It was a relaxing Christmas meal and they all helped clean up before plopping on the couch to talk some more while the T.V played in the background.

Anna called it a night a little after midnight. She stayed over and retired to her room. Kali and Gabe soon followed, leaving Dean and Cas alone on the couch.

Dean didn’t know what to do. He and Cas had spent the last few nights together on the duvet, but that was different than actually sharing a bed together, wasn’t it?

“Too bad we had to break up our camp,” he said, hoping for a response from Cas about their sleeping arrangements.

“Yes, it is.” Cas agreed. “We can always put it back after the guests are gone tomorrow.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “With Gabe around?”

“I’m pretty sure Gabe is going to stay with Kali.”

“Really? It’s very nice of him to give us some time alone considering this is his house.”

Cas busted out in a series of chuckles. “Trust me, his reasons are very selfish. He doesn’t care where he stays, as long as he has his privacy, and he isn’t going to get it here.”

“Well then.” Dean pressed a kiss on Cas’s temple. “We can set up camp again tomorrow.” He stretched while suppressing a yawn.

“We should go to sleep, Dean. You’re obviously tired.” Cas got up and started turning off the  lights before going up the stairs.

In front of Cas’s room, Dean cupped Cas’s face and put their lips together. “Goodnight, Cas,” he whispered.

Just as he turned around to go to his room, long fingers wrapped around his wrist to stop him. “Dean, what are you doing?”

Dean swallowed. “Ehm, going to my room?”

Confusion glided over Cas’s face. “Did you really think I would let you sleep alone after all the nights we spent together?”

“You won’t?” Relief washed through him.

“No, I won’t. Now get in bed already.”

A wide grin broke onto Dean’s face. This was an order he gladly followed.

\-----

A few things surfaced in the days between Christmas and the New Year.

First of all, Cas got a clean bill of health. He couldn’t be happier about it since Ketch hadn’t used protection. It was a huge relief he hadn’t gotten any STDs as a horrible reminder of that night.

And secondly, they found out the picture of them having sex in the Impala, was taken and afterwards sold to the tabloids by Ketch. It made sense. As their bodyguard he had access to the set. He had wanted to cause trouble between them, to break them up and then be there for Cas as a shoulder to cry on. That didn’t work because the picture was debunked by Sam as a fabrication. When Cas and Dean were able to keep their relationship a secret from the world, Ketch forced himself on Cas.

“So much for the security at your old place, huh?” Dean said when Cas told him the information he’d gotten from his lawyer. “What good is security if anyone can sneak past them.”

“The security guard was a newbie. The man who was training him was called to a family emergency and he was left alone for a while. Ketch probably saw his chance when he had a very urgent bathroom break. He didn’t even know he was up there. That is why there are always two guards present. Under no circumstances should the front desk be left unmanned.”

“Well, I hope they got fired.” Dean’s voice was bitter.

Cas nodded. “They were. I feel sorry for them, though. We all make mistakes, Dean.”

Dean frowned at him. “Are you serious right now, Cas? This was not just a mistake. This could have cost you your life; hell, it nearly did.”

“Nothing can change what happened,” Cas said with a sigh. “What is done, is done. Even if Ketch was announced, I would have let him come up. I didn’t have any reason to be suspicious, you know?”

“Yeah, I know that, but they got exactly what they deserved and don’t let me ever hear you say otherwise.” Dean took his boyfriend’s chin and made Cas look at him. “I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you, Cas.”

“But you didn’t lose me.” Cas cupped his face. “Like it or not, Dean, you are stuck with me, forever.”

Dean chuckled. “That’s a pretty long time, Cas. Are you sure ‘bout that?”

“Very sure.” Cas surged forward and nibbled his lips. “I wouldn’t want it otherwise.”

\-----

They didn’t go out to celebrate New Year’s Eve. They stayed in their comfortable spot in front of the fireplace, away from the masses, drinking Champagne and watching the famous ball drop in Times Square on T.V.

At the stroke of twelve, they bid farewell to the departing year with a passionate kiss that became heated with every passing second.

Cas slid his hands past the waistband of Dean’s sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around his half hard dick. He grew harder underneath Cas’s gentle touch.

A thumb smeared the precome over the head and made Dean gasp. “Babe…”

“Shhhhh.” Cas removed his hand and brought his thumb up to Dean’s lips. Dean sucked the digit inside and tasted his own salty fluids which amped up his arousal.

Cas moved to a sitting position on his knees. He pulled his shirt out over his head and threw it aside. “Touch me, Dean,” he whispered, his mouth against Dean’s; breath hot against his lips, as Dean mirrored his kneeling position.

Dean’s hands trembled slightly as he let them slide over Cas’s arms. With hesitant movements he pushed the sweatpants down. Cas’s hard cock bopped free and Dean took him in his hand, his eyes never leaving Cas’s face, prepared for any change in his expression that might warn him to stop. There wasn’t any. There was only elation written on his face and a storm waiting to happen in his blue eyes.

Dean started stroking. His name left Cas’s lips around a moan, like a prayer. With his hands on Dean’s shoulders, digging the fingernails in the flesh, scratching marks over the tender skin, Cas bucked his hips and fucked Dean’s hand. His eyes fluttered closed as he let his head fall back. He was so beautiful like this.

Dean’s own cock was heavy and hard between his legs, leaking precome. He shuffled closer to Cas to take both their dicks in his hand.

They traded sloppy kisses around moans of pleasure as they rode the waves of ecstasy together.

Warm, sticky liquid flooded Dean’s hand, accompanied by Cas crying out his name. It was enough to make Dean tip over the edge as well.

Their semen mixed and dripped from Dean’s hand to the colorful duvet underneath them.

Cas’s head fell onto Dean’s shoulder as he came down from his height, his chest heaving for air.

When their breathing returned to normal, Cas looked at him with a smile. “Happy New Year, Dean.”

“Happy New Year, Cas,” Dean smiled back and crashed their lips together.

Since the Duvet was ruined by the wet spots from their sexual encounter, Dean and Cas didn’t return to their improvised camping place. Instead they plopped into bed together after cleaning themselves up, happily falling asleep in each other’s arms.

*

Cas’s penthouse was sold later that week for a decent price.

“Well, I guess I’m homeless now,” he said with a melancholic chuckle. It was a big part of his life he just got rid of.

Dean kicked up the freshly fallen snow that crunched underneath their feet as they walked through the park. “You’re not homeless, Cas. You can always stay with me.” The arm around Cas’s shoulder tightened. “So, why don’t you? Stay with me, I mean, when you’re ready to go back to L.A.”

Cas smiled as he looked at his snow-covered boots. “Dean Winchester, did you just ask me to move in with you?”

“Well.” Dean stopped and turned to face him. “I guess I just did.” He giggled shyly, surged forward, and stole a swift kiss. His lips were warm and sensual on his mouth.

“Dean.” Cas put his gloved hand on Dean’s cheek. He tilted his head and felt the sting of tears in his eyes, tears of both joy and sorrow. “As much as I want to say yes, I can’t.”

Dean blinked in surprise. He obviously didn’t expect that answer. A frown of confusion appeared between his brows. “Why not?”

Cas sighed deeply. His breath formed a cloud in the cool winter’s air. “Ever since the assault, I have not been alone. I need to learn how to stand on my own again, Dean, to be independent. I need to prove to myself that I can. Do you understand?”

Dean bowed his head and let out the smallest of laughs. It sounded sad. “Yeah, I do, Cas.”

“Also know that it is you who gives me that strength, the strength to face my fears of being alone. Once I can do that, ask me again.”

“Would you say yes then?”

Cas smiled. “I probably would.”

The gloomy features on Dean’s face lightened up. He pulled him in his arms. “Then I’ll wait, Cas. I’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes.”

*

They stayed in New-York for another two weeks, until Dean got a phone call from a very excited Sam. Jess had just given birth to a healthy baby girl.

It took a few moments before the words registered in Dean’s brain. “Oh. Ooooooh. Oh my God, I’m…I’m on my way.” He hung up without congratulating the brand new daddy.

“It’s a girl.” He looked at Cas as if he still couldn’t believe it. He broke into a wide grin. “It’s a girl, Cas.”

“Yes, Dean. I heard you the first time,” Cas laughed and pulled Dean in his arms in a tight hug.

Suddenly, Dean remembered something that turned his smile into a sad expression. “I can’t go.”

Cas’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about? Of course you can.”

“No.” Dean furiously shook his head. “I’m not gonna leave you.” He was adamant about it. His brother was important to him but Cas was his first priority. As much as he wanted to see his niece, he wasn’t going to leave Cas when he still needed him.

“You are not leaving me, Dean. I’m coming with you.”

“Ehm…what?” Did he hear that right? Was Cas ready for this?

“I have to go back to L.A. someday, Dean. I can’t hide here forever, especially not with the upcoming promotion tour. There is no better excuse than the birth of your niece to go back.”

“You are so amazing,” Dean mumbled and wrapped his arms around Cas. “But you don’t have a place to stay yet.”

“Well, I can always stay with you until I find something. If the offer still stands.”

“If the…” Dean cut off his own words and cupped Cas’s face, pulling their mouths together in a heated kiss. “Of course, you idiot,” he said when they came up for air. “Now let’s go pack our bags and call Crowley to see if the jet is available.”

\-----

Jess delivered the baby in the comfort of her own bedroom at home. That made it easier for Cas and Dean to avoid the press since they didn’t have to sneak into the hospital through some back door.

Eight long hours later, Dean was rocking a little bundle of joy in his arms. “Oh, Cas, look, we have a baby.” His eyes filled up with tears. It was so overwhelming.

“Ehm, for the record, Dean, she’s not yours, she’s mine,” Jessica said with a giggle from her place in the bed. For someone who had brought new life to this word only twelve hours ago, she looked tired but remarkably good.

“Oh shut up. I’m her uncle and I’m gonna spoil her rotten.” He looked at the baby and cooed, “I’m gonna spoil you. Oh yes I am. We are going to have so much fun when you come over for a visit.”

Sam walked in the room, chuckling. “We better watch him, sweetheart. He might kidnap our daughter.” He plopped on the bed next to his wife.

“She’s beautiful Jess,” Cas said looking over Dean’s shoulder at Haylee.

Sam gestured at his little girl. “Hey, I had something to do with that too, you know.”

“Of course you did.” Jess pressed a kiss on Sam’s cheek. “But you’ll have to admit she looks like me.”

Dean’s eyes went from the baby to Jess and Sam and back. “Sorry, Sammy, but Jess is right, Haylee does look like her.” He began cooing again. “Yes, you do. You look exactly like your mommy, don’t you, little princess?”

Sam rolled his eyes and Jessica suppressed a yawn with the back of her hand.

“Okay, uncle Dean. I think it’s time to give mommy and the baby some rest.” Sam jumped up and took Haylee from his brother’s arms. He tenderly put her in the crib beside the bed. Once he made sure both his wife and his daughter were comfortable, he led Dean and Cas out of the room and quietly shut the door.

In the living room Sam offered  them glass of Champagne to celebrate the birth of his first child.

“To many more,” Cas said.

“Hell, I’ll drink to that.” Dean clinked their glasses together and took a sip.

“Wow, guys, take it easy. Let’s just see how we do with this one first. Besides, I don’t think Jess is quite ready to go through another birth any time soon.” He pulled a face. “It looked painful.”

Cas nodded. “Yes, they say it is. Studies prove men can’t handle that kind of pain. But it is also said that it is a pain most women tend to easily forget.”

“Makes sense,” Dean said with a shrug. “I mean, think about it. If it really is that awful, there wouldn’t be any more babies born.”

Sam glanced at the clock. “Listen, guys, dad said he would be here at five. You don’t have to leave but I just thought I’d warn you considering the way you reacted when I invited him over at Thanksgiving.” He looked at Dean with a hint of guilt in his eyes.

Dean sighed deeply. “What’s done is done, Sam.” He grabbed Cas’s hand. “I’m not gonna run away. I’m done hiding my love for Cas from him.” Once the words had left his mouth, he grew more confident he was making the right decision. His dad could go screw himself for all he cared. If he would cut him out of his life over this, so be it. Dean didn’t need him.

“Dean, I don’t think it is such a good idea.” Cas’s hand tightened around his. “Not here in Sam’s house and with Jessica and the baby. This should be a peaceful time for them.”

Dean blinked and drew his brows together in a frown. He thought about it and had to admit maybe Cas was right. This wasn’t the time or the place. But damn it, he was so done with all the drama. His tongue darted out and wetted his lips. No. No, he wasn’t going to back down. He opened his mouth, but Cas cut him off. “Please, Dean. Let’s just go. I don’t want,…I don’t want him…”

“Cas, I don’t think he’s gonna react the way he did 22 years ago…” Too late he realized he had said too much. Sam didn’t know that little fact yet. His mouth snapped closed and he threw Sam a horrified look.

“Wait, hold on.” Sam warily eyed his brother. “What happened 22 years ago?”

 _Fuck._ Dean couldn’t tell him. If he did, Sam would be livid and deny their father access to his house and his granddaughter. It would ruin their relationship and wasn’t that exactly the reason he had never told his brother about this?

“Sammy, just…leave it, okay?”

“No, Dean, I’m not gonna leave it.” Sam shook his head. “Tell me.”

Dean knew his brother wouldn’t let this go. He ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay. Listen. I will tell you, but not here and not now.”

“Dean, no…”

“Sammy, please. Trust me on this. It really, _really_ is not the time and certainly not the place.” He looked at Cas. “And Cas is right. We should go because, yeah, it’s not the time or the place for _that_ either.” He downed the last bit of Champagne in his glass and dragged Cas to the door followed by a heavily protesting Sam.

At the front doorstep, Dean hugged his brother, both as a goodbye and to shut him up. “Tell Jess goodbye and kiss my niece for me. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He quickly left. _Fucking hell_. When did this turn into such a mess?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week, a bit of a time jump and the premiere of their movie.


	22. Chapter 22

 

A week after the birth of Haylee, Dean celebrated his 39th birthday with, what else, burgers and lots of pie.

Since the weather was nice, not too hot and not too cold, they ate outside. When the sun had disappeared completely behind the horizon curve, it became too chilly and they moved the party inside.

Only Jo, Charlie and Sam joined them. Haylee was barely one week old, so it was too soon to take her out. At least, it was according to Jess. Besides, Jess was tired. Since she was breastfeeding, there was no way Sam could take over the midnight feedings.

“She can always try pumping her milk,” Jo suggested. “That way you can feed her at night.”

“Yeah, I know, I told her that. We’re thinking about it.”

As much as Dean loved talking about breast feeding and babies, he craved some pie. He jumped up from his place on the couch and strolled over to the kitchen, still chuckling at something Charlie said.

At eleven, Charlie and Jo left, leaving Sam alone with Cas and Dean. Dean just knew why his brother stayed. He still wanted to know what had happened 22 years ago. It was time Dean told him about it. Sam deserved to know.

“I’m going to kill him,” Sam said through gritted teeth when Dean finished the story. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me this before?”

“To avoid this reaction, for starters. Besides, you were only twelve at the time, Sammy.”

“You could have told me when I was older.”

Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “And what good would that have done?”

“I would have understood better what it was between you two and I certainly wouldn’t have invited him over at Thanksgiving. No wonder you freaked out.”

“Something good came out of it.” Dean took Cas’s hand and pulled it in his lap. “Dad and I are on speaking terms again. The only hurdle I still have to cross is telling him about me and Cas.”

Sam’s face turned white. “Are you sure that’s a good idea considering what he did? I mean, Jesus, Dean. If I had only known. I never knew it was that bad.”

“Sammy, it’s fine. It’s ancient history. Dad may yell at me for being with Cas, but I doubt he’s gonna beat me up again over it.”

“I hope so.” Sam glanced at his watch, and got up with a sigh. “I need to get home to Jess. I promised I would be home before she finished Haylee’s last feeding at midnight.”

Cas and Dean walked Sam to his car. He got in and turned on the engine.

Dean leaned over at the open car window. “Please, Sammy, don’t keep dad from seeing your daughter, okay? His beef is with me, not with you. He’s very proud of you. What happened has nothing to do with you.”

“I’ll try, Dean. It’s not gonna be easy though. He beat you up.”

“I know, I know, but that was a long time ago.” He straightened and took a step back from the car. “Go now. Jess is waiting.”

Sam drove off with a last goodbye as Dean wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist and pulled him close, staring at the car as it disappeared from view.

*

Cas stayed with Dean for three more weeks until he found a place of his own. It was a fully furnished modern house worthy of a movie star and it provided enough privacy to do as he pleased in his own back yard. Everything was arranged very discretely so no one knew he lived there.

Eventually people would find out, but for now he didn’t have to worry about that. After that blurry picture of sex in the Impala, the media had found something else to gossip about, so things were pretty quiet. That would all change once their promotion tour started. Cas didn’t hold any illusions about that.

It was…weird being alone again. Apart from that one horrendous night, he hadn’t been alone since Vancouver. Not that he was afraid. Ketch was safely behind bars and the security of this place was tight, it was just…he wasn’t used to it anymore and he really missed Dean by his side. He had to do this though. He _needed_ to do this.

Cas and Dean talked on the phone every morning after they woke up and every night before they went to bed. They were together during the weekend and enjoyed the peace and the quiet while it lasted.

As the day of the world premiere grew nearer, both Cas and Dean were on edge and they often took it out on each other. It was nothing major, just little arguments and disagreements about minor things they wouldn’t even argue about otherwise. They managed not to let it get out of hand, but things were a bit tense between them.

Everything came to a boiling point when Jo pulled her latest stunt. The day before the premiere, she graced the cover of every tabloid in Hollywood in a heated kiss with Charlie. Inside was a whole article about how she and Charlie were dating and that they had been for quite some time.

“Fucking hell,” Dean screamed through the phone when he called Cas with the news. Cas winced at the loud voice booming in his ear. “What the hell was she thinking?”

“Don’t yell at me, Dean. I have nothing to do with it. And you know what? I’m glad it’s out.”

“What? You can’t possibly be serious.”

“I am very serious. What are you so worried about anyway?”

Dean gasped. “Are you kidding me right now, Cas? We’re gonna be bombarded with questions tomorrow and that whole secret dating thing is gonna be raked up again.”

“I’m very well aware of that, but I don’t see what the problem is. We do what we always do. We deny it and move on. We’re good at that.” There was a bitter tone to his voice.

“Oh, Cas, please, don’t do this. Not now, not when we are about to start the promotion tour, come on.”

“When then, Dean? I’m sick and tired of it all you know. Maybe we should break up and be just friends instead. That way we at least can stop lying to the press. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And with that he ended the call. He plopped on the couch and started sobbing uncontrollably. What did he just do? Did he really end things with Dean? After all they had been through? But he was so done with it all.

Dean had made a lot of progress in the last months, but now Cas wondered if it had all been real. Things were back to the way they were before and he was starting to lose his patience. How much longer did they have to hide?

On the other hand, he did get it. If Dean wasn’t ready to come out, he wasn’t ready and it was not fair of Cas to push him. He knew Dean loved him with everything he had and he felt the same way. That’s when it hit him. He would wait for Dean, forever if that’s what it took.

Damn it, he had to make it right. He jumped up, grabbed his keys, and went out the door. He stopped at the top of the porch stairs when, through the curtain of rain that was pouring down, he saw a car coming up his driveway.

“Dean,” he murmured. His heart skipped a few beats. He should have known they both had the same idea about not leaving things like that.

Dean excited the vehicle and looked down at the keys in his hands before staring back at him. Cas darted down the steps into the rain and ran up to Dean. He wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. It was only when Dean started shaking that Cas knew he was sobbing. He felt his heart breaking. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t leave me, Cas.”

“Never!”

Dean released him to look him in the eyes. “I’ll come out. I’ll do that if it makes you stay.”

Cas cupped his face. The rain beating down on them mingled with the tears on his cheeks. “No, Dean. It was not and is not fair of me to ask that from you.” He pulled him in and pressed their lips together in a heated kiss, not even caring that the rain falling from the sky made them both soaking wet.

\-----

Dean stayed that night. The next day, after breakfast, Cas packed his things and went with Dean to his estate. It was arranged a limo would be there to pick up them, and Anna, who they asked to accompany them, even if it was only for moral support.

It was nice from Anna to do this. Now that the news from Jo being with Charlie was out, the questions about them secretly dating would be brought up again, and Anna could act like a buffer.

They had a long talk last night and came to the decision not to come out. Their lives were annoyingly public as it already was. The world knew everything about them. They even knew everything about their siblings and parents, and how their moms died. Their relationship was the only thing that still belonged to them and only to them, and they wanted to keep it that way just a little while longer. It wasn’t about hiding anymore. It was about having something of their own they didn’t want to share with the world.

As the two main leads of the film, their limo arrived an hour after the rest of the cast had already walked the red carpet.

The nerves in Cas’s stomach acted up. After two world premieres he still wasn’t used to it. At least now he would share the spotlight with Dean and not be the sole center of attention.

Cas exited the car first. The excited fans who were there hoping to catch a glimpse of them, screamed louder at the sight of him. It was deafening. He put a smile on his face and waved at the crowd. When, after Anna, Dean appeared, the fans almost went out of their minds. Cas knew why. They didn’t expect them arriving together.

The cameras flashing in their faces were blinding as they walked the red carpet with Anna in the middle. At the entrance, they had to do a short interview.

The female reporter they both knew as Margie from Entertainment Weekly, said something into the camera as the three of them walked over to her. She greeted them with a radiant smile, showing two rows of perfectly white teeth.

“Good evening, gentlemen.” She looked at Anna. “And lady. You attracted quite a crowd.”

“It’s always nice to see we are appreciated,” Dean replied, chuckling.

Margie flashed them another smile and turned her attention to Cas. “Mr. Novak, were you excited when you were told you would do a movie with Dean Winchester?”

Cas swallowed. He shot Dean a quick look and tried to maintain the smile on his lips. “Dean is one of my best friends, so, yes, I was very excited. He’s an amazing actor and…ehm, yes, I was very excited.”

“How about you Mr. Winchester?”

“I think Cas here put it very well. I was equally excited. I jumped at the opportunity when I was asked to co-star.”

Cas had a hard time keeping a straight face. That wasn’t exactly true. He had to convince Dean to do the movie.

The next question made Cas inwardly roll his eyes. “There were a lot of rumors about you two dating.” She turned to Dean. “Especially when you and Jo broke up.” Her attention went back to Cas. “How do you feel about those rumors Mr. Novak?”

This was to be expected. Cas had rehearsed the answer about a million times in his head. Yet, he stammered now that he actually had to reply. “I’m…I’m flattered that everyone seems to think I’m attractive enough to merit Dean’s attention.” A familiar heat rose to his cheeks. He hoped the camera wouldn’t catch it.

Margie didn’t seem to notice. She looked at Dean. “Now, be honest, Mr. Winchester. Are you and your co-star Castiel Novak dating?”

Dean, charming as always, let out a small laugh. “You know, Cas is…he’s my best friend. He’s a great guy. I think, whoever dates him is an incredibly lucky person.”

Cas sighed a silent breath of relief when their time was up and they were whisked inside.

“Jesus, don’t they ever give up?” Anna whispered through her teeth.

Dean chuckled. “I doubt it. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

Anna looked from Dean to Cas and back. “You know, you could save yourselves a lot of trouble and just come out.”

Cas glanced at Dean. He saw the uncertainty glinting in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again when a formally dressed waiter came over and offered them a glass of Champagne. Not long after that, they were led to a section of the theater that was reserved for the main cast and crew and were the best seats in the house.

There was a small introduction and then the movie started.

Cas was never keen on seeing himself on screen. He always thought he looked horrible. Truth was he never watched the movies he was in. He walked the red carpet and showed up at the after party because it was mandatory, but he never viewed the screening of the film.

This time, it was different. Not only was Dean in the film too, but he was curious about how the camera caught them interacting with each other.

To say he was floored by the result was an understatement. There was a lot of sexual tension between their characters. Sometimes it was so high he was afraid something would explode. Now he understood why people always thought they were dating. The chemistry they had was so obvious it was hard not to see it; to _feel_ it.

One quick look at Dean over Anna’s head who sat between them, told him he was thinking the exact same thing.

The movie was a big success. The audience stood up from their seats, turned towards their section of the theater, and applauded.

At the after party, they received a lot of congratulations from the attending guests on a job very well done. Many of them gladly appeared in front of the camera to give their opinion on the film and as far as Cas could hear, they were all singing its praises. He was dying to read the first reviews, but from what he had heard so far, they would mostly be positive.

“Do you guys know now why people think you are together?” Anna casually asked while sipping her Champagne.

“Yeah.” Dean looked at Cas with a sigh. “I didn’t know we were that obvious.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Dean.” Anna nudged his arm. “It’s just there. You can’t turn it off.” She shrugged. “But now you both now where all those rumors are coming from.”

Cas was glad they were shielded from reporters asking them annoying questions. That would soon change. They’d better brace themselves for what was about to come because it wasn’t going to be easy to keep hiding their love the way they did.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next Thursday


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead, or should I say sweet love making :)
> 
> Also, the annoying endless questions about them dating or not

 

Waking up next to Dean,  was always one of the highlights of Cas’s day. That and lazy morning sex.

Yesterday, straight after the party, they had hopped on the private jet waiting for them, complete with their luggage, fueled up and ready to take off to New York.

A suite with two separate bedrooms was arranged for them. Obviously, one of those bedrooms would go completely unused during their stay, not that it was anyone’s business.

Enjoying the comforting feeling of Dean’s arms wrapped around him, and his warm body pressed against his back, Cas thought about what was ahead for them today.

An interview here in the suite had been arranged for ten. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was only seven. Plenty of time left. After that, it was lunch and two more interviews in the afternoon.

After dinner they would have to get ready for a panel with the main producer, director, the writers, and the most important guest stars, where the fans were given the chance to ask them questions. The questions would be screened beforehand. No questions about their personal lives were allowed. This was about the movie, not about them personally, and the fans should respect that. Cas was glad about this arrangement. He also knew it would be different at the casual panels in Europe where it would be just the two of them on stage.

Dean hummed in his sleep. He pushed his leg between Cas’s and tangled them together. His hard morning wood pressed against Cas’s ass cheeks. This used to be a trigger, not a major one that would send him straight into a horrible flash back, but still a trigger. Now it didn’t bother him anymore. It even made him hard himself and all because of the loving and caring man that was Dean Winchester.

His mind drifted away from the movie and to the therapy sessions. Before he left for L.A with Dean, he had talked with Pamela on the phone. She had called in a favor from a colleague in California, who had squeezed him into her busy schedule so he could continue his weekly sessions. He had also joined a support group for rape victims and had been surprised at the number of men in the group. He wasn’t the first male to get raped and he sadly wouldn’t be the last. He had also learned that he was very lucky. Not that anyone minimized his ordeal, but some of them were far worse off than he was because not only were they raped, they were also almost beaten to death. The stories he had heard were downright horrible.

It was almost six months now since the assault and he had already made so much progress that his weekly sessions had turned into once every two weeks. He and Dean weren’t fully intimate though, not yet. They had sex, but it was limited to mutual hand jobs and blow jobs and Dean never pushed him into anything more.

Cas smiled. When Dean was in one of his mushy, cheesy moods, he always told Cas how amazing he was and how he considered himself the luckiest man on earth to have his love. Dean had his moments. They were rare, but he had them, and Cas was the only person he trusted enough to let see them.

He grew harder. His cock tried to escape the confinement of his boxers. He turned to his other side to face Dean. With a finger he traced the seam of his mouth before surging forward to capture his lips in a sweet kiss.

The gentle act woke Dean up. He blinked his eyes open. “Morning, sunshine.” His voice was laced with the last remains of sleep.

“Good morning, Dean.” Cas went in for another kiss, one that was more passionate, more demanding. His mouth went from Dean’s lips to his neck and further down, while he threw off the covers. The sudden cold made him shiver and he smiled against the goosebumps that appeared on the flesh of Dean’s body.

He made quick work of removing Dean’s boxers, freeing his hard cock and wrapped his lips around the head, lapping up the salty fluids that pulsed out the slit.

Appreciative moans echoed through the room. Dean arched his back in pleasure as Cas sucked his dick and let it slide all the way down his throat as far as he could take it.

“Oh fuck, Cas, baby, that’s it,” Dean panted, bucking his hips. “Oh God, oh God, yes, yes…”

Cas knew by the sounds Dean made he was almost there and pulled off making him whine in protest.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.” Cas pressed a small kiss at the top of Dean’s cockhead and hopped from the bed. He went over to where their suitcases were stored and took out the Astroglide from one of the bags.

Dean watched him with hooded eyes and pupils blown wide with lust. “Babe? What’re you doing?”

Cas crawled back on the bed, bent over and kissed Dean long and hard. “I wanna fuck you,” he whispered when he released his mouth. He looked deep into the dark green eyes of his boyfriend. “If…if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course that’s okay with me.” Dean put his hand at the back of Cas’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss. “But are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean, please, don’t pressure yourself on my account because I’m totally fine with the way things are between us. You don’t have to if…”

“Dean,” Cas interrupted them.

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

Cas chuckled. “Yes, I’m sure about this. I want to do this.”

When it came to sex, his therapist always told him that he would feel it when he was ready to be intimate again. She also said that, in most cases like his, it would be easier to be the giving party at first. As always, she was right. Cas wasn’t sure he was ready to be on the receiving end just yet, but he was sure about this.

He took a pillow and pushed it under Dean’s ass before coating his fingers with a large amount of Astroglide. He gently circled Dean’s hole and rubbed his rim. When he felt Dean was ready, his pushed his finger inside.

Three fingers later, Dean was reduced to a squirming mess on the bed, begging to be fucked while Cas teasingly rubbed his prostate.

“Fuck, fuck, Cas…ooohhhh…I’m not…I’m not gonna…laaaaaast.”

Cas removed his fingers. There was no way he was going to let him come without being inside of him. He lubed up his cock, hoisted Dean’s right leg over his shoulder and in one, swift move, slid in.

With a growl he let his head fall back and closed his eyes. It had been so long he had almost forgotten how good it felt to be surrounded by this wet heat.

He pulled back and slowly pushed  in again, drawing a moan from Dean’s mouth. His movements became faster with every thrust. He changed the angle a bit and hit the bundle of sensitive nerves inside of Dean, making him cry out in pleasure.

“Cas, please, touch me, I’m…oh God…”

Cas reached out to take Dean’s cock. It only took him two firm strokes with his thumb smearing out the precome at the head and slicking it up, to make Dean come with a primal scream of his name. Sticky white liquid flooded warm over his hand and dripped down on Dean’s stomach. Dean’s body clenched around his cock and made him tip over the edge as well. He held still with a loud growl filling Dean up with his release and then stuttered a few times to pump out every last drop.

Panting heavily, Cas pulled his softened cock out and fell onto Dean’s chest. His breathing was fast against Dean’s neck as he gasped to get enough air.

Dean wrapped his arms around him. “You’re so amazing, Cas.” He tightened his grip. “So fucking amazing.”

*

The interviews went well as did the panel with the fans. Dean had a hard time not looking at Cas too much when he was answering a question. He was afraid his eyes would speak volumes if he did. He loved Cas so frigging much it was probably written all over his face.

One fan, who introduced herself as Ruby, didn’t give a damn what questions she could ask, or not ask for that matter. She brought up the whole secret dating thing again. Her first question had been about the movie, the questions were screened after all, but then she just went on.

“I really don’t know in what language I have to say it to make you guys understand that Cas and I are not together, not romantically.” Dean tried to be as nice about it as he could under the circumstances. He glanced at Cas. “Sure, we hang out and do things together, but that’s what friends do.”

The crowd of fans cheered and applauded at that.

“But surely you can’t deny there is a certain chemistry between you two.” Ruby raised her voice above the loud noise of the cheering crowd. “I’ve seen the movie. The sexual tension between your characters was off the charts and even off camera every electric device in your vicinity is in danger of exploding when you two are in the same room together. Right now, I’m afraid of being electrocuted.”

Ruby was pushing all boundaries. A lot of fans who were wondering the same thing but were not brave enough to ask, cheered her on for that statement. They held their breaths while anticipating what the actors would say to that.

“That doesn’t mean there’s something going on between us,” Cas said before Dean could. “Two people can have chemistry without it being sexual or romantic. This thing between Dean and me is the main reason the studio wanted us together in the film. They thought it would make for some great dynamics between the characters, and they were right.”

Dean could kiss Cas. He was being honest without giving Ruby a full confession.

There was no use in denying it anymore. Everyone who had eyes and who had seen the film knew by now. It was easier to say nothing was going on when they were both still completely oblivious to the whole thing, but not anymore. They had to go for half-truths from now on.

Dean was glad the PA came in to say their time was up and they could start the autograph sessions.

\-----

They left for Paris the next day at ten. Two bodyguards and two PA’s accompanied them in the private jet that took them across the Atlantic.

As always, Dean wasn’t the happiest person on the planet being stuck on the plane. He had to remind himself he had agreed to the European tour because he had Cas by his side. He probably would have declined if that hadn’t been the case.

They landed at 11 PM local time. A suite in an exclusive hotel in the heart of Paris was reserved for them.

Dean opened the glass sliding doors and stepped onto the big balcony. He had an amazing view of the brightly lit Eiffel tower that watched over the city like a guard. Two arms slipped around his waist and a head rested on his shoulder.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Cas’s voice whispered in his ear.

“Yes, it is.” Dean turned in Cas’s arms, surged forward, and open mounted kissed him. “I wanna go out for a walk,” he said when he released Cas’s lips.

Cas’s eyebrows shot up. “It’s almost midnight.”

“Yeah, so? According to my internal clock it’s around six PM. My body is still on New York time. Besides, there are still a lot of people out. It’s a nice night.”

Cas searched his face. “You really want to go for a walk, don’t you?” He tilted his head.

“Yes. It’s Paris, Cas, come on. Let’s sneak out and take a stroll like two normal people.”

Dean could see Cas thought about it while he bit his bottom lip. “Okay, let’s go,” he finally agreed.

Five minutes later, they snuck out like two giggling kids doing something they really shouldn’t, and walked the streets of Paris, with their fingers tenderly woven together.

The silence hanging between them was comfortable as they enjoyed the city by night. It was Cas who broke it with a question that completely caught Dean off guard.

“Do you ever think about retirement, Dean?”

“Ehm, what?”

“Retirement. Quite acting.”

Dean frowned. Where did this come from all of a sudden? He stopped to look at Cas. “Do you think about it?”

Cas shrugged and looked at their woven hands as if he felt guilty about something. “I do, sometimes.” He sighed deeply. “After two blockbusters and now this one, I have more money than I can possibly spend. Sometimes I dream about living a quiet life, somewhere where no one knows me, away from the spotlights.”

Dread washed over Dean. He gasped. Cas wasn’t talking about leaving, was he? He took a deep, calming breath. If there was one thing he learned, it was not to jump to conclusions and start an argument.

“Does that quiet life include me, Cas?” His voice was tight and laced with a tiny bit of anger; he couldn’t help that seeping through.

Cas squinted at him with deep wrinkles creasing his forehead. Then understanding dawned on his face. “Oh, Dean. Of course it does include you.” He wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

Dean relaxed again. He should have known better. Why was he still so insecure?

Cas dropped the subject after that, but Dean knew they had to talk about it some more sooner or later.

An hour later, they were back in their suite and decided to go to bed since it was after one already. Tomorrow, they had to address the press in the afternoon and two one hour panels with fans were scheduled in the evening, with autograph sessions in between.

\-----

Rome was next on the list and by the time they landed in London after that, Dean was done. Question upon question upon question had been fired at them about them dating and why they didn’t when it was so obvious they would be perfect for each other. The constant denying had left him drained and pretty much on edge.   

Dean couldn’t take any more. It was harder and harder to deny everything while he wanted to shout his love for Cas from every rooftop.

After they checked into the suite at the hotel, he took out his phone to do something he should have done months ago.

Cas frowned at him. “Who are you calling?”

Dean put a finger against his lips while pacing the carpeted floor; his stomach doing somersaults. He took deep breaths to calm himself and hoped he didn’t chicken out at the last minute.

After five agonizing seconds, the call was answered. Dean closed his eyes at the familiar voice on the other side of the line. He inhaled deeply and with a slow exhale he said “Hey, dad.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next week :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we all wait for Brokeback Supernatural, yes, that's tonight guys, here's some fluff.

 

“Hey son. This is an unexpected surprise. Everything okay?” Johns voice was loud and clear. The connection was great.

“Yes. Yes, I’m fine, dad.” Dean rubbed his forehead. Damn it. He should have thought this through or at least think about what exactly he was going to say before he called his father.

“Glad to hear that.” A few seconds of silence. “Aren’t you on your world tour?”

“I’m…yes, we are. We’re in London right now.”

“A bit expensive to call from the other side of the world, don’t you think?”

Dean sighed deeply. “It’s fine, dad.”

“So, to what do I owe this phone call?”

Dean hesitated. Then he just blurted it out. “Cas and I are together.” He held his breath and glanced at Cas. The expression on the guy’s face was so comical it made him chuckle. Cas looked like he was about to pick up his jaw from the floor.

“What do you mean you and Cas are together?”

 “Cas and I are in a relationship.” Dean swallowed.

The silence lasted more than just a few seconds this time. To Dean it felt more like a few hours. When John spoke again, his voice was hard.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?”

Dean flinched. This reaction was to be expected. Even after John asked Dean for another chance, Dean knew that the only way he was ever going to have a somewhat normal relationship with his dad was if he stayed within the lines of his approval.

“I’ve never been more sane in my life and I really don’t give a fuck what you think.”

“Then why did you call me?”

“Because it was about time you knew. I’m done hiding from you. Everyone else knows and now you know too. If you can’t live with that, tough. That’s your loss, not mine. I don’t need you in my life to be happy.” He was slightly out of breath from his tirade, but he didn’t regret a word of it. If anything, he felt a huge relief.

“Son…” A sigh sounded through the phone. “At Thanksgiving I made you a promise to let you live your own life and to respect your choices even if I don’t agree with them. So, this is me keeping that promise. Do I approve of this relationship? No, I don’t and I’m not going to pretend that I do. But, it’s your life and despite everything, you still are and always will be my son, my first born.”

“Right.” Dean huffed out a humorless laugh. “And what a disappointment I turned out to be right, dad? But you know what? I don’t give a damn, not anymore.”

Dean didn’t wait for his father to answer. He ended the call and turned his phone off to prevent John from reaching him. He didn’t want another fight. His father needed time to cool off and process this information first before they could have a civilized conversation about it.

Dean turned to Cas who was looking like he didn’t believe what Dean just did. Dean took two long strides forward and crashed his lips on Cas’s mouth, to kiss the confusion from his face.

“Dean, what have you done?”

“Made a phone call that was long overdue.”

“Don’t you think it would have been better to tell your father in person?”

“No.” Dean shook his head. “I just couldn’t wait anymore. I love you, Cas and fuck him if he can’t understand that.”

\-----

“Mr. Winchester, a few days ago, your ex-girlfriend Jo Harvelle came out as bisexual. How do you feel about that? Did you know when you were dating?” a reporter asked at the press conference in the afternoon.

Dean sighed. _“And here we go again.”_ He was so sick and tired of it all. How the hell he did this constantly for the past two and a half years without batting an eye, was beyond him. He drew in a calming breath before answering.

“You know, you guys keep reporting it like it’s this whole big thing. I knew she was bi, everyone in her life knew. I’m glad she’s happy and that she’s found someone she loves. There’s no hate there. We both knew who we were dating. Charlie is amazing and I hope one day I’ll be lucky enough to have that with someone who also happens to be my best friend.” He snapped his mouth shut, realizing he probably said too much. He hoped they would let it slide, but, of course, they didn’t. This was the press after all.

“Do you mean you hope to date Castiel Novak? You always refer to him as your best friend.”

“I’m ehm…” How the hell was he going to get out of this one? He decided on a joke. “Castiel is my celebrity crush,” he said because it was the only thing he could come up with.

The press laughed.

“And who is your celebrity crush, Mr. Novak?”

“My celebrity crush?” Cas glanced at Dean. “Dean Winchester.”

Again the collective sound of laughter filled the room.

“Well, judging by that picture that surfaced a few months ago, you two do seem to…ahem ‘get along’.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. This was getting worse by the minute. Instead of denying it, he said, with a faint chuckle, “Ehm…yeah…next question, please?”

A PA announced that their time was almost up. The reporters were getting pretty excited.  Dean sensed they all felt an admission or a confirmation was just out of reach.

“Seriously,” one of them addressed Cas. “Some of the pictures of you and Dean together are pretty racy. So, the question burning on everyone’s lips here is are you two dating?”

Dean heard Cas swallowing audibly. “Ehm…, that’s personal, but I will say that Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”

“Okay, people, that’s all.” The PA ended the press conference much to Dean’s relief. He was seconds away from throwing in the towel and admitting everything, especially after Cas’s last comment. He was surprised to realize he didn’t even give a fuck how the press would headline that. Only half a year ago, he would have worried about it, but not anymore.

After a nice dinner served in their suite, they showered and changed clothes. At 7:45 sharp, they were escorted back downstairs to have a panel with their fans.

This is what Dean loved most. Goofing around with Cas on a small stage was a hell of a lot more fun than addressing the press.

He was aware that, sometimes, he crossed an invisible line. Only a few days ago, Charlie had called him to tell him fans recorded their panels and put them on Youtube. Some even went as far as analyzing them frame by frame, pointing out the way they looked at each other as if they were clearly in love. The lingering touches and the hearts in their eyes were proof enough of that.

“I have no problem with it,” Charlie had told him. “I think you two look adorable. But if you don’t want the truth to come out, you better be more careful.”

Right before they went on stage, Dean grabbed Cas’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You ready?”

“As always.”

“Good.” Dean gave him a quick peck on the lips, making both PA’s audibly gasp. He looked at them with a sly smile and a teasing wink before darting on the stage when he and Cas were announced, probably leaving Cas totally confused.

The first half hour, nothing earth shattering happened. The fans were nice, laughing at their jokes and their mutual teasing. They shared the pranks they played on the set or funny anecdotes while filming. Most of the time, the audience was in pieces, wiping away tears of laughter, but they could be serious as well when a serious question was asked. Some questions were actually very deep and required an equally deep answer. It wasn’t always fun and games with them. They weren’t afraid to show some vulnerability to prove they were human just like everybody else.

Near the end, Dean started to push the boundaries of their ‘purely platonic’ relationship again by throwing in some harmless flirting that wasn’t so harmless and casual touches that weren’t so casual. He threw every precaution overboard. He found it a hell of a lot easier than tiptoeing around Cas all the time and watching what he was saying.

After answering another question to everyone’s satisfaction, a fan took her place at the microphone.

“Hey, guys.”

“Hi,” Cas and Dean almost said in unison.

“So, I ehm, have a question for Castiel.”

Cas smiled. “Go ahead.”

“If you weren’t an actor, what would you be? Like, a doctor or something?”

“He would be a beekeeper,” Dean replied before Cas even had to chance to open his mouth.

The girl at the mike chuckled. “How would you know that?”

“Well, when you’ve been with someone for as long as we have…” The rest of Dean’s answer got lost in the deafening cries of a cheering crowd going out of their minds.

It took Dean a few confusing seconds to realize what it was that made the fans lose their shit. When it hit him, he threw a horrified look at Cas.

“So, you ARE together,” someone from the crown yelled.

“Uhm…I…” No matter how hard Dean searched for a way to talk himself out of this one, there wasn’t any. This time, he really screwed up. “Sonofabitch,” he mumbled with the microphone pressed against his forehead.

At practically the same time he heard Cas’s laugh. “Oh my God, Dean.”

In the past Dean would have tried his best to deny it, or put a spin on it. Those days were gone though. He hadn’t meant to say what he said, but he did, and by the way Cas was looking at him, the guy was glad he said it at all. Maybe it was time to fess up and screw the ones who didn’t like it.

“You guys know I play the guitar, right?”

“Don’t try to change the subject, Dean,” a fan yelled.

“I’m not trying to change the subject, be patient.” He looked at the side of the stage. “Can someone bring me a guitar?”

“I didn’t know you picked up playing again, Dean,” Cas said with a surprised frown.

“That’s because it had to be a surprise, Cas.” Dean took the instrument a PA brought him and hung it around his neck.

“A few months ago, I heard this song on the radio.” He put his microphone on the stand and adjusted the height. “I heard it a few times before, but this time, I paid attention to the lyrics and I just knew I had to learn how to play it.”

This wasn’t exactly what he had in mind or how he was going to present it, and yet it all made sense. This was the perfect time.

“I’ve been practicing this for months and I hope Ed will forgive me for borrowing his song.” He took a deep breath and looked at Cas. “Cas, this one’s for you.”

*

A round of applause and cheers went through the room as Dean started to play the first notes of a well-known song, but the room went silent as he began to sing.

 

 **** _When your legs don't work like they used to before_  
And I can't sweep you off of your feet  
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?  
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?  
  
And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70  
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23  
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways  
Maybe just the touch of a hand  
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day  
And I just wanna tell you I am  
  
So, honey, now  
Take me into your loving arms  
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars  
Place your head on my beating heart  
I'm thinking out loud  
Maybe we found love right where we are

****

Cas was taken so completely by surprise, he had a hard time believing this was actually happening. Was this real or was he dreaming? If it was a dream, he never wanted to wake up again.

He always knew there was a softer side to Dean. A romantic side. A side he so desperately tried to hide from the outside world because he was convinced it would hurt his reputation as the manly ‘bad boy’ who liked to chase skirts and appear with the most beautiful women on his arm.

 **** __  
When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades  
And the crowds don't remember my name  
When my hands don't play the strings the same way (mmm...)  
I know you will still love me the same  
  
'Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen  
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory  
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways  
Maybe it's all part of a plan  
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes  
Hoping that you'll understand  
  
That, baby, now  
Take me into your loving arms  
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars  
Place your head on my beating heart  
Thinking out loud  
Maybe we found love right where we are (oh, oh)  
  
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lo-ud

****

There was so much sincerity behind the words and Dean sang them with so much feeling, Cas was rendered speechless.

Dean went from a man who was deadly afraid of his own feelings, who was terrified about how his father and his fans would react, to a man who now professed his love for another man to the world. He must know this would be all over Youtube before the night was over. It was amazing how far he had come. And the best part? Cas never even saw it coming, and neither did the public for that matter. No one did.

 **** __  
So, baby, now  
Take me into your loving arms  
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars  
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart  
I'm thinking out loud  
But maybe we found love right where we are  
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are  
And we found love right where we are

 

Another round of applause and cheers rippled through the audience as the last notes faded away.

Cas stood frozen in place; he doubted he could even produce a sound. He swallowed back the tears that constricted his throat as he quietly watched Dean give the guitar back to a PA and  address the room full of excited fans. “So, now you know.” The cheers became even louder.

Finally, Cas could move again. He slowly walked over to Dean with a smile from ear to ear.

“Did you mean that, Dean?”

Dean nodded vigorously. “Every last word of it, Cas.”

“Kiss him,” someone yelled and Cas did just that. It was close mouthed and chaste and there was no doubt in Cas’s mind that the cries of the crowd, weren’t confined to this room.

The song that announced the end of their panel started to play. They thanked the fans for being there and waved at them as they left the stage.

Back in the seclusion of their two-bedroom suite, Cas attacked Dean’s lips in a heated kiss.

“You do know what you just did, right?”

“I’m well aware of that.” Dean tightened his grip around Cas’s waist. “Marry me, Cas.”

Cas blinked. He thought he didn’t hear that right. This definitely came out of the blue.

“Ehm, what?”

“Marry me?”

Cas knew Dean wasn’t the type of man to drop on one knee or hide a ring in bowl of ice cream, and honestly, he didn’t care. This casual marriage proposal was who Dean was and Cas loved every frigging second of it.

“Yes, Dean, I’ll marry you.”

“Yes?” The smile on Dean’s mouth grew wider and the hint of doubt in his eyes vanished.

“You really doubted that?”

Dean shyly shrugged. “Maybe, a little bit.”

“Well, I just said yes.” Cas chuckled. “Now shut up and make love to me.”

“You only have to ask, babe,” Dean said and captured Cas’s lips.

While trading sloppy kisses, they stumbled into the bedroom, where they fell onto the bed and slowly undressed each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the link to the song, with lyrics. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU-JDYqkZgw&index=155&list=PL0537157787B73952
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. We're reaching the end.
> 
> See ya'll next Thursday.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
> 
> This is the final chapter...BUT there is an epilogue coming next week. It's not quite over yet.
> 
> Enjoy

Dean woke up first with an armful of Cas. He smiled at the recollection of what had happened yesterday. None of it had been planned, and yet here he was, engaged to the most amazing man he could wish for and fully ready to share it with the world.

He turned his head an inch and brushed his lips over Cas’s temple. Damn it, he loved him. Half a year ago, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, afraid something bad would happen if he did. Now, they came out of his mouth like they were the most normal thing to say.

He and Cas had turned off their phones last night after the panel. They had also told the front desk not to forward any calls. They didn’t want to be disturbed. He had just proposed and Cas had said yes. The night belonged to them the rest of the world would just have to wait.

Dean glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Only 7:30 in the morning, still early enough in L.A. to call his brother. He reached out and took his phone from the bedside table.

Cas stirred at the soft noise the phone made as Dean turned it on. Just like he suspected, there were a few missed calls and text messages from his friends and family, asking him what the hell they had just watched and if any of it was real.

Dean smiled at the screen. Time to put them out of their misery. He scrolled through his contacts and called his brother.

Sam picked up after the first ring. “Dean, finally. I tried to reach you right after the panel.”

“I know, Sammy. I saw that.”

“Do you have any idea what you did?”

Dean chuckled. “Yes, I do.”

“No, Dean, I don’t think you do. I’ve been on and off the phone with just about everyone. Crowley was pissed because he couldn’t reach you and didn’t believe me when I told him I couldn’t reach you either. Social Media exploded, again. That’s the third time in less than a year you guys caused that. I think it’s a record. The first ‘special editions’ of some tabloids already came out tonight, and I can only imagine the headlines tomorrow.”

Sam went on and on. Dean let him ramble, waiting patiently until he had to take a breath. He needed to breathe at some point, right? He only hoped his brother didn’t work himself into a cardiac arrest.

“Okay, you done now?” Dean asked when silence fell at the other end of the line.

Beside him, Cas slowly came back to the land of the living. He stretched and suppressed a yawn.

“I’m not even started yet,” Sam’s voice came back through the phone.

“Well, I’m afraid it’ll have to wait. Cas and I have something to tell you.” Dean put his phone down and looked at Cas. “Are you ready for this?”

Blue eyes still hooded with sleep stared back. “I am.” A smile played on Cas’s full lips.

“I’m gonna put you on speaker, Sammy.” Dean pressed the button and sat himself a bit straighter, leaning against the headboard with Cas’s head on his shoulder.

“I proposed to Cas last night.”

“And I said yes.”

A few beats of tense silence lingered.

“Wait…you…what?” Sam obviously was at a loss for words.

“Basically, Cas and I are engaged,” Dean said drily.

“That’s…wow, Dean.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Once Sam was over the initial surprise, he sincerely congratulated them, telling them how happy he was with this awesome news. He couldn’t wait to tell Jess. Dean heard the excitement in his brother’s voice.

There were a few things that needed to be done, though. They had talked about it after they’d made love as a ratification of their engagement last night.

“So, we’re scheduled to leave at 11 tonight. We will land in L.A. a little after noon. It stands to reason we don’t want to be bothered the first few days.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Let the paparazzi speculate all they want. Don’t deny or confirm anything. Call Crowley and arrange a press conference for somewhere next week. We want to announce our engagement to the world as soon as possible so we can get married already.”

“You guys set a date yet?”

“No. But Cas wants a beach wedding at sunset, and who am I to deny him that?”

“Don’t act like you don’t like the idea, Dean. I know for a fact you do,” Sam said with a chuckle.

Dean huffed out a shy laugh. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” A few years ago he would have rather bit his tongue than to admit it. Cas had managed to find and to dig up the true romantic in him. He still thanked God every day for that.

\-----

Dean and Cas threw an engagement party in Dean’s back yard by the pool. It was all very casual with barbeque and beer. Some of the details of the wedding were discussed.

They wanted to hire a wedding planner, but Jo had asked if she and Charlie could do it.

After talking about it with Cas, Dean had agreed. He trusted Jo. There was no doubt in his mind she would make it a day to remember.

If Dean thought he could let the girls handle it all, he was wrong. Jo constantly badgered him with things like flowers and stuff. What did he know about flowers? A hell of a lot more after Jo was done with him.

They were all sitting at the patio table, enjoying another warm summer night in L.A. while they tasted the cake samples Jo had brought.

“I don’t understand. Why can’t we have pie?”

“I’ll make sure there’s pie for dessert too, Dean. This is just for the wedding cake, okay?” Jo said, as if she was talking to a whining child who was trying her patience.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I want apple, pecan and cherry.” He flashed Jo a smile. “See? Those are things I _can_ talk about.”

Charlie scribbled something in the notebook she always seemed to carry around lately. “Duly noted.”

“I like the chocolate one,” Cas said.

Jess nodded in agreement. “I like that one the best too.”

“You always like things with chocolate the best,” Sam replied drily. He shot her an amused look.

“She’s right though,” Charlie chimed in. “It’s the best of the samples I tasted.”

“Can we agree on the chocolate one then?” Jo looked at Dean who just shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m not a big fan of cake. If Cas likes it, I’m good.” He smiled at his soon-to-be husband. Cas’s incredibly blue eyes reflected the love that tingled deep inside his own soul. How could Dean not love him.

“The chocolate one it is then.” Charlie scratched another item off the list in her notebook.

“Next,” Jo’s eyes darted between Cas and Dean, “your suits.”

Almost dramatically, Dean let his head fall onto his folded arms on the patio table. “Why can’t we just get married,” he complained with a groan.

As if he just thought of something, his head jerked up again. He turned to Cas. “Babe? You wanna elope?”

“Sure, Dean. I’ll marry you anywhere.”

Jo audibly gasped in astonishment. “Dean Winchester, don’t you dare pull a stunt like that.”

“I’m kidding.” Dean chuckled. He covered Cas’s hand with his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I promised Cas the wedding of his dreams, and I’m keeping that promise.”

He meant it, but he couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to just take his fiancé to Vegas and get married already without all of the hassle that went with it.

*

How Dean survived the weeks before the wedding was still a miracle to Cas. The guy had been nervous and excited, constantly bouncing around like a kid on a sugar high, hoping nothing would go wrong and almost driving Cas bat shit crazy.

They had been the center of attention after the press conference where they had officially announced their engagement a few weeks ago. When the reporters asked when the wedding would take place, they had answered they hadn’t set a date yet. It was a lie they both agreed to tell.

The mainstream press had bought it. The tabloids however didn’t fall for it. The paparazzi went out of their way to find out the real date. They thought they were successful when it was leaked Dean and Cas would get married in Hawaii, which of course wasn’t true.

The truth was, the wedding would happen in The Hamptons where the couple had rented a beach house for themselves, the bridesmaids, and the best men.

Besides their family, only a handful of guests and their significant others were invited. They wanted to keep it small and not draw much attention.

Entertainment Weekly got the exclusive. They gave Margie the honor of reporting the event, as long as the article wouldn’t appear in the magazine until two days after the wedding.

Gabriel adjusted Cas’s bowtie and helped him in his jacket.

“You look very handsome, little bro,” he said, brushing his hands over Cas’s shoulders to straighten the fabric.

“Thank you.” Cas inhaled deeply as he buttoned the jacket. With a critical eye, he looked at his reflection in the mirror.

“Are you nervous?”

Cas nodded. “I am.”

“Well, don’t be.” Gabe patted him on the back. “It’ll be fine. Just like we rehearsed yesterday.”

“I know.” Cas took another deep breath in an effort to calm the nerves tying his stomach together in probably the most complicated knots in history.

In a little over an hour, he would be Dean’s husband. Who would have thought this would happen a year ago? With all the lies and the hiding their love from the world, they had mastered the art of keeping a secret so well Cas had thought he would never be allowed to express his feelings for Dean in public. Yet here he was, about to get married to the man who had stolen his heart the moment they had met. Cas was still counting his blessings over it.

*

In another room of the rented beach house, Sam was doing the exact same thing as Gabe: helping the groom and putting him at ease.

Dean hopped from one foot to the other, nervous as hell and about to break into a cold sweat.

“Dean. Relax,” Sam tried to calm his brother.

“I can’t. What if Cas chickens out? What if he doesn’t show up?”

“He will show up. Gabe will make sure of that.”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Who? Gabe?”

“Yes.”

Sam chuckled. He helped Dean put on his jacket. “You can trust him with that.”

“Really?” Dean frowned. “How do you know?”

Sam rolled his eyes with a sigh. “I just know, okay? Now stand still.” He adjusted Dean’s collar.

“Sammy?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“What am I doing?”

“You’re about to marry the man you love.”

“Yeah.” A smile formed on Dean’s mouth. “Yeah. I guess I do. I’m still trying to process that.”

A knock on the door interrupted them. Charlie, already dressed in her bridesmaid’s gown, peeked her head inside.

“Dean, there’s someone here to see you.”

Dean looked at her through the man-sized mirror. “Who is it?”

Charlies face turned worrisome. “It’s ehm, your dad.” She pleaded him not to shoot the messenger with her eyes.

Dean swallowed so hard he could feel his Adam’s apple bob up and down. He exchanged a surprised look with Sam, whose eyes had grown wide. “I still can’t believe you invited him to your wedding.”

“He’s our dad, Sammy. It was the only decent thing to do.” Dean shook his head. “I didn’t actually expect him to show up.”

“What do you want me to do, Dean?” Charlie was still waiting for instructions.

Dean shrugged. “Send him in, I guess.”

“Charlie. Wait,” Sam stopped her. He turned to Dean. “Let me go talk to him first. See what he wants.”

“No!” Dean inhaled deeply. “No, Sammy. This is something I have to do.”

“Dean, just…”

“Sam, it’s fine. I’ll be fine.” Dean put his hand on Sam’s shoulder. “I can handle him.” He turned to Charlie. “Send him in.”

As Charlie softly closed the door and darted off to get John, Dean asked his brother to leave him alone with his dad.

“Are you sure about that, Dean?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Will you stop worrying about me?”

“I just don’t want him to ruin your wedding.”

“He won’t, because you know what? I won’t let him. Now go.”

Sam hesitated a few seconds but finally reluctantly left the room.

Dean took a deep, calming breath. It wasn’t easy to control the nerves turning his stomach upside down. He brought it upon himself though. This time, no one was to blame for his father being here but him.

He had a long talk with Cas about this. They made the decision to invite John together. Now Dean asked himself if it was the right thing to do, especially since John never called to congratulate him on his engagement.

“Damn it,” he softly admonished himself. What the hell had he been thinking? The last thing he needed was his dad to ruin what would be one of the most important days of his life.

A short knock on the door almost made him jump. He closed his eyes as he heard footsteps entering the room. When they came to a stop, he turned around to face his dad.

“Hi son.” John nodded. “You’re looking good.”

“Thanks, dad.” Dean forced a smile on his lips. “You’re looking pretty dandy yourself.”

The tension rose as the silence between them lingered on. Dean decided to cut right to the chase.

“Listen, dad, if you’re here to stop the wedding…”

“I’m not,” John cut him off.

“Then why, dad?”

“You invited me.”

“Yes, I did. But you never called me back after I called you from London and you never even congratulated me on my engagement. Yet, here you are. What am I supposed to think about that?”

John put his hands in the pockets of his grey suit. “Bobby knocked some sense into me. I might not agree with this, but if this is what makes you happy, then I’ll respect that.”

“Cas does make me happy, dad.”

“Yes, I can see that.” John cleared his throat. “Now come over here and give your old man a hug.”

Dean was surprised by that. He had expected a lot, but not this. Hesitantly, he walked over to John and wrapped his arms around him.

As his father’s grip around him tightened in a reassuring hug, all the tension seeped from Dean’s muscles. Tears burned behind his eyes. For the first time since forever, he and his dad had finally found their way back to each other.

\-----

The bridesmaids, dressed in burgundy gowns laced with gold to match Cas and Dean’s suits, walked down the aisle to softly playing music.

A big wooden platform had been placed on the sand to even things out and to prevent sand getting into anyone’s shoes.

All the guests rose from their seats when the wedding march started to play.

Jo led Dean to the front, followed by Cas on Anna’s arm.

Words to describe how Cas looked left Dean as he turned to him. They hadn’t seen each other since yesterday, Jo made sure of that. Their best men went out of their ways to prevent them d accidentally bumping into each other today. According to them, it was unlucky to see each other before they walked down the aisle.

Dean had just rolled his eyes at that, but went along with it. What was one night without Cas in his bed when he had him for the rest of his life?

Cas’s gravelly voice trembled as he repeated his vows. Tears shone in his eyes, and made Dean ‘no chick flick moments’ Winchester, tear up himself. It was surreal. This whole day was surreal.

And as the sun slowly descended, ready to drown in the sea and setting the sky on fire in the most amazing shades of orange, they were pronounced husband and husband, fortifying their bond with a sweet kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to be able to post the epilogue next week. If not, don't worry, it'll come.


	26. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the epilogue. Sorry it took so long.

 

He was in the South of France, that much he knew. It was kind of a miracle he was there considering Dean was at his side, and Dean and planes didn’t exactly match.

For the first time since Cas knew him, Dean had boarded the private jet as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. For one short moment Cas had wondered if his newly wed husband was on drugs or something.

The sweet scent of lavender hung heavy in the hot summer air as Cas looked at the beautiful mansion in front of him. It rose  majestically high up to the deep blue sky.

“So, Cas. What do you think?”

Cas took off his sunglasses. He squinted against the brightness of the sun. “It’s…beautiful.” He looked at his husband. “I can’t believe you brought me all the way to Europe for our honeymoon. I mean, I know how much you hate flying.”

“Honeymoon?” Dean echoed. A thin line appeared between his brows. Then he shrugged. “Well, that’s one way to look at it I guess.”

Cas was lost. He didn’t know what to think anymore. First Dean surprised him by dragging him to the airport, telling him they were flying to Europe for what Cas assumed was their honeymoon, and now he was looking at what could best be described as a small ‘chateaux’ with Dean saying it wasn’t their honeymoon. It all seemed like a weird dream. Beautiful and amazing, yes, but…weird.

“Okay.” He took Dean’s hand in his and tangled their fingers together. “Let’s check in.”

“Ho, wait.” Dean tugged at his hand to stop him. “This is not a hotel, Cas.”

With a frown Cas turned to him. “It’s not?” He looked back at the mansion. “Then what…”

“I bought the place,” Dean explained like it was the most normal thing in the world to purchase something that resembled a small castle.

To say Cas was blown away would be the understatement of the century. “You did what?” He couldn’t believe it. Now he was sure he was caught in some bizarre dream.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and pulled him close. “It’s ours, Cas. It’s yours and mine.”

It was still a bit too much for Cas to process. The countless questions swimming in his eyes must have been obvious, because Dean said: “You remember what you told me in Paris? About retirement and living a quiet life away from the spotlights?”

Cas slowly nodded. Yes, he remembered that. And suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. A hesitant smile formed on his lips. “Oh, Dean.”

“Does that mean you like it?”

“Yes. Very much. I love it.” He tilted his head. “But what about the estate in L.A. Are you going to sell it?”

“No. Not yet anyway. I’m kinda attached to that place, you know?” Dean huffed out a shy laugh. “It’s where we first kissed.” He noticeably swallowed. “It’s where we first made love,” he continued around a whisper. “I’m not ready yet to get rid of a place that has stored so many fond memories.”

Cas hummed in agreement. Dean’s estate was a very important part of their mutual past he wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to either.

“Besides,” Dean went on as he released Cas from his hold to look back at the mansion. “We need a place to stay for when we’re back in L.A. The shooting of the sequel starts right after Thanksgiving and the studio wants to have it in theatres in time for Christmas next year.”

“Yes, I know.” Cas sighed deeply. “Now that I have seen this place, I kind of regret agreeing to do the sequel.”

Dean playfully nudged his arm. “Don’t be. We can have the cabin again. It’s gonna be great to spend this Christmas there with our friends and family. And, when everything is over, like the promotion tour and all, we can fill this place with laughter and joy and the sound of little feet running around.” The last words were spoken so softly they were barely audible.

Cas inhaled a startled breath. Did Dean mean this? Did he really just say what Cas thought he said?

“We don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to,” Dean continued in a hasty manner. “It’s just…well, Jo and Charlie and I were talking randomly the other day when you were fitting your tux for the wedding, and the subject came up out of the blue and then Jo offered to carry our kids, you know, like a surrogate? I was pretty blown away by that and then told her I would talk it over with you first, because, well, it’s not only my decision to make, right? Anyway, ehm, but, really, if you don’t want to you…”

Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s to shut him up.

“You talk too much,” he explained his actions with his mouth still close to Dean’s.

“Ehm…”

“And I would love to raise some children with you, Dean.”

Dean’s whole face brightened. Cas swore he could see tears burning in the green eyes of his husband. Again Cas took a minute to consider how lucky he was to be married to this gorgeous man who worshipped the very ground he walked on. And now Dean made everything even better with saying he wanted them to raise a family. What more could he possibly want.

“So. How about we check this place out now?”

A grin from ear to ear split Dean’s face in half. “Sounds like a good idea.

With their hands tangled together, they climbed the steps to the double front door.

“You know, Cas, maybe I should carry you over the threshold.”

Cas shot him a horrified look, but then noticed the teasing glint in Dean’s eyes. They were shining with mischief. God he loved that man.

Their joint laughter over deciding to check out the bedrooms first disappeared with them inside the mansion, where a whole new chapter of their lives began, waiting to be written and with the promise of a bright future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. My first long Destiel fic in another language but my own and boy what a ride it has been.
> 
> I would like to thank JhanaMay for the amazing editing. She's a great writer. Check out her work. It truly is wonderful. Thanks hon, I couldn't have done this without you.
> 
> Also a very big 'thank you' goes to tfw_cas for kicking my insecure ass from time to time (and trust me, she had to do a lot of kicking). There were times I just wanted to delete the whole thing and be done with it. She picked me up when I was down, telling me to 'keep on writing damn it'. Where would I be without her. Credit for editing the epilogue goes to her. She's also an amazing writer. Go check out her work too.
> 
> I also like to thank Ahaviel, another amazing writer, for helping me with how rape victims deal with their awful experience. She was a great help!!! Go read her work.
> 
> And last but not least, thank you to you, my readers who were with me through this journey and stood by me the whole way. Your comments and your compliments meant the world to me, you have no idea.
> 
> I'm in the middle of writing a new long Destiel fic. I will start posting it soon. Take care guys xxx


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